Corona Monologue - Reality Bites

*** TRIGGER WARNING - DISCUSSION ON SUICIDE & SUICIDAL THOUGHTS ***

We are living in an age of deception. 2020 seems to mark the beginning of an age of apocalyptic deceit. Although post-quarantine our privileges are slowly coming back, despite the freer atmosphere, there’s a net. This ‘thing’ is highly psychological: I mean, for god’s sake, I can’t even hug my mum. It’s so hard. Humans are sociable creatures; this whole thing goes against our nature. Unless you’re sitting in a pub or bar and social distancing … the concept has been thrown out the window. If I’m being blunt and honest, I sense an air of hypocrisy. Throughout this whole event, the reaction, the action and the imposition are nothing more than a fruitless composition. 

Okay, hold on. I’m going out my mind right?  Even if I’m in so much pain that the physical hold of a hug does more to comfort me than tears themselves - which are the human body’s natural excretion of pain and way of dealing with pain. So now I’m quietly screaming….is the world now against me? No matter how much I turn my back on the world ... I think the biggest realisation in all of this is … how much I need humans. How much I need you just to talk to me, to listen to me, to feel my pain, share my joy, see your face, hear your voice. I just want you to be around me and vice versa without fearing one of us could kill the other. It’s just painful. But because this is happening and people are not acknowledging it’s difficult.

I feel like I’m an outcast. I’m screaming. I have also realised how lonely we are, and how people can suddenly transport our lives from being meaningless to meaningful. I mean, of course this is insanity because the way we perceive the world is constantly in flux. But I just want to know when our natural order will be restored- surely this whole thing isn’t natural. This makes all my conspiracies all too real: this virus was never natural in the first place. I mean even a cat has caught it? You say what?...! It is impossible to elicit a natural response to an unnatural event. I realised how our closed-up minds make us like sheep. Despite being affected by something this terrifying we standby and allow our brains to be hacked by fears of life killing microbes - microbes we cannot even see when magnified 100 times. This is the form of psychological war seems more threatening than chemical war. The government make our decisions: they tell us what’s dangerous in our lives….coronaaaaa! Can I just scream this in the deepest operatic voice. "Coronaaaaa whaaat have you donne to uuuuuuuus"

Ooooh. Another one we ain’t talking about. How it’s deeply affecting people … on a mental level…suicide on a rise...ring ring...hopelessness like loose string. Is life worth living in a functioning apocalypse...aftermath of a 7.5 on the richter scale earth quake...no now just fuck that...I’m clearly losing the plot here. People are reacting deeply...this thing is a trauma yes...that’s been showered on us like acid rain. Except the acid is higher on the pH level of about 2. That’s mad acidic! People want to breathe. Yes. I myself am searching for clean air...can’t you bleatin-hear that I’m screaming at the top of my lungs...cough cough...I’ve had enough…! Even my throat dried? Yes I confess...life ain’t worth living if I can’t even spend time with my family, can’t hug them or sit with them, can’t even pick up my baby nephew (who I helped look after) in realness.

Life isn’t as worth living without those people who bring a smile to my face. Life is tasteless. It’s a dull ongoing pendulum of nothingness. Where is the meaning in our lives? Yes, I’m losing my mind. That's Corona consequences for you. There are forces coming from all directions, so I just freeze like an ice cube and don’t know when I’m going to be released into flowing water. Even if it was the most polluted water. Well, this is no man’s land. The Corona ship of doom. I’m suffocated with many words... I’m gasping for air. And so, I keep mumbling through the struggle. I’m starting to go back-in-time, because I realise I’m stuck in time right now, so I can't help but visit the past. As for the future, it doesn’t really exist – it seems like a creation from a highly imaginative brain. That’s what this corona confusion time has brought on us. I feel like I’m saying how it really is. The glitch word is...pain. Pain. Pain. It’s not just in my brain. 

Let’s examine this further...

I mean I can’t even sit on the grass without imagining this malignant monster growing and mutating and crawling up my skin into my body. I can’t just sit on grass and be worry free. It seems like a distant dream to be able to do so. Yes. I’m burdened with the heavy weight of corona. And I’m sure you are too. And yes..it’s just because the government wants to get rid of old people and depopulate the world...which is perfect for the elite capitalists ha. Tell me your instincts don’t reason with this. These crooks or psychopaths are ready to use all kinds of imaginative torture on the human race. How about if this corona disaster was all a plan? Huh? And if ‘things’ went to plan and ‘things’ progress then there will be a new world order. Look. I just want to sit with my child self, get muddy like a pig and grass on all my clothes, get ice cream on my nose, and hands and feet all bare, and wearing dishevelled clothes. And I say yup this is life. And a big pot of vanilla ice cream! Ahhhh. The contentment. 

Are you still listening? It’s okay if you’re not but do you get what I mean... does this ring any bells for you? Do you share my pain? I mean it’s okay if you don't cos they'll just label me insane. We aren’t being listened to or even treated as human, so shall we all be cooking pots and just boil and boil? Because that's not from the realm called being human! We are preparing for the true apocalypse. Tell me you haven’t seen any films which predicted this - but we never listened. Perhaps this corona chaos is traumatising and desensitizing us for what’s about to come. 

I go to sleep. I can’t. I turn left, right, upright. Upon waiting for my eyes to close...my conscious mind speaks to me...and it goes...

Sana...I realised during lockdown just how lonely I really am.

(Me) what?

(My brain) I never felt so...lonely. Lockdown has imposed on us forced isolation,  forced us to sail into the desolate abyss with sad violins going off like sirens.

(Sana to brain) True true...before the pandemic I was always running away to my personal space as most introverts do - now I’m trying to get in touch with people on my phone. I ring, I message. No answer. Just me myself and I.

(Brain to Sana) Well, no, that’s not entirely true. I am here? Aren’t I?

(Sana to brain) I never knew how desolate it would feel to be by myself. But our privileges have gone.

(Brain to Sana) Well yeah…. you mean the lack of physical touch and not seeing as many people, including family or friends. People are restricted and an inner fear has taken the world by swarm. Human life is being targeted as a consequence. I feel like a lot of people feel ashamed to express the isolation and loneliness they feel as a result of this so-called Covid-19. I mean, look at what this microscopic thing has done to us. It has separated us: screams of separation are all I hear. 

(Sana to brain) Yup. Yup. I couldn’t agree more. Okay, let me see if I can shut my eyes now. 

(Brain to Sana) Hopefully.


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Written by Sana El-Wakili

Sana is a British born multidisciplinary London based artist. She's a poet, movement artist and actor. Her influences come from spoken word and contemporary circus, music, visual art and lived experience. Her style has truth and theatre at the heart. Sana has created work for film, theatre and radio. A true cross artist and maker of raw, bold, innovative, experimental and poignant art. She is a playing up graduate from NYT and Roundhouse poetry collective alumni.