Mary-Anne Hodd
Schizophrenia
The fireplace turns when you sleep
Cameras in the house, deep
in the cracks they creep
on your every move
Watching you, eat, breathe and snooze,
They’re reporting our life ,
Spying on us Mary
Cant you see, that they’re out to get me
It stops me in my tracks
Im barely 6 years old and I’m fairly sure they’re after us
And so you learn
Be alert, don’t turn your back,
sit here and watch your trust in others turn to dust.
Dad must have a pretty big secret
But I shouldn’t tell anyone about this
I should help him keep it
Look at me Mary,
Can’t you see
There’s a camera behind my eye
They planted it there to see what I do
To watch my every move
They want to pick apart my brain
I know too much
Been through too much pain
They’re here Mary,
Hide
Get behind the sofa
Turn out the lights
Lets lay here, still, quiet girl
you know you’re my world
wait for the search to die
to subside
and to try another day.
It’s not all cameras and conspiracies
We lived for the good days
Like any family I guess
But one things for sure,
there’s more love and connection in that relationship
Than I had ever known before.
Dad put us first
In whatever way he knew
Seriously, just try to imagine raising two children
With the spy’s, the csi’s and all of that.
I’d say he’s a hero, a champion for doing so well,
But words can’t compare to living the life he’d describe living as hell.
For the first 9 years of my life, I grew up with my Dad who has paranoid schizophrenia. We lived his version of reality for many years.
Personal experience has taught me that, in general, most people have a reasonable understanding of schizophrenia, but with this poem I aim to provide the reader with a new context on how schizophrenia can present itself, enabling a moment to see life from someone else’s perspective. The poem intends to evoke a deeper understanding of people living with schizophrenia and what it may mean to their everyday reality. I can’t speak directly from my Dad’s perspective but can speak from mine as his daughter and the child who lived through his delusions with him each day.
Written by Mary-Anne Hodd
Mary-anne, a proud Foster Care Leaver, Psychology and PGCE graduate. With a passion for all things mental health, I'm working on taking my opinion and experience to the page, with the hope of providing a new understanding of 'kids in care'. From Devon, then Bristol, currently in Canada, I am taking some years out to travel, snowboard and write