Spaceship Sofa by Scar Kennedy
The spaceship began its descent into Almir’s back garden around 4pm. When Almir heard the bang of the ship hitting the newly mown grass he quickly turned down the telly, forcing Ben Shephard into an unexpected bout of silence. The complaint phone line in the ITV HQ was overrun for the next 10 minutes.
Opening the sliding doors that led out on to the patio, Almir, to his disbelief, saw a spaceship, covered in a ditsy floral print, that looked remarkably like a sofa. At this moment Almir did not know that it was a spaceship and quite understandably, though naively, assumed a sofa had simply fallen from the sky. Whereas, quite the opposite, it had the coordinates of his garden locked into its auto pilot system since take off, approximately 3 days ago. The left sofa cushion began to rise, much like a toilet seat. Smoke arose from underneath, catching the coloured blinking lights coming from within. Almir checked the time on his phone to check he was awake. It was 4.25pm, as he expected.
From under the sofa cushion climbed 3 blue blobs of fluorescent jelly, each about a foot tall with a single, large, never-blinking eye. They slimed across Almir’s very neat grass, (had I mentioned it was very recently mown?) to his feet. They each looked up with their single, large, unblinking eye and without moving any sort of mouth announced: “Hello, we have come in the search of comfort, relaxation, a place to sit, to be with family! OH, MIGHTY DFS! LET US RECLINE!”
“DFS?” puzzled Almir, “You mean like, the sofas?”
The 3 blue bobs replied a long drawn out “yes”, lifted their arms in unison and rejoiced.“So-far! So-far! So-far! We have journeyed so far to be here, to find our happy colour!”
Almir’s brain swirled and span, as dizziness hit him. He looked up at the sky, inhaled deeply and spotted the TV antennae that he had allowed his highly unqualified mother to install on the roof. He furrowed his brow and studied the antennae closer. It was bent in a multitude of places. Colourful tape had been used to hold objects together. Was that a potato masher? And why was there a hamster wheel attached?
Head in hands, Almir sighed and rubbed his eyes.
“We hope we have arrived in time to witness the almighty Ben Shephard granting us the tipping point of enlightenment.”
Written by Scar Kennedy
Scar Kennedy is a fashion design student who originally studied in Bristol, but has now moved to Salford, Manchester. They miss the chaotic energy of Bristol and common place of bare nipples on nights out dearly. Although Scar is not a graduate like many of the other writers, they are a “mature-student” or whatever, and so relate to the disconnect from the fresher lifestyle.