An Album That Shaped My Life: ‘Fallen’ by Evanescence
Nostalgia is a part of life. And so is music, especially if you are an arts and music lover like myself. Have you ever thought back to a time when one specific album changed your life in ways you never would have expected? One single melody can trigger a life changing moment in time, lyrics can resonate so intensely that you see your future flashing in front of your eyes, or maybe the singer became your next obsession and you have never looked back since.
As the lead singer of Simply Red once said in an interview with the FT.com ‘There’s something very mystical about creating a melody’. Mystical melodies – I couldn’t agree more!
And here comes the nostalgia.
I was in my second year at City University studying Economics and living at home. I soon realised that was a ‘mortal’ mistake when my big brother sat me down and said ‘going away to university means leaving home to also live your life independently as well as study, if I had to do it again I would have gone to another UK city to study, if not abroad’. Ten years my senior, he had chosen to study while living at home and wholeheartedly regretted it. I won’t bore anyone with the details, but although his sentiment was correct, as a disabled young woman on dialysis every night this meant it was not an option for me to do the ‘away from home’ thing. My brother nodded.
So the next best option was to get rid of my mum!
At the time it was just me and her, a matriarchal household with two strong minded Virgo women battling it out against the world. But it was time for me to fly the nest. Or in this case send my mum packing to Cyprus for 3 years to live with dad while I lived a ‘normal’ student life.
And so, the mice came out to party while the cat was away.
I was a good student, my attendance at lectures one hundred percent – give or take, considering I was a dialysis patient and had hospital appointments to silently attend while nobody was paying attention. I studied every night, always finished my homework, yet I still partied hard with my friends - three times a week.
I always felt like there was something more for me to explore during my student life. Beyond what my traditional mum would see ‘fit for a young lady’. I had always been the black sheep of the family or the dark (elegant) horse - shall we put it that way? – so it wasn’t long before I started exploring my need to experience more in life.
I started going out to Camden Town to the Purple Turtle and Feet First in the Camden Palace (now known as KOKO) with old friends from college, trying to meet new people, feel comfortable out in society and learn how to speak to boys. The scene was all about nu-metal and rock music. A place where I could lose my inhibitions, a place where I found acceptance because I was ‘different’ with my disability, a place I could explore my youth.
In my second year of university I went to Cyprus for a summer holiday. I wore a pair of jeans falling off my hip, with a chain hanging from the loops and the leg hems looking like they had been chewed up by a lioness. And a black fishnet top. Needless to say my mum was beside herself seeing her dear daughter go from heels to hemless jeans. I remember my closest cousin, who also studied at City University years before, looked at me and said ‘Maria you look awesome – you do you and don’t mind anyone else!’. She was ever the open-minded, forward-thinker.
And then the penny dropped.
One evening, during that two week summer holiday away to Cyprus, I remember sitting in my aunt’s living room. We’re a very religious family, so it was no surprise when all of a sudden one of my cousins stood up and said ‘What’s this on television? Turn the channel, this music is the devil’s doing!’.
I looked over to the television and it was MTV’s countdown of the top UK singles. Evanescence was number one, back in 2003. My eyes were glued to the television while I heard Amy Lee sing at the top of her beautiful lungs ‘Bring Me To Life’. It was like everything I was searching for fell from the sky and the pieces fell together.
Bring me to life indeed.
I read that the lyrics to this song were written because Amy Lee had previously been in ‘an emotionally and physically damaging’ relationship. When a friend asked her in a restaurant whether she was happy in her current relationship she suddenly woke up to the reality that she really wasn’t.
‘Wake me up inside!
Wake me up inside!
Save me!
Save me from the nothing I’ve become!
Bring me to life!’
She continued to blurt out the words that reverberated through my bones and into my soul. The song completely captivated me. This mystical melody.
And when that penny dropped it revealed two sides of a coin.
I didn’t experience an emotionally and physically damaging relationship like Amy Lee did, but I did wake up and I was finally brought to life. I experienced a very sheltered life and I was unable to explore who I was and what I liked, what interests I had or to reflect on the different facets of my personality.
Since that day I have realised that my life has been steeped in contradiction.
I grew up to become a traditional Greek woman just like my mum. I learnt to love fashion, and flowers, and everything fabulous and frivolous in life. But, I also realised I loved the gothic, the glamorous, the grotesque and the grandiose. Everything from vampire art like Anne Stokes and vampire authors like Anne Rice (may she rest in peace) whom both had been a part of my growing up. I loved it all in abundance; from dark fantasies of Thierry Mugler and Alexander McQueen to the majestic beauty of Valentino and Dior. And I liked Metallica and Slipknot, Korn and Nine Inch Nails. But, until then I had never seen anything as enthralling as a female fronted symphonic rock band, like Evanescence.
I still own the album ‘Fallen’ by Evanescence and to this day it sits in my cupboard as a fond memory of my youth. I remember when I first bought the album, I enjoyed flipping through the glossy CD cover pages and as the songs played on my CD player I belted out the lyrics like my life depended on it.
Of course, my favourite song from the album is ‘Bring Me To Life’ - because it did just that for me at the time when I needed it the most. It awakened something inside of me. A life of exploring my inner being and living as one both with my dark side and my light side in harmony. I could finally let go of the guilt of romanticising the gothic and the dark.
Next, I would choose ‘Going Under’ as I would consider this song a prerequisite to ‘Bring Me to Life’. Just like Amy Lee, who experienced an emotionally debilitating relationship, I was going under, drowning in a version of myself which was only half of me. I was living in partial realisation of who I really was due to the expectations of my traditional parents and the sheltered life I lived at home with a disability and only ever concentrating on my health and nothing more. Whereas ‘Bring Me to Life’ was my final awakening.
I think it would be a mistake for me not to mention ‘My Immortal’ as one of my favourite songs too. Though a slow tempo, piano ballad, it still has the rock essence to it. If a picture speaks a thousand words, one image that pops to mind when listening to this song is that of The Black Swan, a beautiful yet tragic story based on Tchaikovsky’s Swan Lake. Though I suffer from none of the mental illness or hallucinatory tendencies experienced by Nina the lead character in the film, the two sides of her personality resonate with me. She is beautiful both as Odette the White Swan and Odile the Black Swan. It’s like the ying and yang of my life.
And here comes the message in the fortune cookie.
It seems like two decades on and society still worships false idols, if the Kardashians and Love Island are anything to go by. Young women are still influenced by unrealistic idols, and with the rise of social media and influencer profiles it’s hard for any young person to keep up with the virtual world, spiralling into unhealthy habits like being glued to their phones 24/7 and counting the likes on their photos. Obsession has become rife. Hence, I am inclined to agree with Amy Lee’s intentions when she wrote the song ‘Everybody’s Fool’ while trying to teach her little sister a lesson. During an interview with VH1, Lee said: "My little sister was really getting into these, I don't want to offend anyone, but like really fake, cheesy, slutty female cracker-box idols, and it really pissed me off. She started dressing like them and she was like eight years old. So I gave her the talk and I wrote a song". My message to every girl and young woman out there, as a strong minded woman that advocates feminism and diversity, is that I am all for standing up to support women against feeling pressured into being something they are not, and ensuring representation of everyone – no matter how different. Just be yourself.
Overall, the whole album changed my life and I spent many a day singing every single lyric to every single song, so much so that almost 20 years later and I remember every word.
I think what brought me out of my shell with this album is the raw emotion that Evanescence brings out from the lyrics to the melodies. The band is not afraid to explore the dark side of pain, suffering and obsession, as well as the intensity of love, salvation – you only need to listen to the song ‘My Tourniquet’, originally written for the Christian Metal band Soul Embraced, to experience this – and freedom. I was born into a life of suffering, born as a disabled child, growing up in hospitals day in and day out, going through over thirty operations, the never ending pain endured through my illness, the exhaustion, the emotional collapse, the unfathomable freakish fears I had to overcome with every cut that made me bleed. And on top of that I had to endure society and it’s unfair treatment of me and my disability, the battle to be seen as an equal. But most of all, I came close to death twice in my life and came out the other end stronger and more resilient. I have a love hate relationship with death. I used to want to die due to the pain, suffering and cruelty from others I had to deal with. But, I never once felt suicidal, in fact I felt closer to God by accepting death.
Listening to music that talks about death was my salvation.
As Melissa Maerz of ‘Spin Magazine’ said “[the album] tackles capital letter issues – God ('Tourniquet'), Love ('Going Under'), and Death ('Bring Me To Life') – with the grandeur they deserve”. And I am inclined to agree and further point out that the album title “Fallen” wraps this idea all up in a big black beautiful bow: fallen from the grace (the concept of committing suicide in ‘My Tourniquet’), falling out of love (when Amy Lee speaks of her emotionally damaging past relationship in ‘Going Under’), and fallen from existence (the concept of death as she sings ‘Bring Me to Life’).
The album makes me think of a ‘Fallen Angel’. And there is something beautifully raw and vulnerable about the idea that an angel has fallen from grace, has become mortal and lost his wings. It’s both tragic and romantic. What if the angel lost his wings for his one true love?
This album really defined my life. It taught me about myself, and that my life is a contradiction.
As Amy Lee told the San Antonio ‘Current’ back in 2011: "I am a Christian, and I'm proud of being a Christian, but Evanescence has never been a Christian band.” Though Amy Lee found every opportunity to backlash against any theories that the band fell into the realm of Christian Metal, it was refreshing to hear that she was able to define herself both of Christian belief and of a metal musical influence. The two can co-exist and this sent me an important message at a time when I was battling with my own demons; all those years feeling guilty that I loved hanging out in metal joints and head banging to Nine Inch Nails, while waking up on a Sunday morning and going to church. It is okay to do both, to be both, to belong to both, to enjoy both.
It is okay to be me, a constant contradiction, two sides of the same coin.
So, where has the album ‘Fallen’ by Evanescence taken me now and where will it take me next?
Fast forward to today and I am more in tune with both sides of my personality than I have ever been. I met my husband who is a traditional Greek Orthodox man, we go to church together and I dress in my Karen Millen dress, donning my Dior handbag and my Prada boots. But, we also love going to Electrowerkz in Angel to listen to gothic and 80s synth pop music, dressed in black gothic clothing from Camden Lock Market. We like to listen to Greek music and pop music, as well as metal and rock. Life does not necessarily have to be contained into a box. It is fluid and free.
Ever since I experienced the ecstasy of seeing Evanescence in my aunt’s living room that fateful day, my life has gone into a forward spiral of exploration and adventure.
I have since found myself expanding my musical horizons and have unearthed amazing symphonic metal bands like Within Temptation, Nightwish, Leaves Eyes, Epica, Lacuna Coil, After Forever, Xandria, and Sirenia to name a few of my most beloved ones. And what evokes my passion about these bands is the simple fact that they are female fronted Metal Bands.
After attending ‘Female Metal Voices’ Tour in November 2019 prior to the pandemic, and meeting Sirenia to my utter astonishment and joy, I searched for tickets to see Evanescence and Within Temptation. For the first time in my life, I will put a big tick on my bucket list after seeing the two most epic, female fronted symphonic metal bands of my life coming up in April 2022.
Another big tick on my bucket list is to one day become a DJ in a goth club with an epic playlist of songs from my beloved top symphonic metal bands.
My final big tick on my bucket list would be to become THE female lead singer to a metal band! (Anyone?)
And then I can die happy.
Written by Maria Nicolette
Hello! I’m Maria Nicolette, a writer and contributor to The Everyday Magazine.
I’m an ambitious disabled woman. I write about my passions in an authentic voice and absolutely abhor toxic positivity. So, don’t ask me to sugar-coat the truth!
My topics of interest are:
Diversity: disability and female empowerment,
Wellbeing: mental health, gardening, hobbies
Art and culture: across the board!
Luxury lifestyle: fashion, travel, beauty
Entertainment: movies, music, gaming.
I volunteer as a Creative Content Writer, offering my copywriting, editing, public engagement, social media, communications and PR skills. I have volunteered my time for charities including The Children’s Trust, Ignite Hubs, and Enhance the UK.
My love for art and culture has led me to spend my time on interesting projects like Sci-Fi London as I am insane about film and have worked as an extra in Mission Impossible 5. I also work with Talks by Megan an influencer on invisible disabilities who is a bright and beautiful disabilities and diversity advocate. No one day is the same, and every day is interesting – which is how I love life!
Let’s connect: https://www.linkedin.com/in/marianicolette/
https://www.instagram.com/marianicolette_
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