Ohheycicde: Openly Discussing Suicidal Ideation
Trigger Warning - this article openly discusses suicide and suicidial ideation
Suicidal ideation isn’t really openly discussed in any social setting that I’m aware of. I’ve talked about it briefly with my mental health friends, but it rarely gets past the point of acknowledging that we both aren’t that adverse to dying, and then swiftly moving on. Let’s face it, talking about suicide and suicidal ideation is rarely an enjoyable or comfortable conversation, so why bring it up (outside of therapy) at all?
For those of you who don’t know, suicidal ideation is more than just having the idea that you could kill yourself and it’s less than practically planning to kill yourself. Suicidal ideation is like playing out a fantasy of killing yourself. Sometimes, it’s a mental narrative that goes through the necessary steps to complete suicide, sometimes deliberating over what would be easier or most effective, and then reflecting on the feelings of relief that could be accessed by dying. However, it can also be as simple as finding joy in fantasising about not existing.
I personally started having suicidal ideations when I was fourteen, and I still have them now at 23, particularly when my PTSD is playing up or when I’ve got too many things on my plate. They used to make me feel like a freak, wishing I was dead but not strong enough to do it. Once I started working in mental health, I realised that they were a response to extreme emotions. But, I remained uncomfortable exploring or vocalising my experiences. I just repressed them, rationalising them as a brain glitch.
Subsequently having suicidal ideations remained my shameful secret, even though I was open about lots of other things that related to my mental health. Until, I listened to PleasePrettylea’s latest release: 'Ohheycicde' Ft: NeONE The Wonderer
“Clench my heart as it breaks a million times
Painted lips as I force a broken smile
The track is a fierce Alternative Hip-Hop Ballad which explores PleasePrettylea’s suicidal ideations after a series of traumatic events. Voldermortis (one of Prettylea’s many personalities) coveys the almost seductive nature of suicidal ideation in clear detail. To those who haven’t had suicidal ideations, talking about suicide as seductive can sound strange. But, suicidal ideations are symptomatic. The brain romanticises the quiet, still nature of death because severe psychological and emotional stress without respite is mentally exhausting. This means having suicidal ideations is usually followed by a lot of shame.
“What’s left of me there is no one to think
Dark in my eyes there are pills by the sink,
Or should I end it all by jumping from a bridge?”
Lyrically, Pleaseprettylea explores what motivates and sustains suicidal ideations, as well as what eventually causes them to come to an end. Ohheycicde tumultuous structure and intoxicating crescendo soundscapes perfectly capture the insidious nature of suicidal ideations. The building of irrationally chaotic, loud emotions that become almost unbearable and then desire for release at any cost.
“Suicide is really real
My mind can’t handle how I feel,
Why don’t you do it. Just do it!”
Some might question the graphic nature of the track, however, suicide and suicidal ideation is graphic. Not talking about it keeps it shameful, and talking about it in a less graphic nature would be dishonest. Mental health is messy and uncomfortable, it doesn’t typically make sense on the surface, especially behaviours like suicide and suicidal ideation. So, if art touches on the subject, but doesn’t go deep enough to truly capture the nuances of particular mental health experiences, it can almost make people feel worse.
To get personal, my suicidal ideations often involved jumping in front of trains or traffic. But, I’d only ever heard people talk about suicidal ideation in the sense of wanting to die. They always spoke about it as a purely sad experience, but for me it was also almost exhilarating to think that I might be able to not exist. My potential ability to just die and escape all the pressure felt like a secret get out card and I found comfort in it. I thought my mind was especially violent and psychotic until I saw the same twisted feeling of power conveyed in Ohheycicde.
“It’s bad this time around
She pulls the rope, yet there is no sound”
For me having suicidal ideations was an incredibly alienating experience. You know that it’s not what you should be thinking about, but because it’s not discussed you’re also not sure if it’s just one of those things, or a sign that you are definitely going crazy. It feels embarrassing that there’s something alluring about suicidal ideation. Let’s talk about that, before the embarrassment turns to shame and compounds the problem.
Having access to art like Ohheycicde, something that so perfectly captured my previously confusing experiences, brought me instant release. I break into tears almost every time I listen to it. But I’m not crying because I feel sad, although there’s definitely a part of myself that feels sad about having suicidal ideations. I’m crying because after almost 10 years of thinking that no one understood me, I finally feel heard and seen. And, when it comes to mental health sometimes that’s all you need, to not feel completely alone.
“Stop keeping such secrets,
Yourself needs to heal,
You have so much to give
So please try and live.”
You can watch my full interview with PleasePrettylea and NeOne The Wonderer, Ohheycicde The Discussion, here and listen to the track here.
If you’re struggling with suicide or suicidal ideation, please don’t be afraid to seek help. Below are some support links.
Samaritans: https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/
The Calm Zone: https://www.thecalmzone.net/issues/suicide/