Annabel Fitzsimons
"The median is the plane which divides two things, itself occupying a liminal space between.”
‘At the Median’ (2018 - ongoing) looks at the sensory and visual facets of my life with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. In this project I locate my childhood memories in the contexts in which they occurred, both within my home life and in the surrounding area, in order to create allegorical representations of my lived experiences. Through doing so, I come to occupy a liminal space between past and present, allowing me to mediate between the two.
Set in the New Forest where I grew up, these meditative pictures unearth a personal journey, locating memories in physical space. These reminiscences span from my family home to familiar surrounding environments, and subsequently feature both new memories formed during trips home to make the work and old memories re-experienced in a new context. In my endeavour to express the indescribable aspects of my lived experience, I reflect on the way in which my mental health alters my perception, imparting both darkness and light to my worldview. Seeking to capture a different way of seeing which results from this perspective, I take a stylistic approach which is aimed at recreating my unique tactile experience."
OCD, for me, is often the feeling of being stuck. Stuck in repetitive moments, with constant doubt, and a hyper-awareness of my movements. It is also rather complex as, unlike many sufferers, I do not experience only one type of OCD. Although our understanding of the disorder is improving, it still tends to be separated into a few categories, even though, in reality, there can be lots of overlap between them. There are also many other, lesser-known, types - such as what I most commonly experience, usually referred to as ‘just right’ OCD.
Throughout each day I am faced with these ‘just right’ symptoms, and a feeling of incompleteness, subsequently engaging in frequent rituals to supress a sensation described as “driven by a powerful urge”. I repeat these movements until the feeling of incompleteness has gone, or the frustration is too overwhelming and I cannot relieve the anxiety.
The International OCD Foundation (IOCDF)’s summary of this type of OCD aligns well with my individual experience, especially the triggers it outlines:
• Sight. Example: A person feels that his/her comb is not in ‘quite the right place’ on the dresser, and might proceed to pick it up and put it back down – repeating until the feeling of incompleteness is gone.
• Sound. Example: A person practicing piano feels that a certain note is ‘off’, and needs to play it over and over until it sounds right – even though tuning of the note has not changed in any real way.
• Touch. Example: After touching a table, a person feels a sudden need to touch it again (and again) until a feeling of tension/distress goes away.
• Personal Expression. Example: A person might need to express himself/herself ‘precisely’ in written or spoken words (even in his/her own head) – ‘working through’ wording until it meets their own standards of being ‘just right’
All four of these ‘triggers’ occur regularly for me, and so it was very important to me that I explored these sensory aspects within the photographs.
For many sufferers of OCD, these rituals are preceded by particular obsessive or intrusive thoughts which cause this feeling of doubt, although in my experience they can often be disjointed. These ‘just right’ moments are only sporadically connected to a particular worry or intrusive thought, and instead are “driven by a powerful urge” to satisfy this feeling. That is not to say that I do not experience intrusive or obsessive thoughts, but that they do not always appear as a precursor to these ‘just right’ symptoms. When these obsessive thoughts do emerge, they tend to involve fearing for the safety of those close to me, or sometimes the wellbeing of strangers if it occurs in public.
Although this ‘just right’ type of OCD does form a significant part of my experience, I also encounter symptoms from other types of OCD, such as being bombarded by rather bizarre (and often very distressing) intrusive thoughts which is often defined as ‘Pure O’. Subsequently, as my personal experience with OCD is quite complex, it was incredibly challenging to set out a way to visualise this through photography. After trying a more conceptual approach in the earlier part of my masters, where I created and have been developing this project, I became overly focused on the specific symptoms and thus dissatisfied with the results. Therefore, I decided to concentrate more on showing my perspective as a result of this experience, rather than merely the experience itself.
As I began experiencing symptoms of OCD at an early age, I thought it was important that I mould the project into a personal journey which explores my altered perspective as a result of this experience, and so I travelled home regularly over a few months to shoot. As I revisit the home I grew up in and the surrounding environments, I locate my childhood memories in the contexts in which they occurred, in order to create allegorical representations of my lived experiences. Through doing so, I come to occupy a liminal space between past and present (at the median), allowing me to mediate between the two.
Photography and Words by Annabel Fitzsimons
Annabel Fitzsimons is a British photographer, currently based in Bristol, primarily making work that explores indescribable aspects of the human experience with dream-like imagery. A background in the social sciences informed her practice and allowed her to engage with photography through a sociological and psychological lens. She completed her BSc in Social Policy at the University of Bristol, and is currently working on her MA in Photography at UWE Bristol.