Bad Romance: Problematic Fictional Relationships
This one is for my generation. For the ones who grew up on unrealistic relationship expectations in Sweet Valley High, Saved By The Bell, Friends, Sex And The City, Felicity, Gilmore Girls, Grey’s Anatomy, and Desperate Housewives. We all grew up with the same TV fairytales: finding our eternal happy ending with the man of our dreams. We would meet, be swept off our feet, and get married to live happily ever after with our beautiful children in a white picket fenced home in the suburbs. Or we would eventually find love after years of pining, waiting, hoping, and wishing for him to realize that we were worth it. Either way, we would get our love story because these TV shows must have gotten some real life inspiration, right?
The hope that we could tame that ‘bad boy’ or should stick it out in a bad relationship until it eventually turned around was strongly imprinted on us via several fictional couples the same way teen shows depicted girls needing to be white and skinny to be perceived as beautiful. The big difference between reality and fiction, is that in reality these relationships are less romantic, more traumatic, and most likely won’t result in a happy ending before the credits start rolling.
Disclaimer: my personal experience reflects on the female perspective only. This isn’t an all-encompassing article about how women are perfect and men are shit. I just want to reflect on mainstream shows that my generation grew up with, that shared an image of contemporary, over-romanticized template of problematic cis-heterosexual relationships. I’ve seen it affecting many of my girlfriends growing up and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t affect me too.
The movies and TV shows I discuss here may be a little outdated, but they are the stories I grew up with and the examples myself and many friends have gotten our false ideas of romance from.
See, he’s her lobster!
The first and best examples are, of course, Ross & Rachel and Carrie & Big. For years they’ve been heralded as the original #relationshipgoals. I don’t have enough hands to count the times I’ve dreamed of finding such a love. For years I’ve witnessed my girlfriends sticking it out in horrible relationships, because “he’s my Ross and I’m his Rachel”.
Ross and Rachel never had it easy. Neither of them was perfect, but they managed to find each other in the end. He’s her lobster. In reality, that whole situation would be pretty unbearable. The minute Ross met Rachel, he decided that she was his. When he finally had her, he failed to respect her. He always saw her as his future wife-to-be who would bear him his children in Scarsdale. Rachel could not conform to the woman Ross imagined her to be. It took several years and many break-ups, fights, and heartaches for them to get properly together. But, during every attempt, Rachel was continuously “the one getting clobbered”. She wouldn’t have gotten hurt if she had given into what Ross had pictured. It took years for Ross to treat Rachel with respect, even when they were on friendly terms - remember both Mark-situations? It’s hard to believe that a couple in this setting would be able to remain as close friends on a daily basis, even for the sake of the group.
Meanwhile SATC made headlines for its direct approach to openly displaying femininity, female independence, and female sexuality in mainstream television. Unfortunately it failed with Carrie & Big. The way he led her on to continuously break her heart over and over again was tiresome and frankly, mentally abusive. Yet she carried that torch for him until he finally gave in, even at times when she tried giving up. Yes, it was Carrie’s choice, but the writers chose to depict that true love exists so long as the woman is willing to compromise herself by dismantling her entire being repeatedly until the guy finally realizes that nobody else would endure that much pain if they didn’t truly love them. And thus, it was all worth it, in the end.
As fans, we rooted for Carrie to move on from Big. She deserved all the love and happiness that he could not give her. And yet, the only one she wanted it from was him. Every guy she dated after her first meeting with Big, wasn’t good enough because they weren’t him. Would it then be fair to say Carrie was the one to blame for this? After all, she chose to continuously give Big a chance every time he returned, fully knowing “what he’s like”. Fool me once, and all that. While Carrie should’ve known better, it doesn’t mean the pain was deserved. Big regularly turned to her for help while giving her a better boyfriend experience every time and then repeatedly dumped her. In real life, there would be no foundation left to build trust on in this relationship.
The Simpsons, even though a lighthearted comedy, also portrays an unhealthy cis-heterosexual relationship between Homer and Marge. In her past, Marge is often portrayed as a feminist icon who chose to become a housewife, which isn’t a downgrade nor an easy path. Being a housewife is still not considered as a respectable career, even though it should be. It’s a thankless job that goes at the expense of oneself and does not pay the rent. Time and again a storyline pops up where Marge takes a break from Homer’s lack of respect. He rarely ever appreciates or supports her, especially when she attains a career of her own as a police officer or a real estate agent, which she eventually gives up by choice. In the spirit of comedy, she is portrayed as the sensible half of the relationship, offering Homer some comedic moments. But it also comes with the portrayal of being the stereotypically nagging housewife while her husband spends his time getting drunk in the local dive and barely takes care of his own children. Even though it’s a comedic, social commentary on such stereotypes, it can also feed the false notion that this is just “how life goes”.
Then, there’s the more ‘realistic’ representations of bad relationships in Gilmore Girls. When Rory abandoned the trustworthy, loveable Dean for the mysterious Jess, she soon discovered that he was not all he cracked up to be when he was trying to win her heart. The allure of the ‘bad boy’ boyfriend disappeared swiftly when he repeatedly bailed and lied to her. Having been spoiled by her amazing first boyfriend - and the most amazing first boyfriend a girl could ever wish for, no matter how much of a “simp” he’d be considered now - Rory carefully asked Jess to be more reliable, after which he felt attacked. He gaslit her for having such “high expectations” because of Dean, while they were actually normal expectations of any relationship. His defensive response caused her to pull back on herself, thus compromising herself out of fear of losing him, which many women - including yours truly - have done at least once. In the end, Jess repaid her by secretly skipping town and expected her to upend her life for him when he returned. Again, Rory made the same mistake with Logan as she compromised her own values by trying to be the “casual girl”, which actually broke her heart. In the series, Logan falls so in love with Rory that he eventually wanted to marry her. Another happy ending we’d all like to have guaranteed. But in the Netflix revival, whether it’s a sequel or a replacement storyline, Rory’s still playing pretend at being happy enough to be Logan’s secret side dish while he’s engaged to another woman. Yawn.
There also have been reverse depictions that still portray the same relationship expectations, such as Dexter or Breaking Bad. Both series depicted the struggle of our male protagonists, which caused a lot of difficulty in their relationships. Yet it was their female counterparts who became the most hated characters. These shows were written from a sympathetic perspective of ‘the bad guy’, to have us root for them. It’s an interesting angle that reflects on the multi-faceted aspects of humanity. Dexter and Walt both had a secret to keep, both were convinced they were doing something for the greater good. The fact that it came at the expense of their female counterparts, was a means that was justified in the end. Rita was a single mother of two who had just left an abusive relationship to end up with Dexter, who really tried to do well but couldn’t help his psychopathic needs. While this not only cost Rita her life, having the story told from Dexter’s perspective made the viewer unsympathetic to her experience and that of her children. The minute Rita spotted the red flags, it became an interruption of Dexter’s journey. Walter White’s illegal activities often led to encounters with dangerous gangs and cartels that also put his family’s lives at risk without their knowledge. But when Skylar found out and crucified him for it - as any mother would have done - she became the most hated woman of the show, even when she tried to make it work. At the end of the day, both women were wives and mothers who needed to put their children and own well-being first and simultaneously were not allowed to antagonize their partner’s journey.
And, of course, let’s not forget movie examples like She’s All That ,Grease, or The Breakfast Club where the guy recognizes a girl’s worth after a horrible make-over. Girls have continuously been given the whole romanticized idea that they have to change themselves for a man, even if it caused trauma or changed them into a whole different blood-sucking, sparkling, undead species. And, in similar fashion, men were imprinted with the idea that women will do so as long as you allude to the glimmering hope of true love.
God forbid if it were the other way around, though. Then, the woman would be a complete and utter bitch. Can you say 500 Days Of Summer, 10 Things I Hate About You, or all the popular girls in every 90’s teen show ever?
It’s not just the women.
These depictions do not only romanticize problematic relationships, but also shows both women and men that women will compromise themselves in exchange for love. We’ve all made that horrible decision because “I’d rather keep this guy as a friend than not have him in my life at all”. Instead, why are we not shown the more intricate dealings of a relationship, like working through personal differences or balancing different lifestyles or careers? Or to have the woman move on without it meaning the end of her entire existence? Why is it so uncommon to show a man being let down by the woman of his dreams or willing to stick it out in an unhealthy relationship, without the woman being labelled as a bitch?
Having that said, it’s also important to reflect that it’s okay for men to make these mistakes as well. There are shows and movies that illustrate this, but that’s only been since recently - as in, the early 00’s, like both versions of The Office. But when I grew up, men were considered - and represented as - the stronger sex. They were too macho to pine for love while women would almost kill themselves - or each other - if they couldn’t have them. The male perspective showed that they could treat their admirers, girlfriends, or wives any way they wanted, because they’ll put up with it for love. But if they don’t, beware - those are the bunny boilers.
The outsider perspective
On another note, these stories hit us straight in the ticker because we view them as outsiders. While we avoid spoilers - which didn’t even exist back in the 90’s - we can walk away from these heartbreaking moments knowing that they weren’t real. Rewatching them means we know things will be okay. It’s similar to the suspense in horror movies, which we watch knowing the killer is around the corner or that the main character is going to die. However, it wouldn’t feel as exhilarating if you were the one being chased by some creepy guy with a chainsaw in the middle of nowhere. The same way you wouldn’t enjoy the experience of being ghosted by your latest date to see him with another girl, even if he is secretly crazy for you. And your best friend is not sitting on the sideline gushing about how romantic that really is.
TV series and movies, like every other type of media, come with a certain disclaimer: they’re not there to raise us and they cannot be held accountable for their viewers’ actions. Call of Duty does not create school shooters the same way bad relationships do not happen because of Ross & Rachel. Whatever people take away from the stories they watch is based on their personal experience and relatability. But, also in terms of relatability, we want to see a piece of our real world reflected in the stories we consume.
Basically, we ask people to take responsibility for their own interpretations, to distinguish fact from fiction while, at the same time, we want a storyline/character to relate to. This is where our wires get crossed, because how are we supposed to distinguish fact from fiction when we want fiction to reflect fact? Even now we’re still fighting for on-screen relatability for characters of different races, genders, sexual orientations, ages, abilities, ethnicities, cultures, etc. We want to get lost in the stories of characters that are similar to ours, so it’s understandable that life starts imitating art - intentionally or not. Therefore, it’s important to depict realistic relationship expectations as much as we need to be more realistic about fictional expectations.
If Friends was made realistically, Rachel would’ve become the phased-out Kip and Carrie would’ve given up on Big sooner. This is not to say that happy endings never happen, but it does not undo that these shows and their nostalgic #couplegoals have imprinted a certain idea of relationship expectations of women. I’ve experienced the effects and seen them on my friends the same way I didn’t consider myself pretty because I wasn’t a perky, white girl like the cheerleaders on TV. Representation matters, especially at such a young and tender age. I may not have known better as a child or teenager, but luckily I do as an adult. Unfortunately, that came with learning the hard way that not all men are Aidan Shaw, Steve Bradley, or Dean Forrester.
Written by Indah Suria
Indah is an Ireland based contributor from The Netherlands. After her BA (hons) in film and her masters in creative media practice, she runs Suria Creative - her own freelance writing and design business. When she is not working, she makes time to practice photography, yoga, pole or any other form of dancing. On her lazy days, she enjoys reading or binging series. While at home she is known to be the queen of snacks, on IG she’s just plain old @indahgramm and has a pole account at @impolefection. You can catch her freelance work at www.suriacreative.com.