Why Have None Of My Male Friends Watched Normal People?
Much of what I know about love has come from Dolly Alderton’s debut novel, or life’s curveballs. Much of what I know about sex, has come from Sally Rooney’s Normal People.
Like most of the country, I devoured Hulu’s adaptation of Rooney’s novel as soon as it aired on BBC iPlayer. My friends reported a similar occurrence, checking in at 2am with weepy text messages. It was primarily my female friends that watched it.
Normal People captured a halting relationship flourish and fail in the space of minutes, showed a vulnerable first-time sexual experience and depicted a couple thrive on the inability to communicate. Rooney has crafted an exquisitely intimate story, which is both a refreshing and heart-rending depiction of love and youth. It is clear that this series would contain important messages for the young generation.
Whilst the series adaptation of Normal People featured heavily in the news when the first sparkling reviews came in, I am yet to encounter much commentary regarding the male experience of watching the show. Rooney dabbles in topics that incessantly plague the young generation: class barriers, power struggles between genders, emotional vulnerability and sexual intimacy. It would therefore appear as a show for both men and women. Why, then, have I only spoken to three other men that have sat through the series? Besides my dad who watched the show, and no I did not watch it with him, I was able to chat to two of my good male friends, Marcus Brown and Archie Reynolds, about their opinions regarding relationships and sex in Normal People. When collating their answers, it is interesting to note that Marcus and Archie have never met, do not run in any similar friendship circles, shock horror, and are different ages. Nonetheless, they share very similar views. To you both, I am extremely thankful for your time and honesty.
Q: Do you have many male friends that watched, and enjoyed, Normal People?
M: I have many male friends who watched the show and genuinely loved everything about it. We found that the show’s rawness really resonated with being a young male in today’s world.
A: I genuinely believe that all of my male friends who gave it a proper chance enjoyed it a great deal. However, I think to some extent its reputation precedes itself. There were definitely a significant number of male friends who scoffed at it and the idea of watching it.
Like much of the preoccupation for social acceptance and reputation in Normal People, it appears this is partially mirrored in real life. Funnily enough, the reaction of some of Archie’s male friends reminds me of the dismissive behaviour of Connell’s friends in the show. Rooney really did hit the nail on the head when crafting characters that would be relatable in the twenty-first century.
Not only did Rooney craft convincing characters, but convincing scenarios. Episode two portrayed the first explicit sex scene of many to come, with striking sincerity. Connell peers over at Marianne and asks ‘is this your first time?’ in about the same tone that one would ask a stranger if the 68 bus will be stopping on this road. Marianne nods, smiles and fluffs the pillow like she's settling in for an evening film and ice-cream. What follows, is an important conversation, not about ice-cream flavours, but boundaries and trust. The conversation is pure and honest. Connell does not tease or invalidate Marianne’s sexual inexperience; instead, he establishes a safe place of mutual trust early on in their relationship. This sort of behaviour should be normal. The fumbling and the sheer awkwardness of this sexual encounter would have caused many viewers to hold their breath, for fear of intruding. One does, however, exhale in relief to find that this scene between Marianne and Connell goes to set a positive standard of a first time sexual experience, something that is often overlooked in such detail in mainstream television. That is unless you have binged Sex Education.
Rooney, alongside the directors, have stripped this scene and its characters, quite literally, of any extra lavishness. From the choice of location, music and costumes, nothing appears too far from how a first time could be experienced in real life. Marianne gets tangled up in her a bralette, much resembling those from Urban Outfitters, whilst staring at Connell’s childhood posters on his wall. It feels real.
Yet, a crucial factor that often plays a role in people’s first time is overlooked: alcohol. For many young adults, the substance is used to boost confidence when finding themselves in that first-time situation. Similarly, the complex matrix of sex and emotions displayed in the show are also untouched by the presence of online dating. In 2008, when the series adaptation is set, there was a limited online dating sphere. Tinder had not even been conceived. The lack of interference of both these factors suggest that even Normal People becomes extremely far removed from our current reality. Sober, sultry and vastly silent compared to other sex scenes that one would find in Hollywood films, I was unsure as to how they would be received by young males amongst the audience.
Q: What does the sex between Marianne and Connell represent?
A: The sexual relationship between Marianne and Connell at the start seemed normal, but formed from the culmination of immense emotional trauma. The meaning behind their sex shifted significantly throughout the show. They discovered how unfulfilling a relationship built entirely upon sex was without an emotional connection or any form of commitment. It developed very much into an ever-changing power dynamic after that.
M: The sex between Marianne and Connell was very healthy when they are fully open to each other and communicating. It was just the purest expression of what intimacy between two people should be. Unfortunately in the later sex scenes, Marianne stops communicating how she is feeling and their sex ceases to reflect this.
Although both Archie and Marcus agreed that the initial intimate scenes emphasised the notions of consent and communication, this does not mean Marianne and Connell share a straightforward sexual relationship, nor is it devoid of complications and red flags. Some would argue that certain behaviour they exhibit should not be glamourised as an emotionally healthy relationship. Connell ignores the fact that his friends bully her while Marianne goes onto having several abusive sexual relationships that she painfully encourages. Whilst Rooney has shown us a more ‘normal’ youthful relationship, it is also defined by heart-wrenching pain and misunderstanding.
Q: Ultimately, was Marianne and Connell’s relationship based on love or sex?
A: I think sex was very much at the bedrock of their relationship. It is towards the end of the show that this changed slightly, as they started to develop a stronger emotional bond and a visible sense of affection for one another.
M: Hahahahaha I can’t answer this one. I really don’t know.
Q: Did the content of Normal People catapult any specific taboo or ‘untouched’ conversations between your family and friends?
A: When discussing Normal People with friends, we would sometimes gloss over some of the uncomfortable aspects of the show. But, when risqué topics of conversations came up naturally in the months following the show’s release, people would say ‘Oh, just like in Normal People’, normalising some of the discussions we had.
M: Normal People was so successful in redefining how sex should be presented upon the screen. As an actor, I strive to be part of projects that reshape the way we see the world. I felt that the show was a nice conversation starter that led to talking about raw sexual intimacy, something I personally have always found to be liberating.
Q: What did you learn from the relationship in the series?
A: I would regard Marianne and Connell’s relationship as a normal stepping stone, the type of relationship that is vital to experience in order to learn things about yourself. The type of relationship that they shared simply doesn’t fall into the melodramatic ‘happy ever after’ relationship that Hollywood has idealised. It was just a different sort of relationship, and that’s okay. In fact, it is more than being just ‘okay’.
M: I think Marianne and Connell were the right people for each other but at the wrong time in their lives. It was merely the world around them that was ever-changing, which prevented their ‘happily ever after’. Life does not have a ‘happily ever after’, it is a series of ups and downs that are never conclusive but that form part of each person’s journey through the world.
Q: I found comfort in knowing that everything that Marianne and Connell felt is normal at any stage of life. My lesson learnt, is to talk to the person you love, be open and communicative. What did you learn?
A: Upon finishing the show, I am not sure that there was a single overarching message coming from it. Whilst communication and honesty play a pivotal part, for any viewer there might not be one single moral to the story.
M: I have taken that communication is the crucial ingredient in a relationship and all its different aspects.
Q: Is ‘Normal People’ something you would want other young males to watch?
M: I think all young people should watch it when they are ready. Unfortunately, we live in a world where the discussion of sex is massively discouraged. Communication in sex and the exploration of pleasure within Normal People certainly exceeds what is taught in the school curriculum. Its discussion of male mental health, is also a huge part of its promotion of communication and will be extremely healthy for young people to see, especially in a time where mental health is under constant threat from our strange modern world. I found myself just wishing to take Connell into my arms and tell him that it was okay, and he could let it all out.
A: Absolutely. I think it is so important for people to see how real relationships work – especially amongst younger people. Any form of content which depicts real life and moves away from the relationships depicted in most Hollywood films or porn is probably worth watching. Normal People definitely falls into that category.
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There you have it. Normal People shines a gentle light on issues amongst young adults, prompting crucial conversations to be had within friendship circles and in society. It may as well have been called ‘Normal People and their emotions’, given it covered a vast scale of emotional anguish, loss, and discovery in such a short space of twelve episodes. Normal People is an impassioned coming-of-age story, acknowledging both the tender and transformative nature of first love, proving that first loves can be all things powerful, precious, but destructive too. For those men who are still convinced the show is not for them, I want a good reason.
‘No’, is simply not enough.
Disclaimer: for privacy purposes the names of the respondents have been changed
Written by India Horner
I’m an undergraduate European Politics and Spanish student at Kings College London. Writing has always been my safe haven from the wild world we are living in. I wish to enter a world of journalism and speak up about critical issues such as climate change, gender equality and human rights.