The Blood Group by Michelle Blackwell
“Hi there, yes, you with the lovely red bag. Sorry to bother you, I’m sure you have a million and one other things to do this evening but I just wondered if I could take five minutes of your time to tell you about a new diet and exercise plan that has changed my life forever and could do the same for you. I’m fitter, weigh less and have far more energy than ever before. Sound interesting? Well, not only that but it’s easy, doesn’t cost a penny and will last your entire lifetime.
I know this all sounds too good to be true but look at me; I never thought in a million years that I’d be that stereotypical man who hit 40 with a bald patch and a beer belly. I’m talking about the dreaded middle-aged spread. Diets stopped working and the gym was full of fit young things - most off putting. There was not much I could do about the bald patch but the beer belly? I knew that had to go. Well that was when I found this group, or perhaps more truthfully, this group found me.
I’ve lost four stone over the last two months! Four stone, that’s not possible…is it? I won’t bore you too much with the before and after photos although I do have some if you’re interested? No? In a rush? OK but once you hear more, you’ll want to see the results.
Look at me now. Come on, you’ve got to admit it, I look pretty damn good. I know, I know, you’re looking at me; all sceptical and full of doubt. I felt exactly the same but that was before I became part of the group. Yes, the group. What is this group you ask? Please let me explain.
The Blood Group was set up by a group of highly respected people, haematologists as it happens, who through their ground-breaking studies discovered the key to losing weight was through blood. All these years of yo-yo dieting and hours of exercise totally wasted when what we really should have been concentrating on is blood. It’s so simple.
I’ll admit, the food is a little restrictive. Well when I say food, it is mainly a liquid diet, but it’s full of nutrients. You’ll not believe how quickly, and some would say, insatiably, your thirst for it will become. You’ll honestly not crave anything else. And ok, there is some exercise involved, mainly running. But you start off nice and easy, with other new blood group members. As you lose the weight and get fitter, you’ll be sent out and about, with more experienced members to allow you to really get your teeth into it, shall we say.
The photos? Here we are. Yes, that’s me 4 months ago. Amazing huh? What’s that? OK, I suppose I am looking a little paler now, but no, my teeth don’t look different. Well perhaps they just look a little longer because my face isn’t as fat. Look, concentrate on how much weight I’ve lost, forget my teeth.
We meet every Thursday any time after sunset, no earlier please, just here in the local hall. The church hall? No, not the church hall, they’re not really our kind of people. No offence if you are that kind but it’s not really our thing. That reminds me, could I ask that you don’t wear any kind of crucifix? Or anything religious. It does offend some people doesn’t it? And you can never be too careful these days, too many snowflakes around. We meet in the village hall. Bring a friend if you like? Honestly, the more the merrier. We can always use extra people even if they do decide they’re not willing to join our group. Oh, and please, can you make sure that you don’t eat any garlic that day. Our leader has a very intense reaction to garlic so we must insist on this. It’s funny, you’ll probably find that once you’ve joined our group, you’ll go off it too.
If I can take your name? and address? Yes, yes, fabulous. And do you live alone? Oh sorry, I’m not prying, it’s just we like to keep a close eye on our new members, it can all be a lot to take in. It is, after all, a big change in your life and we want to make sure you’re dealing with it. You’ll be there for a few hours but think of it as an investment in your future. And what a very long future you’ll have if you decide to join us. Our motto is ‘you are what you eat’ and we try to adhere to this as much as possible. Right, that’s lovely. Now I’ve signed you up, I’m off to chase down other victims, ha ha, just a little joke. We’ll see you tomorrow then, after sunset. Bring a friend or even two? And remember, no garlic.”
Written by Michelle Blackwell
I worked as a sign maker for many years but sold my business to spend more time with my teenagers (mainly as a taxi service) and to do more things I want to do rather than have to. I've always read prolifically but not really written much since I was a kid. I'm loving this opportunity to go back to doing something I used to love.