Best Behaviour: Dating as a Sales Pitch
“OK, so I have a really scary question to ask you”. Holding my breath, my dignity and my stomach muscles firmly in place, I looked at the man I’d been friends with for the last 20 years. We’d always been close. From the minute we met, we just clicked. To say someone is the other half of you sounds like such a massive cliché, but he really was. He got me. I got him. We had the same morals, the same standards, the same outlook on life and most importantly, we had compatible spirits. That might sound a bit flaky but what I mean by that is that we viewed the landscape of life the same way – our dreams, our loves, our dislikes.
However, for numerous reasons our friendship had always remained platonic. We’d never got the timing right. When I was single, he was in a relationship and vice versa. We had what I can only call a mental affair – everything except for sex. Long phone calls, long evenings sitting talking, days on the beach walking, all whilst happily with other partners. It was the best friendship but tinged always with a “what might have been” feeling. We’d come close a number of times to getting it together, but it had never actually made it past the goal posts.
“Are we ever going to get together?” I asked. I was in a long term relationship that had died years before. I had been trying to leave for 6 years but never managed to pluck up the courage to do it. But then I met someone who I thought I could have a really good relationship with and it was, as so often happens in these situations, the catalyst I needed to get off my arse and finally do something proactive about my situation. I also knew that if I started down this path with John, the guy I’d just met, it would very likely turn into a long term situation and I would have to wave goodbye forever to the possibility of a romantic relationship with my friend. Oh, how we love to complicate our own lives, eh?
The answer I got absolutely floored me. “I don’t think I could trust you”, he said. I couldn’t understand how I could be seen as untrustworthy in a relationship way. I’d never cheated on anyone. I’d been in a relationship for the last 10 years. Before that I was with a long term partner too. In all the time this person had known me, I’d only ever been with two people and done every single thing I could to make the relationships work – counselling, compromised, moved house - everything.
He explained to me that he thought that I did everything I could to make someone fall in love with me and “get” them, but then I didn’t want them anymore. I thought really hard about this. Was it true? But then I realised that actually, this is what everyone does these days.
It used to be that you would know someone, either through work, university or mutual friends, and the more time you spent with them and got to know them better, an attraction would form and you would eventually realise that you liked each other and one of you would take the plunge and ask the other out on a date. It was rare, other than the odd blind date here and there, that you would meet someone with the specific purpose of having a relationship with them. Now, with dating apps being so prevalent, it seems to be the norm. You don’t have that initial period where you just get to know someone before deciding that you like them enough to go out on a date.
In the good old days [and by that I mean the ‘80s] you would go out on a few dates before you even had a proper snog. There might be a bit of hand-holding, and the first time that they put their arm around you was a big event - all very heart pounding, exciting, short of breath, sqweeee kind of stuff. Usually sex was a good few months off and living together was something you did after a couple of years, not within 6 months. The point is, you got to really, really know someone well before all the stuff happened.
Now, with meeting people with the specific aim of having a romantic relationship with them, people are on their best behaviour from the word go. You have to do all that common-ground finding and “me too!” stuff right from the minute you first meet. It’s basically selling yourself to the other person, hoping that they find you attractive and interesting enough to want to have a second date with you. They’re doing exactly the same thing to you. Looking for the touch points, looking for the crossovers. If you don’t hit those markers straight away then all bets are off and you’re back to directional swiping.
It’s only after you’ve been going out for a while that you really start to see what the other person is like, purely because it is impossible to be on your best behaviour for ever. You’ll be tired one day, or irritable and the other person gets the first glimpse of not-perfectly behaved you. You might find yourself becoming irritated with some part of their personality that wasn’t immediately noticeable because they were consciously masking it to get you to fall for them too.
It all sounds highly manipulative, but it’s what we do without even realising it. Is it any wonder then that there are so many fewer relationships that last the distance these days?
Some statistics for you:
From a survey of 1000 women, 48% of women responded that they want men who are romantic. (Men’s Health, 2015)
26% of women believe in true love. (Everyday Health, 2014)
Only 28% of women believe in love at first sight. (The Normal Bar, 2012)
93% of women prefer to be asked out on a date.
6% of women prefer to ask a man out.
While 83% of men prefer to do the asking, a total of 16% of men prefer to be asked out by women.
10% of men might be waiting for a woman to ask them out on a date. (Psychology Today, 2011)
Of 171 men and women surveyed, only 18.5% of women were first to say ‘I love you’ in a relationship. (Journal of Social Psychology, 2011)
Of 15,000 men and women surveyed, 88% of women said they are very committed to their partners. (Wave III-National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health)
Of 2000 adults surveyed, 52% of women want to see good manners, 42% want men to ask a lot of questions, 26% want men to pay for their meal, 27% want a man who enjoys his meal, 17% are fine with being a little drunk. (TGI Friday’s, 2015)
There are over 7,500 dating websites in the world.
49 million people have tried online dating.
About 57% of women and 51% of men said they are almost certain that their current relationship will be permanent.
Initially, I had been so upset at my friend’s answer. I couldn’t believe that he saw me that way, however now, I don’t think that I am “untrustworthy” in relationships. I think I’ve just been on my best-behaviour.
Written by Sarah-Jane
Sarah-Jane lives in Bridgwater, Somerset with her dog, Daphne and her partner, Simon. She loves walking and nature and volunteers for WWT at Steart Marshes. She also loves crafting and wishes she was actually Kirstie Allsopp (and had her frock collection).