Suicide, But Why?
TRIGGER WARNINGS - THE ARTICLE DISCUSSES SUICIDE
I am writing this during mental health awareness week; it’s a week full of open and honest conversations about mental health and mental illness. These conversations are happening more than ever, especially in light of the current pandemic, however suicide is still a taboo subject.
I am aware that it is a subject matter which needs to be approached sensitively and, with this in mind, I want to start by saying if you, or someone you know, are struggling with suicidal thoughts the following places can provide help and support.
Samaritans – 116 123
Mind – 0117 980 0370
Calm – 0800 58 58 58
Womens Kind – 0117 916 6461
Local crisis centre and 111 if urgent support is needed.
Suicide is rarely an act of spontaneity; rarely does someone end their life because they feel sad or because they are having a bad day. In my experience, the idea occupies hours of one’s thoughts - following them around like a ghostly shadow which, even on the coldest of days, they cannot shake away. The desire to place a full stop on their pain seeps through their veins and enters their thoughts during the night, making it impossible to sleep.
Obviously, I can only share my experiences, but I know from stories I have heard told that many of my experiences are shared by others in similar situations. There have been times in my life where things have become so exhausting that trying to keep my head above water has taken so much energy that I just wanted to sleep forever. There have been others times when the idea of death became so appealing that suicide stopped being something which I read about and became a very real option. It became something I felt I wanted and needed as I was so desperate to end my pain.
The difference between wanting to sleep forever and taking my own life was the difference between not wanting to exist in my life as I knew it and actually wanting the world to stop spinning. For me, not wanting to live was more a longing for things to be different and a cry for help but wanting to die came at times when I was incapable of feeling anything. There were no pockets of light and although I could recall loving my family and friends, I was unable to actively feel this love. This for me was and still is the hardest thing about my depression. Not being able to feel emotions also meant that I was fearless; I was no longer scared by the idea of death.
When I was actively suicidal, I wrote lists, made funeral arrangements, and left the note which I thought would be my final goodbye. When most people my age were thinking about the song they wanted played as their first dance on their wedding day, I spent my time thinking about what song I wanted to be played at my funeral.
I have heard many people say that ending your life is a selfish act, but this isn’t how I saw it. When I have been in such a dark place, I honestly believed that my family and the world would be better off without me. I was in a small way able to acknowledge that they would suffer a degree of pain from my death, but I honestly believed that the pain would be less than the pain they were currently enduring. By ending my life, I was in some way freeing them from the burden which was placed on them having to support me. I have lost a few friends to suicide and not one of them was a selfish person; they were just people struggling with a haunting darkness.
When someone dies in this way their loved ones instantly ask themselves why they didn’t spot the signs, why they didn’t do something to stop them, but in my experience when I really wanted to die I did everything I could to keep it a secret. I hid from the world, terrified that if anyone found out about my plans, they would rightly stop me in my tracks.
I carried around a lot of shame and guilt for the pain that I have put my family through; seeing the look on my mums face when I woke up in a hospital bed after taking what could have been a fatal overdose still makes me feel the same intense sadness that I felt on that day.
My mums first question was why? I do not remember my response but if she asked me now, I would say, because I needed to stop fighting my demons, I needed to end the inner torment which wasn’t in keeping with the world around me.
Depression feels like I am carrying a 50-tonne weight around my neck, yet the rest of the world seems to be carrying on unchanged. I wish I had the superpower of stopping time just to slow everything down to give me the opportunity to catch my breath without the everyday pressures of life. On reflection I can honestly say that I am glad that I didn’t die, but the weight of life is an on-going daily battle - but one that I continue to fight.
I want to use my experiences to help others and to bring attention to a subject which is rarely spoken about. I also want to say to anyone who has lost someone to suicide that it wasn’t their fault. And, finally, to anyone who is struggling, please don’t struggle alone and do not add guilt and shame to the list of things to torture yourself with as there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.
Talk and reach out for help as there are so many people who want to help, be kind to yourself and please remember that YOU MATTER; hold on tight and keep fighting for the future you.
Written by Clare Wood
Clare lives in Bristol a city which she is proud to be able to call home. She loves interior design, flowers and is addicted to podcasts.