Do You Like Shortbread and The New York Times?
The Bloomberg Cookery Channel
Billionaire’s Shortbread: A New Choice for Democrats
Was it a rule of science, or philosophy, that established that the way to a nation's heart is through its stomach?
Well Mike, whatever your strategist told you, they were probably right. People love free food! Now, looking to the months ahead, it might be a good idea to lend your billionaire status a human touch.
No, Mike, as we keep telling you, don’t mention the philanthropy. Really rubs the public up the wrong way. We were thinking more, you know, Tasty video.
And so, without further ado, we’ve prepared some instructions for a delightful, down to earth treat. You’ll find the recipe attached, in terms you’ll understand.
The first step will be to create the biscuit base. It should be short and rich. So, that won’t be a problem.
Combine the butter and flour together by hand. Once your palms are thoroughly greased, incorporate the Sugar (LLP). It might help to close your eyes and visualise all the times you’ve rubbed your hands together with glee.
By now, the mixture should resemble Sand.ers. Oop. Our mistake.But yes! Mike! You squash that mixture into a ball!…O-ok Mike yes that’s great. Ok stop squashing it Mike.
Once you’ve released the ball from your fists, gently press - SHOVE - press - SHOVE! - calm down Mike - PRESS the dough into a deep tray. Fork the top and put it in the oven. Set a timer for however long you think you’ll keep going.
While your shortbread faces the heat, it’s time to crack on with the caramel.
Add more butter than you’ve ever eaten you health nut you and enough sugar to make a toddler levitate. Then add a promised can of condensed milk and honey. Now would be a fantastic time to bring up gun violence.
Back to the caramel.
While it’s bubbling away, get creative with the seasoning! This is the time to show a little personality. We’ve added maple syrup, vanilla and salt to our mix.
What was that Mike? You want Bouillon? That might be a bit too savoury?
Oh.
Bullion.
There are some things that are just cupboard staples, right. Now Mike, if the caramel gets a bit Bernied, then simply throw more money at it.
Ok we’re sorry Mike. Fine. Pull the shortbread out of the oven and drizzle that caramel all over. If the shortbread starts to crumble, stop asking about its track record with women.
What women? Oh, we don’t know! Time for toppings!!
Melt the choccy in a nice big bowl.
A Super Bowl! That’s the right idea Mike!
Now cover the caramel! Cover the shortbread! Cover the sides if you want! Cover it all up!
No don’t stop Mike, we’re on your side here! Aww c’mon man, it’s not like that? It’ll be fine when everything has cooled down! What have we done to Warrent that?
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And there we have it, the Billionaire Shortbread. A textural conglomerate. A thing of many layers. Wrap it in a non-stick copy of the Financial Times and serve lukewarm.
Just watch out, it might get stuck in your teeth.
Written by Anna Thomas
Novice Londoner, Novice Employee, Novice Writer, Happy to be here.