How To Set Boundaries with Friends Who Have Mental Health Problems
Through improved self-awareness and clear communication on both sides, it’s possible to set realistic boundaries where everyone’s mental health is supported.
As awareness of mental health increases, we become more aware of the negative impact of mental health conditions. Mental illnesses like Depression and Anxiety obviously cause mental health problems. But so do things like grief, stress, and burnout. Once we acknowledge the negative impact of mental health problems on people and their behaviour, we are confronted by a somewhat awkward and challenging reality. As much as people with mental health problems are negatively impacted by their experience, their mental health problems can also negatively impact people around them. Particularly, those they are closest to.
As someone who has experience of both bad mental health and a mental illness, I’m all too aware of the way in which my own struggles could have affected those who support me. I’ve also had multiple romantic and platonic relationships with people experiencing mental health problems. So, I’ve got a good idea of the internal struggle that arises when you love someone and want to be there for them but know that it’s starting to take a toll on you. So, how do we create boundaries that mean we can still support people with their mental health, without risking our own?
When it comes to mental health, you need to put your own oxygen mask on first. This is a phrase my mum always used to say which essentially means that you need to look after yourself before you start trying to help other people. When we apply it to mental health, the instruction is simple. If you’re currently experiencing mental health problems, you need to focus on yourself before you start trying to reach out and support other people. This can be hard because it might involve telling people you love that you can’t be there to listen to their bad day, or worse telling those who are really struggling that you can’t be there for them right now.
However, it’s really important to put this boundary in place. As someone who is already in a state of being mentally unwell, just like someone who is physically unwell, you’re not in a place to support other people. It would be like someone on crutches trying to help someone in a wheelchair down the stairs. Despite it being well-meaning, the consequence is that both parties will likely struggle more than they did before.
This doesn’t mean you need to abandon your loved ones in their struggle. It just means that you’re not in a place to take on theirs at the moment. You can still chat to, hang out with, and be close to them. But when ‘heavy’ topics come up try saying, “I’m really sorry, I’m actually struggling myself at the moment, and I don’t think I’m the best one to support you with this right now.” Reassure them that nothing has changed between the two of you, and when you’re in a better place you’ll be there for them. If things are really bad for them, it might also be worth signposting to potential helplines like SANE.
Even if you have good mental health, it’s still important to set boundaries. In my experience, it’s about striking the balance between supporting people versus doing things for people. For example, supporting someone with anxiety might look like staying with them while they call the doctors if this triggers their anxiety. But making the call for the person, that’s doing things for them. In other words, supporting a loved one is being present, offering words of encouragement, listening and I stress, being kind but honest.
Setting these boundaries can also be hard and again requires clear communication. Try saying things like “I’m happy to come with you”, rather than “I’ll go for you.” When a person is struggling with their mental health ask them what they need and how you can help them. This gives them control over how they are supported. Opening up this line of communication also allows you to set boundaries. If what they ask for feels like ‘doing things for them’ or if it’s too much for you at the moment, try saying ‘I’m sorry, I don’t think I can do that, how about I do (insert thing) with you instead?
For example, if your friend is struggling with depression and it’s affecting their attendance at school or work, don’t simply pass all your notes on to them, or do or their work for them. Try supporting them in other ways, like meeting them before the day starts for coffee and a chat or arranging a phone call during their break to check in with how they are doing. Obviously, if someone is at a point of crisis these suggestions don’t apply. As with physical health problems, mental health problems can also be overwhelming. This leads to a point of crisis where behavioural symptoms become completely out of the person’s control at which point, they may need professional support.
Just like physical health problems, mental health problems don’t go away by themselves. If you want to have good mental health you need to take on some responsibility to look after it. This involves using coping mechanisms which are things that help reduce stress and improve your mental health. I keep a journal, I write poetry, paint, and do yoga. If things are particularly rough and no one’s home I dance it out. For some people, the best coping mechanisms are physical activities like sports or martial arts which wear them out. For others, relaxing by reading a book or having a face mask works better.
Feelings are hard to communicate at the best of times. However, if you take the time to understand your mental health problems, then you can start to manage them. This can help reduce their impact on you and by proxy people around you.
First, try identifying triggers. In other words, things that cause you to feel anxious or sad or stressed. Pay attention to when you have bad physical and emotional reactions to particular environments. Managing your mental health doesn’t mean you have to stop being in these environments. It just means that you need to employ coping mechanisms to manage triggers.
Try and communicate what your triggers are to those closest to you. This means they’ll know what to look out for and when to take extra care. If we don’t develop an awareness of what triggers us it can build up. This causes people’s mental health to get worse and they might break-down or lash out. Our friends and loved ones aren’t mind readers, if you don’t tell them how you’re feeling, they won’t be able to help.
Through improved self-awareness and clear communication on both sides, it’s possible to set realistic boundaries where everyone’s mental health is supported. These conversations aren’t easy, and they can’t be a one-off. Be patient with people. Accept that everyone inevitably falls short of perfection on a regular basis. If you feel like you’re being someone’s therapist, you’re not looking after yourself. Gently let them know that you’re unable to continue having those kinds of conversations and signpost them to proper support. Again, a combination of kindness and honesty is always the best approach.
Written by Jasmine Khan
Jasmine Khan is a journalist, public speaker and mental health advocate. Having achieved a Masters in Global Ethics and Justice, she now hopes to use this knowledge to promote practical changes for social justice across the UK and beyond. Jasmine also runs bespoke mental health masterclasses, for inquiries please see @jazwritejazspeaks.