How To Swipe Right
It isn’t an uncommon observation that we as a culture have become very particular about how to date, who to date and how to maintain mutual connections. There has been an increase in rules and regulations, tips and tricks to secure positive dating experiences or ‘make’ someone fall for us. Be it our own precarious stream of consciousness - swooshing about ideas of who we think would be ‘perfect for us’ – Youtube coaches advising us on make her fall for you tips and make him commit to you tricks, or those outdated ideologies and or historical archetypes, society plummets us into a paradox of companionship or staying single.
I want and discuss the do’s of a dating method that 100 years ago would have been ridiculed, eye rolled upon and disbelieved. Dating apps and internet dating has undeniably become the ‘easier’ more accessible option. We now let our index fingers and thumbs decide our fate / next date. Sometimes we accidentally swipe who could be a great match back into cyber space.
A lot of us think we are ‘too busy,’ for dating, which is why apps are convenient. No time for such a thing. How else are we going to find the time to binge watch Killing Eve and scroll through media feeds, adding things to our basket on the wish app only to wait 4-6 weeks for their arrival? There just isn’t enough time.
We are not too busy; we are just becoming lazy. Take Tinder for example. Tinder has been described as the McDonalds for sex right? And how do you order your food at Maccers these days? That’s right, with your busy little swipey fingers.
And these apps have made us lazy in the sense that we now know how easy it is to get a date, or a hook up or a relationship. So, dating has become just a disposable as the gherkins you toss off from burger to bin. And that, my fast food fanatics, was not a euphemism.
Anyway, I hate to impose ‘rules’ so instead here are seven suggestions to put the fun and kindness back into dating. You don’t have to take on these suggestions but there is a much kinder way for tinderellas, bumble bees, hinge lingerers and plenty of fishers to avoid dating becoming as unlucky and disappointing as McDonalds monopoly. (I’ll stop with the McMetaphors now, I’m not sure why I keep using them.) My advice isn’t to help you find love by changing everything about your gorgeous self – it’s merely a strategy to help men and women bring more honesty and enjoyment into socialising.
How to swipe RIGHT!
1) First, decide what you are looking for, be real, be honest, be true to yourself. If you’re looking for something non-committal, no strings, then say you are from the beginning. Don’t be wasting time. If you are looking for something committed and long term, say from the beginning, don’t be wasting time. That being said, avoid assuming that everyone you match with is looking for the same thing as you.
2) My second suggestion? A picture paints a thousand words. Gentlemen, three selfies, a picture of you snuggling ya spaniel and a further of you with your finger in a fish’s mouth is selling yourself short. And ladies, selfies are great but so is wine: everything in moderation. Try to show more of you. Hinge is great because it gives you prompts for photos and stories to tell. A selfie is fine, but a picture of your favourite place, a piece of art you have created, an image of your favourite album is going to tell swipers more about you than a sepia filter.
3) Thirdly, create a bio and read other people’s. If you/they don’t have one? Why not? That’s like sending a CV off without any employment history. Or a wordless eulogy (corrr imagine that?). Show that you love yourself (I know it’s cringey but it’s so true that you must). I hear so many people say, ‘I’m not funny,’ ‘I’m not good with words,’ ‘I’m not *insert word here* enough.’ Of course, you are! You’ve been in relationships before, you’ve sustained long lasting friendships and bonds. If you immediately brush yourself as not something or not worthy of something, then you’ve told ya damn mind you’re not and it has created a little neuron narrative that now believes you are just that. Everyone is an expert in something, everyone has a passion for something and everyone in the world can offer something great.
4) In at number four is do try and steer away from easily misinterpreted and quite generic phrases. One I see A LOT - ‘looking for someone who doesn’t take life too seriously.’ Life can be a pretty serious affair sometimes, but we don’t all go around in a permanent state of sincerity.
Other phrases such as ‘no time wasters,’ and ‘honesty only’ imply to yourself and others that you only attract dishonest people that waste your time. Dating should not be a platform to discuss past experiences. Maybe that will come later if it has to but you don’t start a new job and talk about how awful or how great your last one was – you immerse yourself into the new experience. And anyway, nobody wastes anyone’s time. Every fleeting meeting, past relationship of 2 days or 2 months or 22 years is an experience that has got us where we are today and made us who we are. You’re still alive right? Well thank goodness for that one night stand, give thanks for that bloody good ghosting, send gratitude to the ex-boyfriend who shattered your heart into a million pieces so much so that you are still finding little bits in the carpet…but thanks to him YOU ARE STILL ALIVE ‘N KICKIN BABY HALLE-BLOODY-LUJAH!
Do list some interests but please prevent insinuating that you are only going to be interested in ‘outdoorsy, spontaneous, travel-types, dog lovers with a passion for cooking, rock climbing, techno music, philosophy, surfing and scrabble.’ Jheez we don’t ask for much do we? It throws potential connections off - meeting new people should bring new experiences, new hobbies and interests. And anyone that writes anything along the lines of 'if my dog doesn't like you, I won't' or 'I bet you can't make me love you as much as I love my dog' CAN GO AHEAD AND MARRY THEIR DOG.
5) When you match with someone, be brave with your conversation, avoid the bland three worded exchanges. Get straight to it honeys, stop wasting time and data. If they have a good bio, pictures that tell you something and you’re looking to date. Get dating! That’s when you really get to know someone. Save generic responses and arduous admin for your outlook inbox at work. Plus, if you get too into a textathon that then becomes the norm. And when they can’t keep up the text thread after you’ve been hanging out for a while, you start to doubt and question things because before you were sending each other a thesis each time you interacted.
6) Limit yourself. I don’t just mean your time on it although we don’t want dating apps to become like the other apps we use - scrolling aimlessly, liking auto-pilot-ly and auto-polite-ly for that matter. You can set up little time restrictions now on your device for apps. Swiping is addictive, and our brains release chemicals when we get a message or a like. Digital instant gratification is unhealthy. Let's take it back to the real thing. But also limit connections, have three at the most that you are determining date worthy. It becomes too much admin otherwise and then you end up ignoring each other and that’s always going to make someone, somewhere feel inadequate.
7) If someone likes you that you are not attracted to, send them love and good vibes. (I really don’t want to use the term good vibes but it’s the only phrase I can use without saying positive feels which is just as flinchy). Either whisper to yourself or internalise a ‘thanks for the like Steven, I appreciate it, but I am not attracted to you, I hope you find your match soon.’ It’s just sending out a bit of kindness and gratitude out into a world that needs it most. We are not better than anyone and until we realise that and begin noticing our judgemental and superficial behaviours, dating will be a shit storm. And hey, who says you can't be friends? The more men and women befriend each other the more they learn about one another, right?
Dating should be fun and if it isn’t then you are doing it wrong. When men and women start to bring awareness to their actions, they can begin to make better choices. We as a collective have corrupted something that should be natural and enjoyable. So, self-love first, remove the expectations, have fun and get busy with those fingers! Wait...not those ones, I mean yes, those fingers but you know with your touch screens I mean. Stop it.
Written by Chelsea Branch
Chelsea is a 29 year old living in Bristol, UK. Her blog has over 15,000 hits and she has recently began publishing its content on Instagram under @morewritinglessswiping. Chelsea writes about all things love, life and relationships, exploring the satirical side of dating with the aim to help men and women have more honest conversations and out the fun back in to dating. She is currently writing her book ‘We need to talk,’ which she aims to self-publish in 2021.