Make It Hurt: The Painful Truth About Sexual Taboo.
Sexual fantasies are something that every human can experience and is a completely human and normal thought - no matter how strange the fantasy. The truth is that across all ages, genders and sexual orientations most fantasies are similar - even those considered taboo.
As showcased in the limited Netflix series Sex, Explained, there are three genres of sexual fantasy - namely, Group Sex, Novelty Sex and Power and Control.
The one genre that still seems to be relatively ‘taboo’ is that of power and control - more so if you go into the extremes, of which I’m talking about kidnap and pain play. The question I’m asking is: is it problematic to fantasize and/or act on these desires? Or is it normal to have these fantasies and dabble in the dark side of taboo sex?
Settle in folks, it’s about to get kinky up in here.
Kidnap and/or pain play tends to fall under the scope of BDSM (for those who aren’t up to date with their kink vocab - and there will be a test - this stands for Bondage, Discipline and Sado-Masochism) which leans into the realm of renouncing power to your sexual partner, giving or enduring pain and/or humiliation.
As the Netflix special phrases it ‘(BDSM) helped people cope with their anxieties around sex, by getting them out of their heads, which is still a part of the appeal of BDSM today.’
Kidnap fantasies were blasted into mainstream media with the critically acclaimed release of the erotic romance movie 365 dni on Netflix. Showcasing a woman kidnapped from her everyday life by a harsh and all ruling mafia man who is as forceful in his sexual escapades as he is in everyday life - who has a year (or three hundred and sixty five days if the title didn’t give that away) to make said woman fall in love with him.
Like Sex, Explained well - explains, In movies, television and literature (commonly written by women) throughout history we often see the story of a woman who is forced into a sexual situation who then falls for her abuser. Examples include Daenerys Targaryen and Khal Drogo in Game of Thrones, The 1919 novel The Sheik which was made into a movie ahead of its success. More knowingly is the book and movie series Fifty Shades of Grey which brought BDSM relationships into the modern media in 2011. I remember this book being passed around nearly everyone I knew and discussions of rough sex and BDSM flying through my sixth form corridors and local pub.
But this book is strong with its discussion on consent - an entire section is written about a meeting detailing an exact contract between the romantic pair on their limits when engaging in play which is a redeeming quality for the plot. I think it is fair to say that fantasies can be an extension on modern culture which is why kidnap and pain fantasies would be discussed more after being shown so much in so many different form of media as it has been for years.
The element of kidnap and pain play that causes its name in the book of ‘taboo fetishes and fantasies’ (which I would so read) is the idea of consent being taken away and an addition of violent behaviour between the two that gives it an element of danger.
These fantasies would be considered titillating and exciting because it’s not an everyday occurrence and it plays at something forbidden. In a study done in the US by sex researcher Justin Lehmiller’s (as highlighted in the Netflix special), 54% of men, 61% of women and 68% of non-binary people admitted to having fantasies of being in a forced sexual encounter.
Many people believe these fantasies in most people stem from being in stressful lives or high power positions who want to relinquish that power and give control up to another person or persons. If done safely, the submissive person would really be the one in control as through open communication, constant affirmations and or code words the submissive partner would call the shots on the play and whether it would continue or stop at any given moment.
So why kidnap?
Fantasies surrounding this are usually about - as previously mentioned - relinquishing control completely, freeing your mind of any anxieties or stress and focusing purely on what is happening in that moment. Couple that with the anticipation of the next move and the forced pleasure and you have yourself a tantalizing fantasy that could keep you going for months. And no, I don’t mean physically because I don’t think anyone has the patience or stamina for that but mentally your cogs will be turning… I don’t know what that means either but you get the picture.
Watching scenes like this in movies or porn will shape exactly how you fantasise, you may come across new themes and acts that you won’t have seen before and this may affect what turns you on and what you fantasise about.
And of course nowhere does it say that what you fantasise about shapes who you are as a person, and they do not speak to your personality - it is just simply a fantasy that has popped up in your head. And as Lehmiller’s study shows - while 79% of people in the study want to try out their fantasies, only 23% actually have.
Now what would make these fantasies problematic is if you decided to partake in them with a stranger or with someone you only kind of sorta know.
NO. PUT YOUR PJ’S ON AND SIT BACK DOWN.
This would be so dangerous and so risky, and completely goes against what BDSM is all about. These scenes and roleplay scenarios are about one thing and one thing only. Trust.
(Cue Spongebob rainbow hands meme.)
These scenes, while exhilarating and adventurous, have to have constant understanding and communication between those involved that everything is consensual and controlled - even when it seems like that isn’t the case. It needs to be a controlled danger where those involved are still safe and trust each other one hundred percent. It’s about setting boundaries based on the physical and psychological limits of those involved and laying this all out before the play would take place.
Anything outside of this is a risk and is not recommended.
Sexual fantasies when acted out should be pleasurable for both parties so that everyone is left satisfied (wink wink) with whatever outcome is desired.
Sex should be fun - not stressful.
By that standard - no, Kidnap fantasies and pain play is not problematic. This is on the basis that it is done safely, with consent and ‘outs’ on the chance that play needs to end. Knowing that your partner likes the use of hot wax but doesn’t like whips or chains is what makes role-play or acting out fantasies fun - because you know what lines not to cross. Exploring fantasies can be exhilarating and the most fun you could have in the bedroom - but you’ve got to do it right!
This style of sexual play has been around for hundreds of years, and is a completely normal thing to feel - the next time you’re sat in a room full of people (one day!) remember that they’ve all had sexual fantasies too! … Just don’t do it around the table at Christmas - that would be weird!
Written by Hannah Stait
Hannah is a writer from South Wales. She has her Bachelor's degree from Cardiff University in English Literature and Creative Writing. She is an advocate for animal rights, mental health and sexual well being and writes poetry and short stories in her spare time. She performs in a local theatre group in her hometown also. Her socials are @hannahisfragile