Post Menopause – When Does It End?
I sat down opposite the doctor at Exeter Fertility clinic. He was a warm, kindly looking doctor: white hair and beard with skin that was quite pink in colour. I relaxed easily as I sat down, feeling comfortable in his presence; I turned and smiled at my husband sat next to me - we were finally doing it.
“I am afraid its not good news Mrs Heggadon, your Follicle Stimulating Hormone levels are elevated, which means you are peri-menopausal”. I sat silently, staring at him, my hand suddenly held by my husbands. It hadn’t hit home yet. I felt my hand get squeezed again, as my brain found words.
‘What do you mean, I am peri menopausal - you could set your clock by the regularity of my periods, we must retest it!’ He looked at me sympathetically, explaining that this this WAS the retest; my GP had already sent results over from a previous test. Then came the kicker, “Mrs Heggadon, this means that IVF is extremely unlikely to work for you with your own eggs, although you may want to consider donor eggs…”
I heard nothing further, just my heart pounding, I think at one point even the room disappeared; there was just me and my heartbeat, boom… boom… boom… echoing in my ears. I was 38 years old, I had just had thoracic spinal surgery 12 months prior, which had delayed our house move from Warwickshire to Devon, delayed the wedding (which was now planned for the coming September), and delayed us having ‘this conversation’. It wasn’t supposed to happen like this, I felt a sense of injustice rising inside me.
At the time of the appointment at the fertility clinic, I felt I had no symptoms of the menopause. My periods were regular; I wasn’t having any hot flashes or night sweats. Although I was experiencing a little breast tenderness and my emotions were quick to change, I hadn’t associated this with the menopause at the time.
After about 18 months, I started to get symptoms: I would miss a month of my period, then a small one would come, then miss a month, and a then have a big one. This went on for about a year - then other symptoms appeared.
I remember one day standing in the kitchen, my husband kindly cooking us a nice meal, and then suddenly it hit me. I was angry with a rage which gave no warning of its arrival or its exit; I was hot, too hot, and most definitely ‘bothered’.
Desperate to cool off during these moments, I would stand next to the fridge with the door open and let the cool air wash over me.
Since that day in the fertility clinic back in early 2010, I have had two failed attempts at IVF with egg donors, (the waiting list for the first one ended up taking about 4.5 years, the latter with an embryo left over from the first try), attended 18 funerals (losing my mother and father-in-law between the two rounds of IVF), lost our dog, been diagnosed with arthritis and gained 30lbs. I am now considered post-menopausal. What does that mean exactly?
Post menopause is generally believed to be 12-36 months after your last period, and when signs and symptoms of the menopause should ‘lessen’, hot flushes stop, and emotions stabilise… apparently.
When I spotted the neighbour’s cat taking a crap in the garden, again, and took note of my surging disproportionate response, I realised that, perhaps, I was not quite out of the woods yet. “Some women may experience symptoms of the menopause for much longer” literature says.
The main menopausal symptoms that I have suffered with have been: unstable moods, crying easily, responding to upsets too quickly, hot flashes, night sweats, tender breasts, an intolerance to foreplay and irregular periods. The most troublesome symptom for me, and for many of the ladies I have since spoken to, have been the hot flashes and night sweats. Although the people around us may argue that the unstable moods are the most troubling symptom!
For the first year, I foolishly thought, ‘hey, that was not so bad, I made it through the other side’. HA! The hubris of youth! A little while longer, and BANG! It felt as if someone had turned up the heat again - physically and emotionally. Each IVF treatment would cause a post treatment bleed, and with it, the menopause started all over again.
It has been a couple of years since my last IVF treatment, and as some of the symptoms have returned, I decided to speak to the doctor about HRT. When I was on the IVF drugs for the second round, I did feel more emotionally stable and had fewer flushes, so reasoned that maybe the hormones that they gave me were helping.
However, after the GP protected their budget by scaring 7 shades of day out of me with their list of possible side effects, I decided, initially at least, to try and manage the symptoms more holistically.
The following changes to my lifestyle have helped to some degree:
Meditation – either using an app or focusing on my breathing
Fresh air – I try and get outside more, sit in the garden or take a walk
Exercise – I have been using online resources from my local gym during lock down, which has led to be losing about 10lbs. This has improved my mood no end.
Nutrition – Initially I focused on adding things in before removing them, like extra fruit and veg, then eating less sugar, less processed food and alcohol.
Sleep – I still have issues with the night sweats (and arthritic pain). If anything drives me to HRT, it will be to stop the night sweats so I can sleep.
Working with a wellness coach and a life coach has also been extremely helpful.
Whilst I have made excellent progress with self-care, it is not easy during a hot flush induced mood swing to stop and take a breath or meditate, especially when all you want to do it scream or throw something at the neighbour’s cat. However, I have found that by consistently trying to achieve a balance in life, using the tools mentioned above, I am starting to feel more in control.
The menopause is a rite of passage, just like our first period. Thankfully, many of us these days are educated well enough to not respond like Stephen King’s Carrie during those early days of menstruation. We just need to figure out what kind of protection we need and any lifestyle tweaks necessary to make it during ‘the time of the month’.
This is exactly how we should manage the menopause, by educating ourselves, finding out what works for our bodies, and making some tweaks to our lifestyles to best manage it. I have not made a final decision on the HRT yet - I am just trying alternatives first.
For the men out there, I do not recommend buying the women in your life a book on menopause: it was a difficult conversation for my husband to have at A&E.
Now, where is that cat…
Written by Helen Heggadon
I am Age 49 (and ¾, too close to the big 5 0) and I live in Devon with my husband. I work as a Customer Care Advisor in a call centre for a large telecoms company, and as a Project Manager - ad hoc hours for a friend who is developing a wellness service. I am a member of Toastmasters International (public speaking group) in my spare time, through which I have participated in club and area contests, and helped run a workshop on public speaking to the Tilney Group. When I was younger, I wrote poetry more as a means of communication than anything else. I have never had any proper training for poetry, or any other kind of writing - aside from what you get in high school. I love writing, reading, and getting to know people. I have lived a varied life with many different experiences. I hope I can express them well enough here to be interesting, funny, or enlightening.