On Diabetes & The Issue of 'Staying Positive'
Thursday 19th April – a big day? For me, yes. For the majority of the general public it was just another day in lockdown. Perhaps some people spent their morning with Joe Wicks at 9am whilst others were lazing in; someone, somewhere, was bound to be having the morning from hell, whilst another was having the best of their life. Me? I was staring at my phone on my fourth cup of coffee. Reading another positivity post.
In fact, I was so busy trying to be positive that I had forgotten what day it was entirely. A day I had been waiting for which seemed like forever. It was my 6-month ‘Diaversary’. Now, for the most of you that are reading, you’ll be thinking what the hell is that? Well folks, it’s the anniversary of when I was a diagnosed as a Type 1 Diabetic. It was the day my world was turned upside down and set on fire. The irony of it all was that I was diagnosed on World Diabetes Day. Now, six months later, I sit in my study and I am so grateful to still be here. If I hadn’t have got to the hospital when I did, I may not have been writing this now - but I digress. This is a story about how positivity can slowly become the source of your anguish.
I remember the first day of being able to sit up in the resuscitation room; the whirring, churring sounds and the smell of clinical hygiene. I couldn’t move for needles, but my mum was there, still smiling. Her fringe was stuck to her forehead and she looked as if she’d been sleeping. Her first words to me were:
“Everything is going to be fine; you’ve got to stay positive.”
I agreed with her, I was alive right! I was here, I was fighting back, I knew what was wrong with me now and I could move on with my life. I could be positive, right? Right? The Diabetes specialist nurse came down to see me after my mum left.
“I’ve got some things here for you to read, love, some information on Type1 Diabetes and what will happen next. You’re going to be fine though, love, you’ve just got to stay positive.”
I smiled and agreed with her. I nodded my head. I took the leaflets. I said yes to staying positive. Then the consultant came down to speak to me and confirm very officially;
“Yes, you definitely have Type1 Diabetes, you are over the worst of it now, you just need to stay positive.”
I smiled and agreed with him. Yes, I just need to stay positive. I realised not long after that nearly all the people I saw and spoke to after being moved onto the ward and when I came home, the conversation always ended the same: you just need to stay positive.
Now I believe we have a positivity problem within our culture; if you’re not chipper and ready to burst into applause or tackle the day with a positive outlook, you can be looked down upon as not making the effort or, quite simply, like you don’t give a shit - both of which are absolutely fine, by the way. I spend most mornings lately mumbling, “shit, shit, shit” as I’ve missed my morning alarm for my basal insulin and I’m scrambling over the animals to get to the coffeepot – animals who apparently do not realise that no caffeine for mammy, means no food for kitties. Positivity for me has become a hollow word, an action rather than a feeling, and that just doesn’t sit well with me.
It seems like being positive now means that you need to be happy all the time. That you need to be able to shrug off your worries and not care about the looming deadlines or stressful job that you hate. Being positive now means forcing rays of sunshine out of your mouth whilst you’re actually choking on your own tongue because of social anxiety. There’s another example I’m also thinking of, and that’s the great blooming pandemic that has unfolded all over the world. The whole world is on pause and yet we are still being told that we need to have a stiff upper lip and not worry. If we do as we are told and stay positive, that it will be okay. However, a lot of the time it isn’t okay, for many of us, the struggle to stay positive becomes the very thing which weighs us down .
As a Type 1 Diabetic, my life is now filled with a million more decisions to ensure that I look after myself properly, and I’m not saying that makes it harder for me – no, I think it makes it easier. I have a schedule now that I have to follow to keep myself alive and I’m still learning every day, after all it has only been six months. For the most part I imagine people are at a loss for things to do and are lonely or living in a situation that they’d rather not and then the weight of being positive on top of all of that must be absolutely crushing. I know it is for me with my schedule because I’m not just my diabetes. I’m a student, carer, partner, friend, animal mother. I have a life whose needs are more than just being positive and I know that must be true for so many within the population.
The one thing that my diagnosis has taught me has been to embrace the sadness and learn from how it makes me feel and that, in turn, affects the things I do. I think this is an important part of finding the original meaning of hope. Finding that small part of light that still burns brightly, even when you are feeling truly extinguished. That is true positivity for me. I have cried an awful lot over the last six months and sometimes I have really felt that it’s all too much to manage. Some days I wake up and wish I didn’t have diabetes, but I know that isn’t how it works.
It is through this though that I have been able to find the small victories in things and truly believe that these will be the things which bring you true happiness. You got your kids to eat their toast? Yes! You managed to use Zoom for the first time? Awesome! Take pride in the small things that make you happy, that is positive. I have driven myself mad trying to find the good in everything that I do, trying to make every day a perfect day. Trying to keep my body and mind in sync, but I know that this isn’t always possible and I try not to lose any sleep over it.
I think what I’m trying to say is that you don’t have to be positive to be happy, and finding the happiness in the smaller victories is just as good as being able to recite positive mantras.
Stay you, be happy.
Written by Melanie Smith
Melanie Smith is a writer from Ebbw Vale, South Wales. She is currently writing a novel inspired by Welsh folklore and studies at the University of South Wales.