The Red Flag of Resentment and How to Respect It
Not everyone likes writing (or even reading) about the darker side of who we are and what we experience.
But I’ve found out the hard way.
It’s only through accepting and engaging with all the outright rage, anger, grief, sadness, disappointments or resentments that surface in our lives that it becomes truly possible to experience the depths of joy too.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying I didn’t experience joy whilst I was busy denying, ignoring or trying to eat my body weight in food to get rid of those other ‘bad’ feelings.
No.
It’s just that through the process of recognising these shadow parts, seeing them, understanding them and getting to know them safely, (for me, that was in therapy and coaching relationships) before fully engaging with them, I was able to accept them as part of the whole person that I am becoming now.
Integrating these parts (and not criticising them, either) has meant that I now have more energy available for joy in my life, because that energy is no longer busy over-working, syphoning-off the ‘bad’ into an imaginary tank of suppression, deep underground.
And the upside is, when these ‘bad’ feelings do appear in my life now, I recognise them. I know their characters. And perhaps more importantly, I also know why they might have showed up. I recognise what thinking or behaviours in either me or others may have triggered their arrival, magically appearing like a puff of smoke from the tap of a magician’s wand.
Then I have ability to process the feelings arising. To become even more aware of something new or a changing and emerging part of myself, my relationship or with the person who triggered this.
And then, of course, the freedom to choose how I want to respond in that moment – either privately, on the inside or with that person or situation, on the outside.
These parts of us deserve just as much respect and attention as happiness, love and joy.
Just because these feelings don’t feel good, it doesn’t mean they shouldn’t have a place at the table and be able to eat.
These parts belong to us. They are part of us. And when we starve them, they get hungry, until eventually, they either get very sick or they demand the food they deserve – either overtly or covertly.
Another danger of not getting to know the parts is that we start to see them outside of ourselves – and in others instead. That’s when we point the finger. ‘She’s always so angry’. He’s completely full of resentment’. They’re always so miserable [fill in your own blank].
So why do we often find it so difficult to own – or even acknowledge – our shadow-self?
Well, if these parts of us were not welcomed by others during our early years (and let’s face it, how many families or systems actually welcome this stuff?) Or if – perhaps more dangerously – we were ridiculed, silenced or shamed when we expressed anger, resentment, sadness or grief as children, then we quickly learnt to stuff them away. Send them packing. Bury them deep.
Perhaps it’s no surprise then, that as adults we keep suppressing, denying or demanding that they go away.
Silencing painful feelings in favour of a happy-clappy, keep-the-peace kinda-life, always catches up with us in the end if we’re truly wanting to live an authentic life.
Over time – and often without fully realising it – we can become bitter, lonely, deeply judgemental or perhaps carry a mildly irritated posture into all our relationships and activities, tarnishing them, the situation or ourselves with whichever flavour of unprocessed feeling we’re excreting that day.
When we ditch our inner-bi*ch without getting to know her first, we’re neglecting her. Denying her existence. And she feels it. Everybody knows that nobody likes being denied, neglected or ignored.
No matter how hard you try to keep pushing her away, she’ll keep popping up in your life. Sometimes passively. Or silently through ‘accidental’ behaviour. Creeping up behind you. Spontaneously scaring you or a friend with her venom, before your overwhelming desire for staying ‘nice’ kicks-in and you throw her back under the bus with great gusto.
Yet, until you can greet her with open arms, ask her why she’s visiting, feed her, laugh together and have a little fun, she’s much more likely to drop-in unannounced when she’s simply not welcomed. Or lie in wait before disturbing your karma like a shadowy ghost waking you time and time again in the middle of the night, vying for your attention.
Understand that neglect’s not nice but neither is nasty.
Most kinds of neglect happen unconsciously because they are familiar energy patterns which feel comfortable to us. Think about it. We don’t usually try to neglect something – or someone. It just happens. That’s part of the fundamental definition of neglect: ‘to leave undone, to disregard, pay little attention to, to be remiss in the care of treatment of’.
If we’ve spent a lifetime keeping an emotional part of ourselves silenced, deserted or abandoned for unconscious reasons, such as a ‘quiet life’ or to please others, then it’s completely understandable that we either don’t know how to welcome that part when it arrives or perhaps feel afraid to.
Deserting or trying hard to get rid of feelings so they don’t bother us or threaten to harm us (or anyone else) is completely understandable.
However, when we take time to get to know these valuable parts and the role they play in our growth toward becoming whole, we can consciously choose how we want to respond to given situations and scenarios in our lives, instead of being left without a voice or a choice.
When we’re trying to get that part (or any part of us) to be quiet, behave, conform, fit in or do as its told, it either goes underground (for a while or a long time) or rebels (again, for a while or a long time) until it gets the appropriate attention it deserves – which is its rightful place in our life and pscyhe.
By allowing these parts to be present in our awareness – and by making friends with them – we transform them (and ourselves) into a greater force for good.
Deciding to live an authentic life is no mean feat.
Yet if we pretend that we’re always sweetness and light, rainbows and flowers or sunshine and song, while denying our more challenging feelings and identity, life will eventually throw a big, fat reminder in our face to wake us up from such fairy-tale living.
We don’t have to behave nastily by acting these parts out in unhealthy or unkind ways. On the contrary. It’s when we own these parts of us on the inside, respect them and engage with them as if they were a friend bringing a gift (because they are) that we are far more likely not to act them out when a huge, red flag starts flapping furiously on our path.
So, how might you do this in practice?
Well, the next time you notice resentment surfacing in your life, explore these five areas.
1. Allow the feelings to be present. Feel the energy and respect for how you feel. Notice the character of your resentment. How does it look? Any shape, colour? What images are present? Take it all in, in your imagination.
2. Ask Resentment what happened? Why are you here? Who or what has triggered its arrival? Remember, our old, childhood wounds repeat themselves in adult life. We learnt how to relate to others at a very young age, so un-learning some of this stuff can take time! Be patient with yourself.
3. Wait for your inner-response. Often, we feel resentment when we:
1. Have given too much of ourselves (and perhaps not enough to ourselves)
2. Have (unspoken) expectations of others and feel disappointed when they don’t respond as we wish they had
3. Repeatedly engage in hurtful or harmful relationships and situations yet still expect a different and more positive outcome each time
4. How has this become an unhelpful, repeating pattern in my life? How can I love this wounded part of me more; be kind to this part? What changes to my thinking and/or behaviour would help this part of me now? What healthy ‘food’ does my resentment part need to heal? And what do I imagine might happen if I start or stop doing x, y or z today?
5. Write down anything that comes to you. Or paint it, draw it, sing or dance it out! Notice what’s new. Practice one small, kind change toward yourself at a time.
Know this. The most important thing you’re doing here is in Step 1 (above). You’re noticing, acknowledging and engaging with this part of you.
You’re giving it your attention. You’re giving YOU your attention.
The exploratory stages can easily follow once you notice and accept that your resentment exists.
And don’t underestimate the value of speaking with a trusted friend, a therapist or a coach as you uncover these parts of yourself and begin to make changes.
It can be tricky to navigate this stuff alone, and scary too, if we’ve spent a long time ignoring, negating or berating these parts of ourselves. Or, when we’ve become heavily invested in other people’s happiness ahead of our own.
But, Your Authentic Life Matters
And the more you grow, the more you help others to grow, too – whether they see it or not, whether they own it or not. And whether they feel it or not.
It’s happening. All around.
Have fun with this as you hold yourself – and everything that arises – lightly. And if you’d like to share any of those insights, I’d love to hear them.
Written by Sarah Thayer
Slow Coach Sarah works as a Transformational Coach helping individuals and organisations to live more authentically in life, at work and in all their relationships.
So many people confront life’s changes and challenges alone every day. Slow Coach Sarah’s approach provides a safe space for you to explore your hopes and dreams for the future as well as whatever you’re going through now. You'll gain greater emotional clarity and confidence about who you are, where you’re heading and how you'd like to live. To find out more about The Snail & The Butterfly, download the free Manifesto here.