'Tis the Season? — The Everyday

Christmas this year is going to be different, there’s no doubt about it. At the time of writing, the rules around what we can and can’t do haven’t been revealed yet, but whatever they are - this year will be pretty extraordinary, in that there are ‘Christmas rules’ in the first place.

For many, this will be a real blow. It’s a time when people traditionally come together to celebrate, consume lots of delicious food and drinks and give presents. Each year the build up is the same; shops start to play Christmas songs in the aisles from about mid-November, yuletide adverts start to appear with swooping strings and heartfelt stories. Before you know it, we’re swimming about in mistletoe and wine, trying to untangle the Chrstimas tree lights, whilst clutching a list as long as your arm of things to do and buy. There are also the parties, secret santas and pre-Christmas catch-ups. It’s a heady sparkle-dusted mix and one that so many people love and look forward to. It’s the time of year when we can all just let go a bit and embrace the season to be jolly.

But, for many people, this sort of Christmas just doesn’t work. The intense build up doesn’t fill them with excitement, it makes them feel lots of other things. A response might be to think that they’re scrooges. This time of year is polarising - if you’re not buzzing about Christmas like everyone else, then it must mean you're a scrooge. You’re not. Many people have their own reasons why the atypical festive routine is not something they take part in. They find ways to do it their own way, during a time when everyone else is singing the same festive tune.

“Lockdown isn’t going to change Christmas much. I spend it with my nine-year-old daughter and 12-year-old son and it’s really really quiet”. Kerry made a decision a few years ago to stop trying to do the things you’re ‘meant’ to do, and instead do what worked best for her family. Kerry’s son has autism and the traditional rituals were distressing for him from an early age. “When my son was younger, he massively struggled with Christmas. He couldn’t grasp the difference between stress and excitement.” Children’s enjoyment sits at the core of pretty much all the marketing campaigns at this time of year, and you’d be hard pushed to find a yuletide film that doesn’t have children’s joy taking centre stage. But this just isn’t the case for all families - “When they were young I used to try and drag them around to relatives’ houses, chuck loads of presents at them, and my son would end up getting stressed and upset. He would say he hated Christmas and hated Santa. So I decided that Christmas would be very very chilled from then on, making it a relaxed sensory experience. We just hang out together.”

Kerry isn’t the only one who seeks out some peace and quiet during the hectic Christmas period. Laurie, more often than not books a flight somewhere, ideally somewhere that doesn’t celebrate it. “If I can afford it I will go somewhere hot, and with someone else who doesn’t want to spend it with their family. You’d be surprised at how many don’t.” Ah, family. That’s the other thing about Christmas isn’t it. We’re all meant to spend lots of time with our families, pulling crackers at the dinner table, smiling (a lot) and playing games. But, what if your family set-up isn't that joy-filled or easy-going or straightforward? Each year Laurie has to have that phone conversation with her family back in Canada, to let them know that again, she won’t be joining them. Guilt trips then ensue, which is something Kerry can relate to too, who has experienced a lot of emotional blackmail from family members at Christmas time.

But who says you can’t create your own family at this time of year? A family where the prospect of spending loads of time with them, is something you can really look forward to. Laurie does, “If I stay in London then I spend it with my friends. Most of my friends are queer and we’ve all sort of set up our own family network. We’d rather spend time with each other than with our families who stress us out.”

From talking to Laurie and Kerry it becomes clear that both of them feel a lot of pressure around this time of year. “There is so much pressure to do the ‘right’ thing” says Laurie, “I’m a sociable person but there’s a pressure to socialise in a particular way in the lead up to Christmas. Meeting up with someone becomes a ‘pre-Christmas’ meet-up. I also don’t like the present-giving aspect, I like to give presents, but when I feel moved to, not when I have to.” Kerry feels it too, “I feel pressure from the media and Facebook is really bad. I feel sometimes (less so these days) like I’m failing my kids…” But do her kids feel that? When she asked her daughter what her perfect Christmas day would look like, she replied “Lots of cuddles, watching films and eating sweets all day.” Expectations can come from lots of places, but in Kerry’s case, it certainly isn’t coming from the people that matter the most.

The thing about pressure is that you can either buckle under it, or you can push against it, and that’s exactly what Kerry and Laurie are doing. They’re making a choice to go against the grain and make Christmas exactly what they need it to be. This year Laurie isn’t sure where she’ll be, in the past she’s spent it just with her partner-at-the-time, another year it’s been at a close friend’s house. “I have very low expectations of Christmas and most of the time it’s about where I can have the most fun.” But fun on her own terms. For Kerry, “The lead up to Christmas for me is stress free. I buy nice food that I know we’ll all enjoy (not turkey). I do my shopping the week before Christmas day, not weeks in advance. It gives me and my kids a chance to just slow down and relax and nest.”