To My Parents: Being Poor is Not Shameful
Being poor is the challenge in and of itself, it does NOT require further punishment in the form of shame.
Your ability to coexist with those with money is a skill. Your ability to hide the lack of financial stability is a skill - but one you shouldn’t have had to develop.
When were you last genuine? When did you last admit to yourself those feelings of inadequacy? A cauldron of mixed emotions triggered by money and those with it, only to be compounded by deep sadness, anger, distrust, desperation, expectation… denial.
You may distance yourself from your childhood, as though it were a past life; know that your existence is splintered across two realms - two lifetimes. One of that poor child and then of the person you tried to be.
With rich friends there are no benefits in doing activities we can’t afford. Pretending we have money to get things we don’t need is not a priority. Hand-me-downs are acceptable and preferable if it curbs some financial stress later on. It is not that important. I promise.
Patching up old things rather than giving up and throwing them away isn’t always the right answer for our shabby or cheap furnishings. When people ask us where we get our clothes, not telling them where “because we didn’t want them to copy us” is a lie, really you are ashamed. That is sad. That is tiring. Acknowledging that is okay.
Why wouldn’t you ever acknowledge “we just don’t have money for that”?
Forcing the trappings and activities of a lifestyle we can’t afford does not benefit anyone in the long run. “Looking presentable” is overrated, being “rich presenting”* has been a challenge and a curse in the social world. Faking the accent may have gotten me that job many years ago but it doesn’t represent who I am.
You can find people who respect you and your background
You can find others in similar situations if you are willing to be honest
Family-wide dysfunctional views on money are intergenerational and it’s not easy to end that cycle, but I hope writing this letter will make you see that it can and will cease to be a cycle for OUR family one day.