Validate Me! Please?
It’s well known now, that in most parts of the world, our purpose in life has shifted. We no longer just hope to survive but to thrive in life; to do well and make sure that the time we were granted with was worthwhile. To do that, you work for it. You find out what you want, focus on it, work hard for it and if you have that drive and passion to earn it, you will. This cycle is something I’ve grown up with, starting off from swimming badges, playing the recorder in assembly for the first time to passing my driving test and gaining qualifications. My parents, teachers, friends and the society I live in has ingrained it into me- a desire to achieve things, which of course, I am thankful for, it has got me to where I am today.
Unfortunately though for me, you, us, them, the desire to achieve is insatiable. It doesn’t matter how many times we focus, work hard and achieve, we’ve been programmed to want to do it all over again. So, if you think about it, does that achievement then lose its value? Once the initial celebratory phase has gone, does our desire to move onto the next thing diminish the value of our previous achievements? Possibly yes. However, I don't think that this desire to progress was always a “want”, I think it started as a “must”...
Take the education system for example, when the dreaded time of the GCSE exams came about, we thought they were the most important moments of our lives. Our whole energy went into these exams; the endless days of revision, motivational speeches from parents and teachers, mock test after mock test. On good days it would be A’s and B’s and life would be great. On bad days, it would be C’s and D’s and you’d have a melt-down. The tears would flow, the revision would increase, everything went into them. Then came along results day. Eager parents and teachers lingering by the table of brown envelopes, the radio announcing the importance of the day for all to hear and on that piece of paper was the final judgement. At the time, it was the biggest validation for our achievements, it all seemed so worth it. But for most people, GCSE’s then just became a stepping stone, they slowly lost their importance as we were told to refocus ready for the process to start again. That's right, I’m talking about A-Levels, then it went on to
University, 1st year to 2nd year to the dreaded 3rd year. Plus all of the other opportunities and experiences you commit to during that time; a part-time job, society committee member, work experience.I fully vouch for what I gained during University, I did the most amazing things and met the most amazing people and my gosh, I am so proud of my degree but no matter how proud or fulfilled I felt on graduation day, I can't help thinking what now? What’s next on the agenda?
That very question just sums it up and it’s been on my mind for a while now. I was very lucky that after graduating, the stereotypical life plan fell into place for me; graduating, getting a job, getting a flat, getting a fella but despite all of this, I do still feel slightly lost as to where to put my energy next. I tried the house decorating thing, but when your living room starts looking like a display room from IKEA, it’s clear that interior design is not your forte. I also tried getting into the gym and getting super fit but then pizza. Not just pizza, wine, chocolate and of course the influence of my friends who not only encourage me to treat myself now and again but justify that I should treat myself every day. Having a bad day? Wine. Having a good day? Wine. As you can imagine, it was a really difficult cycle to get out of... Seriously though, *she puts the wine glass down*, it does feel like there is just an endless cycle of craving.
The validation of an exam certificate, or a celebratory outing, a well done from someone you view as superior, although I may get a few likes on my instagram post about my cute gallery wall, it isn’t quite enough to fill the void. I clearly need validation from someone or something in my life.
Without even realising, I then started on a new project, in fact, I don’t even know when I started it, I just remember looking at one of my Pinterest boards the other day with pure shock and shameful laughter. Without even knowing it, I had planned out my entire wedding. Flowers, colour schemes, venues, wedding dresses galore- it must have been all the binge watching of ‘Say Yes to The Dress.’ This craving for a project, to achieve the next step, had started without me even realising. My idea of a wedding is romance, love and a day to fully appreciate not only one another but the people you hold dear in your life. So clearly I forgot the marriage part. The purpose of a wedding is not just a day, it’s the first day of a lifelong commitment to somebody else. Somehow I managed to overlook its very purpose. Yes I could just be a hopeless romantic but more likely so, I’ve convinced myself that marriage is the next stage for me because of societal norms. Marriage has become a goal in life so naturally at a stage where I am feeling lost, without clear-cut guidance as to what to do next, I am not shocked that I have accepted this as the next chapter. I have been seeking guidance, structure and validation that I am living my life “correctly” so I understand why I turned to the footsteps of others, the stereotyped routine we all know well.
If I was writing a political piece, this would be the part where I would suggest that the system has indoctrinated us into a ritualistic way of life, where true autonomy has been lost or for that matter, did it ever truly exist? But alas, I want to come back to this same question, am I craving the next achievement, any step forward that badly, that I have become disillusioned and convinced myself that what I needed in my life was a marriage? Guilty. Who is to blame for the creation and encouragement of insatiability? My parents who want me to live the best life I can? My University who have targets to hit and alumni to proudly to hang up on their walls? Is it my friends who are off buying houses, earning lots of money or doing more qualifications? Is it the poison of capitalism affecting every aspect of society...sorry, slipped back into the political again.
The truth is, it’s everything, it’s the world we live in now. If you are sitting there empathising or reflecting, yes, it is incredibly irritating that this is how we may view life but this infectious way of living is what brings us success. It moves us forward and makes us the people we are. Like I said at the beginning, I wouldn’t be where I am without it and the people I had around me and I’m excited for the next steps. However, during this entire realisation, actually, I am rather happy to wait. I am going to embrace living life in the slow lane for a bit, I’m going to try and appreciate what I have right now rather than speed into bad decisions- let’s see how long that lasts. I’ve brought back out my 6 minute reflection diary so I can start appreciating the smaller, everyday things. I’m going to enjoy the days of binge watching TV and not feel guilty or feel like I have wasted a day. I am not going to endlessly scroll through social media keeping tabs on the “progress” of people I follow, I want to no longer care if someone else has got a mortgage, or done their masters degree or is getting engaged.
With that in mind, I will try not to seek validation for this article, *emphasis on the try*. Additionally, I do want to thank The Everyday magazine. Whilst I stroll in the slow lane, you are providing me with a project to work on, something to focus my energy into and allowing me to bring out a passion that I’d forgotten I had. In turn, this realisation I had, after attempting to brainstorm and getting frustrated because I couldn’t think about where to start, allowed me to write my first piece. So thank you.
Written by Charlotte Coleman
“Theatre and performance graduate from the University of Bristol, class of 2018. Now working in Student Recruitment and Outreach whilst attempting adult life in the big city of Brum. I am probably that person that takes life too seriously but I love creating, debating and discovering new things about myself. All of which I hope to overshare about in lighthearted but hopefully relatable writing.”