Waste Of A Womb
Many years of my childhood were spent playing the life-simulation game ‘The Sims’; what a brilliant creation – excellently designed, beautifully executed and joyously addictive. I spent hours upon hours on that game, attempting to create the perfect family.
I played it religiously. Building the careers of my Sims until they were financially secure enough to have a child - what a responsible eleven-year-old I was. Once I had enough simoleons in my bank account, I would order my husband and wife to wahoo, and sure enough, in two to three working days a beautiful Sim baby would be welcomed into the world.
Through my engagement with The Sims, I became aware of the emotional and economic strain a baby could put on a family. That game taught me many things, the most valuable being that you must really want a baby before having one because hell, they’re a lot of hassle!
That lesson seemed to remain throughout my childhood, and now at the age of twenty-two, I still do not want children. Although birthing and raising multiple Sim babies did take its toll, it is not the sole reason for my child-free decision.
There are countless reasons as to why I don’t want kids, and I could list each and every one of them in great detail but I will spare you. To put it simply, I have never experienced being broody and doubt I ever will.
Yet, despite my self-awareness and logical reasonings, when that devilish phrase leaves my lips “I don’t want kids”, I am met with a long list of insinuations, insults and attempts to convince me otherwise.
“You’ll change your mind when you’re older.”
“But you’d make such a good mum.”
“Doesn’t your boyfriend want children?”
“You’ll regret it.”
“Who’s going to look after you when you’re old?”
“You’ll never know true love until you’ve had kids.”
“Don’t you want a family?”
Whenever I am required to confess the fact I do not want kids, I feel the need to clarify – after the common look of confusion or disgust – I do not hate children. I have done my fair share of babysitting as a young teen, and I will happily interact, engage and play with little ones.
However, after a couple of hours cooing over their sweet baby smell, I like to return to my child-free home and enjoy a gin and tonic. I’m in no way suggesting parents cannot enjoy a drink or three - I’m sure many parents drink quite regularly - I just want to enjoy my gin and tonic with a slice of peace, rather than a slice of screaming toddler.
Although my answer to the inevitable question often takes the form of “I don’t want children” - short and sweet in the hope of no further comments - I will never say never. Just as I would never say never to taking part in a triathlon or becoming a nudist – not never, just quite unlikely.
I get frustrated, because as a woman, I don’t seem to be allowed an indefinite answer. Apparently, it’s a Yes or No question with one answer always being wrong. I would rather wake up in forty years and realise I missed my chance to biologically create a human, then wake up in ten having birthed an unwanted child. For the love of myself and the love of a potential life, I don’t want children. It would be cruel to base that child’s existence on uncertainty and doubt.
I have been fortunate to have rarely felt pressure from my family to have children. I am an only child and my two step-mothers are both successful, child-free women. Despite their support, I have received judgement and pressure from society, peers, and even strangers. There remains a societal failure to separate women and motherhood as we remain in a pro-natalist culture. I don’t believe anyone could win society’s quiz on womanhood since there is no perfect answer.
Along with every other aspect of being a woman, we are judged whatever our decision. To be childless is suspicious and narcissistic, to have one child is insensitive, and to have too many is thoughtless and a drain on resources.
Womanhood has no blueprint, and everyone will make different choices. My choice is to simply live a child-free life. I am confused as to why that labels me an anomaly in the eyes of others. According to statistics, one in eight Brits aged between eighteen to twenty-four does not want children, with a further 30% stating that they do not currently want children, although they may in the future. While these numbers continue to rise, pressure from society to pop out another kid in this already overpopulated earth persists.
There is still a lack of recognition and value for other forms of adulthood besides parenthood. Women can always be women without children, and I can still be nurturing, fulfilled, intelligent, feminine, strong and child-free.
As I enter the prime age for baby-making, I ask that you respectfully acknowledge my right to determine my future without question or judgement. Yes, the choice to have children is wonderful, but if every woman is expected to have a child, then it is no longer a choice.
Written by Kelly Bryan
Hey, I’m Kelly! I’m a visual artist and writer and I have recently launched my own venture Art Link. I’m passionate about abolishing unpaid internships and helping young creatives secure for the paid work they deserve!