Combatting Your Inner Saboteur: 3 Things I’ve Learnt
I love this saying. Instead of using phrases such as ‘inner demons’, I like to use ‘inner saboteur’ (IS). I first heard this whilst watching RuPaul’s Drag Race, as Ru often uses it to console queens when he spots they’re self-sabotaging and wants them to identify the root cause of why that may be. Our IS can represent lots of things - our doubts, our control, our lack of trust, our inner critique, our expectations, our limiting labels of ourselves and of course, our insecurities.
When an opportunity arises may that be a job interview, sharing our work for the first time, meeting new people or going on a first date, more often than not we let our IS take over. This puts us in a position where we don’t do ourselves the justice that we deserve. If I had a penny for every time I’ve let my IS do the dirty on me I would be very rich! (Note: I almost let mine prevent me from sharing this piece of writing with the world because I was scared it wasn’t worthy of publication but here I am!) It’s worth remembering that our IS is not only reserved for hijacking opportunities in life but that it can also affect our everyday relationships with others and more importantly our relationship with ourselves.
I’m here to share with you three things I’ve learnt to combat my IS.
Recognise Your Triggers
Although the word ‘triggered’ is lightly thrown about in jest on social media, we shouldn’t downplay the seriousness of triggers. To be triggered is to experience an emotional or physical reaction to a ‘negative’ or traumatic experience. The thing that triggers us in the present moment evokes past feelings. Triggers are personal and different for each person and can come in several forms; sounds, scents, people, words, objects and places- although this is not an exhaustive list at all. It’s taken me a while to truly recognise and process my own triggers but now I have a ‘mental list’ of what they are. Talking through my triggers with people I trust has been really helpful because their awareness has also meant that they can help me. The idea is to gently familiarise yourself with your triggers at your own pace. Understanding their origins can help you to find healthy coping mechanisms- again this is super personal and will vary for each trigger. It isn’t to say that triggers go away with time but there are things we can do to alleviate the power they have over us. Take time, go inside and be compassionate with yourself.
Journal Your Thoughts
For me, journaling is a practical way of making sense of my thoughts, emotions and behaviours. Seeing something on a page is much clearer than muddled thoughts and emotions running riot and ultimately clouding my judgement. Capturing these and putting them into sentences on a page makes them tangible things I can physically see and touch. There’s no right or wrong way to journal although I find writing in a stream of consciousness really allows me to release everything - kind of like word vomit on a page. It’s important not to censor yourself, it’s just you and the paper, you don’t have to pretend, prove or disprove anything. I learnt this from the amazing author of Rising Strong, Brené Brown, who refers to an uncensored journaling practice as “writing a shitty first draft”. The second part of my journaling practice is to later on go back, re-read and try to separate the facts from opinions. Re-visiting your writing can help you to self-reflect and be subjective. Try to approach it as if your inner child has written it, remember to be kind and fair to them.
Find Your Mantras
An important part of taming my IS has been creating my own mantras. I used to think this was a load of rubbish and when I would read self-help books promoting this I would simply put the book down. I thought that writing ‘positive’ things that I didn’t believe to be true about myself was absurd. However, there is so much research to say that over time you can re-programme unhealthy thinking patterns and replace them with more helpful and kinder ones. Now, mantras are my go-to self-care practice; they help me to ground myself, especially when I feel insecure. I find that writing my mantras down at the end of my journal entry is a good way to finish off, for example:
I am worthy of balanced relationships and amazing opportunities
I can let go of limiting beliefs about myself that are simply thoughts and not facts
I acknowledge that I deserve to be here just as much as anyone else does
I give myself permission to be heard
I give myself permission to be my full self, even if others try to deny me
If I can’t show up for myself I will show up for others
Everyone’s IS needs to be tamed in different ways and there isn’t a perfect remedy but only finding what self-care practices work for you. We’re all ever-evolving and complex beings, therefore different versions of ourselves will require different care. Like the queens on Drag Race choosing a wig for the runway each week, you will find that one week a wig works and the next it’ll be different. The point is, keep trying those wigs on and you’ll soon have a collection that you can be proud of bitches.
Written by Takiyah Kamaria
Takiyah Kamaria is an actress and writer from Manchester. She also loves to take 35mm snaps and you can find these on her Instagram @takiyahkamaria.