Friends Without Benefits: No, I Do Not Want to Sleep With My Best Friend
As someone who has always been in a mixed a friendship group, I have often been subject to a continuous stream of questions regarding my friendship with male friends. These questions are asked by everyone and anyone; my family, my other friends, people who just know of us… and they’re always in the same vein: “have you had sex?”, “do you fancy him?”, “have you ever got together?”.
Now, at the age of twenty-three, I am exhausted by these questions. I know I’m not the only one to be asked these questions; my friends and my sister, all of whom have male friends, are also subject to interrogation. It is tedious.
No, I do not want to sleep with my male best friend. No, I do not want to date them either. No, I do not think we are destined to be together… This is not a rom com. All these questions do is enforce the idea that it is impossible for men and women to want anything more than sex from each other.
It is time to dispose of the notion that male and females cannot simply be friends without either person having an agenda. It creates a divide between us; it posits the idea that males should only be friends with their own sex and the same for females. Any deviation in this means people challenge the friendship and believe that there must be more to a friendship than there is.
I understand the temptation to ask such questions when films continually show us that no male and female friendship is purely platonic (When Harry Met Sally, 13 Going on 30, Friends with Benefits – the list goes on). However, if I tell you that my friend is just my friend then that should be the end of it; the constant questioning becomes exhausting. When people don’t listen to your simple and straight answer and instead decide to continually question you, it negatively impacts friendships. People start to scrutinise your interactions, they overanalyse and judge, and then you feel the need to draw back from your male friend because people are starting to whisper and gossip.
Then there’s the other side of it; it is nobody’s business. You shouldn’t feel the need to constantly defend your own friendship, you shouldn’t feel insecure about your friendships and you most definitely shouldn’t withdraw from that friend out of fear of how it is perceived. People will choose to believe what they believe and that’s their problem, not yours.
I find myself becoming more passionate about this topic the more I think about what ideas were perpetuating to younger people. When my younger family members used to talk about a boy in school, the automatic reaction would be too hint at a potential romance or ask relentless probing questions.
Not only does it make it hard to introduce new people to your family, but you have to wonder about their biases. There is an expectation of heteronormativity - after all, I was and never am asked these questions about my female friends.
As I’ve gotten older, my social circle has grown to include a vast array of people with different sexualities and genders and yet the same old questions still get asked. I am still cast as the friend who is actually secretly in love with her male best friend. So, I ask, somewhat frustratedly, is it not time we retire the narrative that we cannot be friends with someone if they’re the sex we’re attracted to? Surely, in 2020, it’s time to just let friendships be friendships.
Written by Harriet Packer
Hi, I’m Harriet – Haz to my friends. I’m a 23 year old BA English Literature and Language graduate from Bristol; I have a twin sister, and am passionate about a range of things such as feminism, reading, film, travelling and scuba diving.
Photo Credit - Warner Bros. Television