A Question Of Now: Vasectomy
A Question of Now - a phone-in with Brenda O’Lox. This week, we are talking vasectomies.
“OK callers, I think it’s time we moved on. It’s fake news to think that vegetarians taste better than non-vegetarians. And all research indicates they taste the same whether they are organic or not so please, no more calls about so called ‘ethical cannibalism’. Now, in last month’s The Everyday Magazine, hidden within the guise of a comic’s stand-up routine, were some eye-popping details of a vasectomy. And on the line now we have Kevin from Swindon. Kevin, did you learn anything from this piece?”
“Actually from a cannibal perspective, if the participant is an organic vegan not a vegetarian, as you inaccurately stated, then yes it is more desirable and greener for the planet to consume...”
Brenda cut him off. “And from Western-Super-Mare, we have Carol.”
“I liked the piece.”
“Why was that Carol?”
“The spelling was good.”
“And anything else?”
“And the punctuation was good.”
Brenda O’Lox sighed: she was conscious she’d sighed live on air but was getting a little fed-up. “Yes, but what are you calling about?”
“To say I liked the piece, particularly the spelling...and the punctuation.”
“But the content, Carol? Although presented in a humorous style, did it help your understanding of the medical aspects of vasectomies?”
“Oh yes. The correlation of the pain issues associated with childbirth and having a vasectomy definitely came through and I can relate to that. I mean, well I’ve been kicked in the shins and I have two children, well step-children, but being kicked in the shins is very painful like childbirth I assume, and step-children are a pain in the arse, so I can definitely empathise.”
Brenda reached for her flask, a flask that didn’t contain coffee or tea but thought, no, not yet, I can cope with a few more callers.
“Thank you Carol, I’d like to say that was... insightful”. Brenda, having acknowledged an enthusiastic wave from her tech assistant, who’d recognised the distinctive nasal, strangulated and rather choked vocal tones of Bryan ‘Blanksy’ Steeplegate the beige painting street artist, as the next caller, quickly added “and now we have a familiar voice, hello Bryan.”
“Err no, actually it’s Brian - Brian Anorak.”
“Ahh,” said Brenda realising her faux pas. Although to Brenda, her tech assistant and the rest of world, both Brian and Bryan sound the same. She sometimes wondered if he, or they, were playing a cruel joke as they were never in the same room at the same time.
“Sorry listeners, it’s the other Bryan. I mean other Brian.”
“Actually, I think you’ll find Ms B. O’Lox, that I am Brian. It is the misspelt Bryan with a ‘y’ not an ‘i’ that is in fact the other Brian. This is Brian Anorak, the renowned collector of between-the-wars lawn mowers. I am calling to participate in your fascinating show to share with your listeners the fact that I, actually myself, have experienced three vasectomies the third of which I did myself after watching a rather informative TED talk.”
Brenda was lost for words but thankfully, a questionable term in the circumstances, the space was filled with Brian’s explanation.
“I felt that to run the risk of bringing any little Brians, or even little Brianettas, into this world was far too great and it needed to be curbed, permanently...”
Brenda knew Brian. She’d met him, actually, in real life. She’d seen him and conversed with him. She knew a lot about the 57 year old single Brian and his extensive collection of between-the-wars lawn mowers with associated, mint-condition, collectors’ user guides and continued to be lost for words, unlike Brian.
“...not that I am in a relationship as such, currently, or in the recent or distant past or the forceable near or far future, but I still felt it was my duty to significantly reduce the likelihood of an unforeseen incident. Being a celebrity does occasionally mean that unwarranted demands are made on one’s person. Just the other day I seemed to have inadvertently mesmorised a young lady with the correct use of my patented, quick release, galvanized slip-ratchet for a 1934 two stroke ...”
The line went dead.
“Ahh... the line seems...sorry about that ...ah no, we’re back. Sorry Brian, we lost you there.”
“No! It’s Gary from Swindon. For far too long we have been alienated and demonised as an unwanted minority through misrepresentation in the media. This dismissive attitude about vegan cannibalism has created an atmosphere that has brought about the rise of Tofu, Quorn and a whole slurry of other slimy substances that ...”
“That’s Kevin again, isn’t it?” Interrupted Brenda.
“No! No.” There was a pause. “Well, yes, but...”
“Cannibals are not an oppressed minority! You will not get a platform on this show!” Brenda cut him off. “And Brian’s back on the line.”
“Actually it’s Bryan, well the other Bryan, a prefix I am comfortable with although to be precise, I suppose it’s just Bryan as Brian is spelt with an ‘i’ not a ‘y’ which is quite distinctive when you think about it, so I’m not really the other Bryan just Bryan to be precise which is interesting as well as being distinctive...”
“And what do you have to share with us, Bryan?”
“Well, having just listened to Brian’s experience and thinking how some people sometimes get us mixed up, you know two celebrities, especially with my beige street art being so popular these days, I felt it was imperative to share with your listeners that I have not actually myself had the pleasure of being vasectomised and I am fully functioning and ready to ...”
“We are not here to promote your availability! Is there anything else, Bryan?”
“Er, well. Could I talk about the album that changed my life?”
“No! We’re here talking testicles with me, Brenda O’Lox. Is there anyone else out there? Anyone who wants to share? Anyone who has been touched by this subject? Who’s this on line three?”
“Hi. Bob from Swindon. So, like, yeah no. I mean you know, eating an organic vegan as part of a balanced cannibalistic diet is wholesome, nutritious and good for the planet without compromising...
Brenda began to zone out and lined up a long piece of outro music, much longer than is usually played by phone-in show hosts. She also decided it was time to open the flask. No coffee this week: it’s straight to a soft, summer, red fruit and zesty citrus infused cuban high ball, and thought perhaps this drink should have a proper name.
“...just because our approach of tackling over-population and addressing the needs of the alternative meat community runs contrary to your narrative and that of...”
It was a very large flask and the ratio of rum to soda water had increased significantly over the last few shows. She faded up The Ride of the Valkyries as performed on stylophones by the 1990s incarnation of the post proto-prog rock band ‘Infinity of Nebulous’.
“... our next conference you will see a meeting of minds when we express ourselves through the medium of contemporary dance to emphasise our commitment...”
As Kevin or Gary or Bob from Swindon earnestly droned on, Brenda adjusted the bass volume to full studio-rattling level. She daydreamed it would be a good idea if the possession of a phone by the public should require a licence. She would write the ‘phone possession test’ and also be the examiner. What a wonderful world that would be
Written by Sean Hodgson
Sean Hodgson lives in Oxfordshire, with a garden that has three plastic pink pigeons because this is Faringdon, Oxfordshire. He used to be a police officer but since getting better he generally keeps quiet about that. To see more of his work, visit his website here: www.seanhodgson.co.uk
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