The Cost of Hen and Stag Dos: Is It Time to Say “Enough is Enough”?
As I write this article, I’m reclining on the sofa with 2008 rom-com, 27 Dresses, playing in the background. The story is simple: Katherine Heigl is a bridesmaid to various friends and acquaintances 27 times but has never been the bride herself.
I love this movie. And in fact, I love weddings. Since entering my late twenties I’ve attended several, each one full of joy, genuine love, and a shared exhilaration in watching two people make the ultimate commitment to one another. Like Katherine Heigl’s character, Jane, I am always excited when a friend gets engaged, and am happy to help when the inevitable wedding stress hits them.
One thing 27 Dresses misses, though, is that always-the-bridesmaid Jane must’ve had a secret trust fund. A wealthy, mysterious benefactor. Won the lottery at least once. Something. Because it isn’t just the couple who are required to shell out a fortune for their big day – their close friends and families wind up with their own bills to pay, too.
After a full year of experiencing wedding merriment at full capacity, I started feeling the financial pinch (to say the least). Between us, my partner and I attended seven weddings in 2023, and he acted as best man or groomsman in a number of them. We worked it out: all these weddings cost the two of us nearly £5,000. Of course, we were happy, flattered, and willing to participate in these wonderful weddings. We made amazing memories at each of them that I wouldn’t trade for the world.
The preamble to weddings - namely, hen and stag parties - are a different story, though. While I’ve always had a lovely time at these events too, the cost of attending them is rising all the time. What’s more, it seems brides and grooms have caught the hen/stag bug and don’t show any signs of recovering soon.
I know this article will be polarising. Half of you might read this and think to yourself, “Get a grip, girl. It’s their big day, stop whinging about it.” But I know the other half of you will be feeling affirmed – hell, vindicated – to learn you aren’t the only one who finds the costly rituals of hen and stag parties even a little ridiculous. So before you have me pinned as the grim reaper of nuptial joy, hear me out.
Let’s start with the hard data, shall we?
The most recent comprehensive piece of research into the cost of hen and stag dos was conducted by UK insurer, Aviva. In June 2023, Aviva surveyed 1,000 people who had been guests at hen and stag dos that weren’t their own. They found that the average person spends £779 on attending a UK hen or stag, and £1,208 on an abroad do. Perhaps contrary to popular belief, men spend more than women – £920 compared to £653 in the UK and £1,256 versus £1,158 abroad. Male guests were also more likely to travel abroad for a stag than female guests were for a hen; 17% versus 13%. Around one-third of invited guests said they didn’t go, with three-quarters of those who declined saying it was because of money.
Another piece of research into the overall cost of weddings, published by credit agency Experian, found that attending a wedding costs an average of £451, which is 19% of the average UK monthly salary. This does not seem to include attending a hen or stag party; guests are spending £451 on outfits, accommodation, drinks, transport, the works. Add this to the cost of a hen or stag in the UK, you’re looking at a £1,230 price tag on sharing your loved one’s big day and the precursory celebrations that go with it. Experian also found that 33% of survey participants felt the bride and groom didn’t take their income into consideration when organising their hen or stag, and 1 in 10 attendees even went into debt to cover their share. By the way, Experian says that if you’re the best man or maid of honour, it’s an extra £211 all in.
I am fully aware that weddings, hens and stags included, aren’t just about money. The point of these celebrations is to send a loved one off into married life. The magnitude of a marriage is beyond the realm of birthdays or anniversaries, and in fact, few bigger things happen in a person’s life except the birth of a child. For many women, the hen holds a sense of divine importance that begins the journey to their wedding day. Others may feel that the world owes them this: my day, the one thing in my life for which I don’t have to compromise. For men, perhaps the stag party is a rite of passage that marks the change, solidifying how their role in society is about to shift as a husband and a potential future father, a milestone that deserves all the rowdy revelry it gets. There isn’t space in this article to delve into the highly cishet nature of being a “hen” or a “stag”, a clucking female brooding in her gaggle of feathered friends or an antlered male striding boldly across the wilderness towards his inevitable mate. But it’s there, and it’s important for so many people: becoming a husband or wife is more than a ceremony, it signifies the achievement of the ultimate heteronormative goal, a leap into the arms of a human safety net that will carry you through life. It says to one’s friends and family, “I did it. I matter. And we’re forming a union that matters even more.”
Plus, there’s the fact that many (or even most) people are more than willing to spend their hard-earned savings to celebrate with close friends and family members in whatever way they see fit. After all, the chance to take a loved one on a once-in-a-lifetime trip that fulfils all their wildest dreams is, understandably, an experience that a lot of people would enjoy and look forward to. Drinks, activities, time spent adorning loved ones with all the celebratory joy they deserve; all these elements make the idea of hen and stag parties a beautiful thing, rather than an obligation friends and family are forced to fulfil. That sentiment is valid and, I imagine, shared by a number of people reading this article.
All this to say: none of the significance of marriage, hens, and stags is lost on me, but I’m here to talk about money, so back to the money we go. Amid the reality of today’s economic situation, is it really acceptable to ask your guests to spend hundreds or thousands of pounds on an event that isn’t even the event? We asked a bride (and Instagram) exactly that.
First, I approached a married friend who had both a UK and abroad hen party. She’s currently organising a hen do for her sister-in-law and has been a guest on several of these events too. I cut straight to the chase, asking her how much her own abroad hen do cost, whether there was a budget, and whether anyone was unable to attend for financial reasons. She quickly responded, “I didn’t set a budget but nobody was unable to attend because of money. I planned the abroad hen a year in advance so people had lots of time to prepare, and I made it clear that there would be no hard feelings if people couldn’t attend due to financial strain! The flights and villa were £400 each all in. I don’t know how much people spent after that [the guests covered her share] but as the location was luxury, I expect people spent around another £300 to £400 each on activities and everything else.”
Further to this, I asked her if she feels that hen party culture has gone too far where money is concerned. “I do feel the industry has gone a bit crazy, but equally, if someone wants to go big and do something extravagant, as long as you’re being transparent from the get-go and don’t expect everyone to be able to come, I think that is fine. Personally, I will spend whatever it costs to make sure the bride has an amazing weekend. I’ve been a bride myself and know how special it is.”
I dug deeper. “Do you feel there’s a line between ‘can’t afford’ and ‘don’t want to spend the money’ and is this a problem?”
She responded considerately: “Some people get funny about that kind of thing. Personally, if someone doesn’t want to spend the money or needs to save it for other things, I would not be offended, but I’d feel some type of way if they expected others to spend money on them when it’s their turn.” She went on to say that there is “massive pressure” on organisers to “be conscious there are people with all sorts of budgets” while simultaneously ensuring the event is “everything and more” for the bride. She makes another final point: the word “affordable” means something different to everyone. You’ve got to be clear. You’ve got to give people the figures before they commit.
To widen the search for real experiences regarding hen and stag parties, Jess (head honcho at The Everyday) put out a poll on Instagram, asking, “Do you have any thoughts on the cost of hen and stag dos?” 12% of respondents clicked on the option that said, “It’s your wedding, do what you want.” The other 88% said: “You should tailor it to friends’ budgets too.”
So, what’ll it be? Are hen and stag dos just another corporate ploy to hoover more money into the wedding industry, which is worth £10 billion in the UK alone? Or are they an important way for both people in a couple to say goodbye to single life, kick back with their friends, and enjoy being the main character for once in their life?
For me, it comes down to neither of these things. In fact, it comes down to what you consider valuable. Your wedding, hen do, stag do, engagement party, engagement ring, dress, cake, insert a million other components here, are yours to choose. They’re nothing to do with anyone except you and the person you’re marrying, and anyone who waltzes in loudly vomiting their opinions all over your big day is probably not a very good friend. I’m sure most married people would agree with me here.
That being said, this sentiment is a double-edged sword. You make choices and must own them, and if this includes asking your friends to organise an expensive weekend away that covers your costs too, this might affect how your friends feel about your priorities as well as their ability to celebrate with you. Those who aren’t willing to go into debt or use their hard-earned savings to go on a weekend away with a group of near strangers shouldn’t be cast as killjoys, nor should they be guilt-tripped into simply “finding the money” – especially during a cost of living crisis that has plunged many people into difficult circumstances.
While it might be extreme to argue that hen and stag parties should be scrapped altogether, it’s time to examine who is in the wrong here: a person who insists their friends should show their love through participation in these expensive rituals, or the person struggling between supporting their friend and shelling out thousands. It’s possible to celebrate being engaged without asking others to indulge in the eye-watering expenses that come with it (we aren’t all Jane from 27 Dresses with seemingly unlimited funds to spend on other people’s parties). But it’s also possible to support your engaged friends’ hen or stag choices without judgement, communicating your limitations clearly and kindly. Basically, it’s up to us all to say “enough is enough” on hen or stag requests that push your financial boundaries. How the recipient of that message feels is, well, not your responsibility.
Written by Madeleine Heyworth
Madeleine (she/her) is a copywriter and poet based in Cheshire, UK. She works in financial services (during the day) and her poetry has been published by Acropolis Journal, Swim Press, Identity Theory, Dust Magazine and others. She is currently completing her MA in Creative Writing at Manchester Metropolitan University. When she's not working or studying, Madeleine can be found "bed rotting" with her cat, Winnifred, on her yoga mat, or rewatching Gilmore Girls for the zillionth time.
