Rebecca Olayinka - Possibilities
Possibilities
Apart from the constant tick tock of the clock,
The silence wraps around me like a blanket.
The thoughts in my head are my only chattering companions
How did it get to this?
Loneliness, isolation. Some, but not me will call it bliss.
It is my worst nightmare,
My never ending day.
I see no one, yet I am conscious of everyone
The friends past and present
There are no pings,
No sounds from my phone.
No one who knows that I am here, yet again alone.
I tried to make a different living,
I fought hard,
I was persistent and willing.
Yet in the dusty recesses of my mind, memories always visit me at night.
Memories of a life I had but never really lived.
My actual life flashes before my eyes,
Should I take the pills?
Should I end my life?
My heart is in pain
My head is sore
I really tried hard this time and that eats me to my core.
I don't want to go on,
Yet I cannot swallow,
I also cannot stay here to be left to fester and wallow.
I make a resolve
I pick up the phone,
I ask for "Help"
I am comforted I am reassured, by a stranger who knows my darkest thoughts.
I don't want a fuss, I don't want the blue lights to come.
I tell her "I'm not really sure what's going on".
After lots of talking to the stranger who knows my name,
I feel a bit better, though I am still scared,
I am still somewhat ashamed.
I wonder if I was to go, would anyone care?
I see the tattoo's on my left arm;
Love, Joy and Faith.
I remember why I got them done in the first place.
To remember the other side of this,
The side of abundance and of peace.
I decide not to give up right now,
Although I'm still not sure when this plight will cease.
I make a promise,
I decide to LIVE.
One day this place will no longer be my source of sorrow.
Ongoing anxiety and depression will have no more tomorrows.
I will not remember it,
For, I will get up everyday and make,
A life filled with endless possibilities that my heart will create.
My name is Rebecca-Oluwaseyi and I live in London. I spent many years studying and working in Bristol where I attended UWE Bristol and completed my Social Work Degree. I am a qualified social worker and freelance writer and speaker. I am very passionate about Black Foster Children as I was a care experienced child. I have been very lucky to have my written work featured in 2x books that I have contributed to; Outlanders- Hidden Narratives from Social Workers of Colour & ChickenSoupForTheSoul-I’m Speaking Now: Black Women Share Their Truth in 101 Stories of Love, Courage and Hope.
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