Don't Hate. Period.
Periods.
I started mine about 10 minutes before a group of my school friends and I were due to perform our very energetic dance at a rival school’s competition. I was not prepared and was ushered to the office in silence by a teacher I didn’t know and handed what can only be described as THE BIGGEST SANITARY PAD IN THE WORLD.
I was 13, wearing red fishnet tights, black hot pants, a top hat made of black card found in the art room, and brandishing a cane- ready to showcase our somewhat questionable ode to Lady Marmalade - Yes, that was allowed then. At no point did anyone say, ‘hmm maybe this is a tad inappropriate’ but that’s another story. So there I am, getting low like XXXtina, but the fun had drained from the experience because my tiny hot pants were stuffed with the giant pad, and my stomach and lower back felt like a thousand weights were dragging me to hell.
The next 12 years of periods were much the same - minus the hot pants - but with the addition of headaches, night sweats, PMS, sore boobs and thigh pain.
I missed countless days of school and work and grew to dread ‘flo coming to town.’
I went on the pill for a while on my GPs recommendation that it would ease the heaviness and diminish the cramps, but that didn’t work out for me for various reasons… mood swings, weight gain and breakouts to name a few.
I’m sitting with a friend- an artist, sharing a glass of wine when she announces that she is writing her PhD on menstruation and ancient rituals (!)
She explains to me that she wants to get a diverse collective of women together to meet monthly. She found a place for us to spend two nights a month, to discuss our cycles, to see if we sync and to create new performative rituals which surrounded our menstruating experiences. She would use the research in her thesis and turn the rituals into a show. And that is what she did - Dr Carnesky’s Incredible Bleeding Woman. http://carnesky.com/project/dr-carneskys-incredible-bleeding-woman/
There was no question about it. I was in.
At first, the nights we spent chatting, sharing stories, sharing meals and meditating were great but I was a little reserved. I didn’t open up about how miserable and angry I felt during the time of my period. As the meetings progressed and I felt more comfortable among ‘the coven’, as we called it, I began to talk about how I felt mentally, and not just physically.
Sometimes in the days before I come on, I feel so down that I can barely raise my head off the pillow. Other days, I feel so angry that the sound of someone swallowing a sip of water on the bus rips right through my senses and makes me want to scream.
Sharing these feelings didn’t make them go away (if only), however what it did do was normalise them. Talking about them with other women who experience similar symptoms, and being able to laugh about how irrational they make us, allowed a release. To stop dreading that monthly madness and to embrace it, if only for a comedic anecdote for the coven.
I started to be more aware of what was actually happening inside of my body during my period- https://rubycup.com/all-about-your-period/menstrual-cycle/ It is pretty rad, that all of this is going on inside of you.
Amazing as it may be that your body is working so hard, it doesn’t mean that the physical and mental symptoms can’t get you down and that is ok. I started a period mood tracker to log how I was feeling on and around my period each month. I did this after I realised that I was over reacting SO much about things that, on my regular periodless days, wouldn’t bother me.
I am still working on it, but just knowing that I am logging my moods seems to be helping.
Being able to look back and think, ‘ok, I feel like crap, but I did last month at this point in my cycle’ helps me to remember that I am not going crazy, and that in fact, this is my hormones messing with me.
Part of the reason I hated my period for so many years was the shame associated with it. I had terrible cramps and felt so helpless, yet teachers, employers and even friends scoffed, making me feel like I was silly. Meeting with those women and talking freely and openly about our cycles has given me a completely different perspective. What I learnt is that you don’t have to be positive all the time. It is ok to say, I am not feeling good and I’m going to take today off. I am going to sit around in my pyjamas, eat lots, cry at adverts and sleep when I need to. What is most important is not to mask how you feel and put unnecessary strain on yourself. Yes, I still have cramps, yes I suffer mentally, some months worse than others, but I now feel I can talk about it openly (too openly some may say.) I am prepared and that is a weight off of my shoulders.
Written by Amy Ridler
Alongside writing, Amy has worked in queer, feminist theatre & performance for the last 10 years and in education since 2014. She is currently studying for an MA in Creative Writing and lives in London.