Breaking The Cycle: Learning To Overcome My Battle With Food
CW: Discussion of eating disorders
Planning endlessly, the workouts and the meals... The meal prep that would look so aesthetically pleasing, yet unsatisfying. Working out, even when you don’t feel like it, to earn treats and/or fuller foods. These are all habits that I know all too well.
This way of life developed during lockdown became normal, yet I knew there was no pride connected to it, even if there were physical results. During my late teen years, having lost control in many areas of my life, I found an almost militant approach to food and exercise seemed to create a sense of balance for myself. I would not recommend this to anyone.
March 2020, my mother and I were experiencing some fragile times. The pandemic definitely affected many people in terms of their relationships with control. It was time to adjust to slowing down and every burden or situation that I may have pushed to the back of my head, came knocking on my door every morning. At this point, I had started my first year at University at Goldsmiths in South London. Leading up to the March 2020 drastic change, I had been going into the University grounds, unaware that these personal circumstances were hindering my ability to be present, able to form organic relationships. I just needed to be around the one person who understood this fragile ground, which was mum.
At this point, I was working long hours, as well as attending University. My mental health was on the line and university became more and more of an alien environment that I struggled to warm too.
Depths of Lockdown
In the depths of Lockdown, I had created a workout routine and a new food regime. Initially, I saw this as a good thing. I will start to look and feel better within myself. It was like I was driving a new journey of discipline, with blinkers on. Numbers and nutrition information was starting to be a part of my daily learning, and suddenly, I started understanding social media posts that related to this content too. Connecting the dots, I thought I was learning this the “correct way”. Like for many people, lockdown in part, felt like a blur. For me, my fear around food was a blur. I found myself scared to have certain foods and there was a “is this happening to me” moment.
Without a form of escapism anymore, mum and I were both positioned to look at many things we had been running from, in pure still silence.
An established routine
Wake up at 7.30 in the morning, and frantically clean the the house, do an excessive workout, followed by an unsustainable breakfast. I would then punish myself for feeling hungry after breakfast, as if there were cemented rules to be following. I wasn’t following a plan, but rather collected bits of information from unreliable sources, and created my own plan. It was beyond dysfunctional. With the meal prep and endless research in full motion, I was seeing results. I was seeing weight loss happening. The results, like for many, encouraged me to go even further. There was always a new goal to work towards, but getting there was a calculated task, driven by discipline. At this point in lockdown, my mindset was only thinking about changing my body and food habits. A few comments started, all of which were compliments. A well angled photo of my abs created a response that felt pretty validating at the time. “You look so god” and “you skinny legend’, just to name a few. Granted, the last one may have been said in jest, however, that was enough for me keep going with this restriction that I saw as healthy living. I soon saw how much this was hindering my ability to live, socialise and enjoy food.
After starting my monthly sessions with a woman at my University, I had almost rehearsed the script when talking about my restriction. I was numb, and forgot what the feeling was when eating food with such magnified thoughts. She asked me, “what are the things that you miss”. I had been running so much that I couldn't even see that I was at a stand still.
I said, “I miss eating tiger bread with hummus without worry”
A gap of silence after I had said that, had never felt so loud. These almost commercial sounding issues. It’s just bread, some may say. Eating socially is fun, they may say, and drinking alcohol is joyous, but I only saw it as wasted calories.
Restriction
It was only when we started to ease out lockdown that I noticed me declining meetups. It wasn't fuelling me with overwhelming excitement, but rather, fear that there may be food involved. My friends would go out and there would be the spontaneous post of food, and I would think to myself, I bet they are enjoying that ice cream, or that meal that isn't under a certain calorie number. My meal prep was religiously made as if I wouldnt be able to eat outside it, and it became a point to where I couldn't. In 2021, when lockdown eased, I found myself consumed with thoughts about food, the meal I had prior and the next one that I was going to have. It was exhausting, constantly looking at the clock and unfortunately, it made me incredibly disconnected. I believe I acted through it. My friends couldn't pick up on it too much, but I could feel that my overall character was a little more dull to be around. I couldn't seem to shift it. Even my eye contact had changed. Rather than immersing myself in conversation, I was looking at the food, judging it even.
In 2020/2021, I started seeing someone, and I faced a comment that solidified just how far this had gone. “I never see you eat”, he said. He had no idea that this girl who was working a job she loved, making music and writing as a freelancer, was battling this restrictive cycle. I look back at that now and just feel sadness; sadness that I couldn't enjoy food with someone, or fuel my mind with other, more stimulating thoughts. No, it was just food and exercise, and everything else had to come second. “I ate before I saw you” and “I'm not too hungry”, were just a few of the phrases that I had prepared. Sometimes, I would say that I'm on a bulking diet because then at least, it's seemingly more acceptable as it's for muscle gain as opposed to weight loss.
Mum never looked in the mirror growing up.
Growing up, my mum was the perfect example of a woman who didn't value looks as a sacrifice for anything. I don't recall seeing her ever critiquing or picking apart her image in the mirror. She remained present, creative and we spent our time together getting messy. As a result, I didnt ever look in the mirror and understand the critical process that unfortunately takes place in adulthood. Society truly shaped my new ritual.
This uncomfortable crutch of over exercising and restrictive eating was provoked by a lot of grief and unstable housing. I craved something that would provide comfort, results and, most importantly, control. Something that I initially considered to be a social and inclusive process, became painfully isolating.
Changes had to happen
I thought I could act through it, keeping this restriction behind closed doors. My closest friend was starting to see that I was starting to crack. In 2022, we went out to the local pub to celebrate him moving into London. I knew that I was going to tell him about this internal battle, that was stopping me from having a casual drink. I thought it would be easy, I'm only talking about a situation, but because it was such a present issue, I started to cry. The “easy” part about it was that he knew. He already saw what was happening. He wasn't buying the excuses or the plastered smile that I was showing. He made it easier to talk about. Right away, we made a plan, where we would go out for food, from time to time, and eat the starters on the menu, as opposed to an intimidating meal, where I didn't know what was inside it.
In March 2022, I started a new job, one that I absolutely love. The people, the content of work and the overall atmosphere. Nothing could go wrong I thought. I could present a fresh version of me, who had a mindset that was eager to change the cycle. As things became more stable in my personal life, I assumed this meant that I was “ready”. Within the first few weeks of starting, we all went out for lunch as a belated Xmas treat. Despite having weeks to prepare, I was slowly becoming more anxious as that day was approaching. I had hidden this part of me successfully so far, yet this would be the first time in years, eating something i don't know, with people who I don't know too well. I sat at the table, where the volume of laughter was both heartwarming and nerve racking. I tried to join the conversation, yet the menu content was all I could think about. In the past, I have been placed in uncomfortable situations without a say, but this time was different, a self inflicting discomfort. These people are lovely and have made me feel comfortable. This poignant moment highlighted just how much power I had given my eating disorder, undiagnosed may I add, yet I am experiencing all of the things on the list.
Current actions
The people that know me would think it's out of character. Milli-Rose is a confident, and productive girl who knows what she wants and where she's going in life.
I must say, although slightly uncomfortable, it does bring comfort that the people who I may be socialising with, know about this situation. There is an unsaid “we are all in this together”, type of feeling.
Whether it be making lists of new challenges to face with food, or taking more rest days as a weekly challenge, I am currently working my way through it. While I take this time to actively eat the scary foods, I think it's essential to discuss the issues that may have triggered this vicious discipline way of life. It can, or course, be painful to look back at a timeline that provoked unvented emotion, but I believe it is necessary. As I move towards slowly getting back to “normal”, I will try to face them, and socialise without pressure. I will try to see food as more than fuel, but rather something that bridges interaction with ease, without too much expectation.
Written by Milli-Rose Rubin
