Did You Cum? (NO) - The Truth Behind The Female Orgasm
It’s 2020. Fire rages through the Australian outback. Venice lies beneath water, experiencing a glimpse at its own inevitable immortality. Mullets are making a comeback. Maybe, now, with the world on it’s knees, before it’s too late, before the very existence as we know it crumbles into a post Brexit apocalypse, maybe NOW, we can finally FINALLY tell men the truth.
Are you ready? Okay here goes… women, as a general rule, do NOT cum from penetrative sex.
I know what you’re thinking. Your girlfriend, the one night stand, the friend with benefits, your wife… I’m sorry to tell you but the likelihood is that when they said ‘yes’, what they actually meant was ‘no’.
It has quite literally nothing to do with how ‘good’ you are in bed. Lord, you could be the casanova of your generation and the chance is this will change nothing. It’s not some theory I’ve cooked up to destabilise the patriarchy either. This is just fact.
The Metro stated that 80% of women do not cum through penetrative sex, the website for Planned Parenthood wrote a report on it, the NHS (YES, THE NHS) literally just published a report discussing that ‘it is impossible for a woman to achieve orgasm through penetrative sex alone’.
Honestly, I couldn’t tell you how this lie has stood the test of time for quite such a long period of time. It’s like a white lie that just got taken wayyyy out of hand; one minute it’s one cave woman muttering ‘yes’ to one caveman, and the next minute it’s millions of woman for centuries across the entire globe pretending they cum during penetrative sex.
It genuinely blows my mind that we have these type of statistics readily available, and yet the truth seems buried so deep. It took me 21 years of my life to ever admit this to myself, let alone to others - and I was sleeping with people from the age of 16. That’s a lot of years of pretending. I felt shamed watching films where women scream for their life during sex scenes. It felt like something was wrong with me or sometimes it crept into my mind, have I just been with terrible sexual partners? Am I just incredibly unlucky?? Do I need to find a wiki-how page on how to cum?
What confused me most was that when I had some ‘time to myself’ (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) it felt like I had a great time. My most consistent sexual partner was myself. This is NOT to say I did not enjoy sex. I really did - and do. I just felt like I was waiting for some fireworks, the orgasm had become a mythical creature. The orgasm was my own personal unicorn.
Then one night - it happened. (Don’t be silly, not that) I talked to my friends honestly and openly and lo and behold, the confessions came tumbling out. NONE of my friends had ever cum through penetrative sex. Ever. I wasn't the only one. Which led me on to my next question, what the fuck is happening?!
If I had never orgasmed through penetrative sex, and none of my friends had either, and the internet was corroborating my story too, then HOW ON EARTH did every man in the world think his partner came during sex? In fact, how did EVERY woman think that she should cum during sex?!?!!
Enter stage left - ‘faking it’.
Why do we feel the need to fake it? Why are we perpetuating a less fulfilling sex life? The answer is not a simple one but I think it’s fair to say that, when it comes to ending this bullshit, honesty is the best policy.
The sex lives that we allow ourselves, and others, to experience is down to how much we’re ready to be open with each other - and our partners.
There is so much pride and fragility about being good in bed - for both men and women. No one wants to expose their partner and make them seem lacking in that department and no one wants to feel alone, identifying themselves as ‘broken’ at what we’re told is a fundamental human experience. However, all this vulnerability around the topic thrives because no one talks truthfully about it. If we did, men and women alike would know not to feel upset by this revelation. There is no need for any pride to be dented, it’s just that, for most women, it’s not what our bodies love.
We need to redefine the shoddy version of what heteronormative sex is. Right now, the straight man owns the definition ‘sex’. Sex means 'penis in vagina’. Sex means waiting for the man to cum and knowing that you’ve done your job. Sex means ‘faking it’. That’s not an equal activity, that’s a service.
We need a total shift of what we perceive as ‘sex’. Currently, it revolves around the man’s orgasm. If this was swapped around and sex was about the women ACTUALLY orgasming too then, yeah, sure penetrative sex may make a cameo but it wouldn’t be the starring role. It would be everything else. The stuff that has been defined as ‘foreplay’. Even the name of ‘foreplay’ is infuriating, casting into sharp light how much the women’s satisfaction has been determined as secondary.
It’s no wonder that people talk about men preferring sex so much more than women. IS IT ANY WONDER WHEN IT IS DESIGNED SOLELY AROUND YOUR NEEDS? Here’s an idea, treat us like the main event too sometimes and maybe then you’ll realise how much women actually do like sex... Just not the ‘sex’ that has been packaged up and sold to us as the one and only type.
And, hey, another idea! (I’m full of them). Start reframing how you think of sex. Just take a second to think of the language and the euphemisms we use from an early age to discuss sex. The idea of bases is a great example of how sex is depicted in stages - with penetrative sex being the goal. You need to DELETE that from your head. For a lot of women, ‘third base’ is more enjoyable than ‘fourth base’. Third and fourth base are one in the same.
At it’s core, sex should always be about respect and pleasure. To me, it seems that the myth of the woman’s orgasm is prohibiting both of these. Women deserve to enjoy sex just as much as their partners, and if that means them not cumming so that we can… well it would be no less than what every woman has done for the last thousand of years.
If you’re a guy reading this - this is not a ‘I hate men’ article, far from it, this is not about blaming you, it’s a well kept secret, it’s understandable. This is not about women not enjoying penetrative sex either (we do, but it’s just our version of foreplay), but now you DO know, you have to be proactive. It’s simple really, all we’re asking for is for our sex lives to be 50/50; for us to both have the same amount of fun. So go talk to your partner and have a HONEST discussion about sex. Ask her what she likes. Damn it just send her this article with a few question marks underneath it and see what she says.
And women, let’s cut the crap. Do we really want to spend the rest of our lives having sex that is not about us? Your partner will understand and it’s better you are honest. Your partner, if he is a decent human being, will want you to have a sex life that pleases both of you, and, more importantly, this is about demanding a level of respect. If sex truly is about both partners, then let it actually become that. Sex is not what you owe to a man, it is not your duty to make him cum.
I know it’s embarrassing and a little tricky and it’s hard to even know where to start with these type of conversations, but most important things start with a difficult conversation. And hey, at least this one may end in a real life orgasm.
(This is such a huge topic and there are so many extra things I could have touched on. If you have a follow up article idea related to this, please do get in touch!)
I’m Jess, the founder of The Everyday Magazine. Day to day I work in marketing and am training up as a photographer in a Boudoir Studio in Bath. As a general rule, I like to write about things that would be awkward to discuss with the family. Try not to blush.