Here’s How To Be More Resolute About Your Resolutions
OK, so it’s here. That time of year when many of us start to look at what we want to change, improve or what we are determined we’re no longer going to put up with or tolerate in our lives.
Our New Year’s Resolutions.
Resolution. Google says that a resolution is “a firm decision to do or not to do something”.
That’s it in a nutshell, isn’t it? We all aim to make firm decisions to do or not to do something at the start of the year.
Then we often berate ourselves when we don’t live up to what we’ve decided.
So, how can we make sense of this behaviour so we might relate to our resolutions differently?
After all, perhaps they are just like any other relationship. If things aren’t working, we look at changing them (or that’s often the intention). Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn’t. But we can always change and change again.
That’s the great thing about life.
If something doesn’t work for us, we can have another go. And if that still doesn’t work for us, we can have another go. And keep on going until something clicks, something feels right or we realise something wasn’t even right in the first place.
Here are some Top, Tangible Tips you can implement right now, which will help you get resolute about your 2020 Resolutions.
What Do You Really, Really Want? (Yes, Tell Me What You Want, What You Really, Really Want)
Most of us would say that we know what we want. But do we really?
Have a go at this!
Find somewhere quiet. Describe what you want for your life in 2020 in some detail. How do you want to live? What do you want to give? Who do you see yourself living with? Where are you? What are you doing with your life? All of that and more. Focus on what you want. It can be easy to get stuck in what feels wrong but that’s not the energy we’re after, here.
Yes, I’m suggesting you talk to yourself about it. Yes, talk out loud if necessary. Oh, and if you use a mirror too while you’re talking, that really helps too. You get to see immediately how you feel about what you’re saying and decide whether you really want it or not (or whether you even believe you can have it) as you watch those fickle, facial expressions staring back at you while you’re speaking.
The screwed-up face which shouts ‘you can’t have that!’ or ‘no way!’ and ‘you’ll never achieve that, who are you trying to kid?’
If it’s finding a new home, creating a new career, meeting a new partner or practising new ways of relating to an old partner or maybe just finding the strength to stop hanging on to that hideously, harmful-habit, speak it all out. Loud, if you need to.
Laugh. Cry. Shout. Whisper. Notice the energy you feel with each and every-thing you describe. How do these things feel to you ?
Once you’ve spoken it all out and there’s nothing else to say, write down the key points you heard (or imagined in your head, if speaking out loud was just too darn weird for you).
Why, Oh Why, Oh Why?
OK, so this next stage is very, very, very, very important. You got that?
So, for all you skimmers out there, no skipping this part! Ask yourself the following questions about the things you say you want to achieve and answer honestly. Yep, more talking out loud if you fancy. Or write your responses down.
Yes, these could be your resolutions. Or they could just be little red herrings.
What will having this /getting this/doing this give you?
What will not having it/getting it/doing it give you? What is the impact of doing nothing, for example?
Who is this goal/resolution for? (sometimes we can be surprised at what comes up here, especially if the answer doesn’t include ‘me, myself and I!’). So, if you’re wanting something that’s not for you, ask yourself this ‘who am I wanting this for?’ And ‘why do I want this for them?’ ‘What do I believe that will give me?’
Who will be impacted by me getting this/doing this/having this?
It’s Not Me, It’s You.
OK, so if you’ve discovered that one or even all of the resolutions you said you wanted, actually ended up being things you want in order to please other people (and ‘other people’ may also include society or the world at large) do not despair.
Firstly, that realisation is a brilliant insight to have in itself.
You’ve spotted that you’re either denying your own needs, putting them lower down the list or even living your whole life wanting to please other people (usually, in the hope that by pleasing them, you will feel better about yourself, your life or get what you need/want back from them once they approve of you or are ‘pleased with you’).
This is of course futile. This kind of thinking or believing is highly likely to be the output of old, childhood patterns of relating and guess what? When you set up any kind of new year resolution for someone else, you are highly likely to sabotage it.
Yes, that’s right. You are very likely to fail in achieving the thing you say you want if it is not for you but is for someone else or for some other inauthentic reason.
With this awareness about these things, ask yourself those questions above, again.
How could you tweak your resolutions so that they are for you , or at least include you?
There’s nothing wrong with wanting something for you and it having a positive impact on others when you get that change, but if the resolution you make is only for others or because of how you think others want you to be, then this is the time to seriously reflect on your intentions.
Perhaps your biggest New Year Resolution is a realisation that it’s time to adjust your thinking and behaviour so that you can start living your liferather than living a life set up to be pleasing other people?
Q: Who Cares? A: Your True Self Does
Why is this so important? Well, I honestly believe that deep down, we are all here on earth working towards being the very best we can be, while sharing our gifts with the world.
When we are busy adapting ourselves, caretaking others’ needs, denying our own desires, competing with others, pretending we want ‘this’, when we really want ‘that’, keeping ourselves mindlessly busy, without mindfully choosing from our own heart, we’re highly likely to get to the end of our lives and realise we forgot to live it. We didn’t bother to look at how we wanted to live, what our values were, why we chose this over that or to be, have or do one thing instead of another.
And that feels sad. Yet, so many people live this way, never getting the opportunity to self-reflect, ask questions of themselves or their lives.
In this frantic, western world (which most of us reading this article live in) it’s so easy to waste our talent and waste our time schmoozing and snoozing while we’re wondering why we’re losing.
If, as you read this, you know it’s time for you to wake up, then make a decision to wake up! Making the decision is a fantastic start towards change. You can live your authentic life, even if you can’t quite see how yet. Your life – and what you want to do with it – is very, very important. Not just for you and your own joy and satisfaction, but for everyone you come into contact with.
You just need to start engaging with the idea and belief that it’s possible.
Your authentic life really matters!
If It Feels Like a Blur, It Could Be Your Saboteur
And finally, when deciding on your resolutions, watch out for this!
If some (or all) of your resolutions are for other people and not genuinely things you want to have, be or change for yourself, I can guarantee that you will find overt (and covert) ways to sabotage your success. You may not make those changes. Or even if you do, sooner or later you will revert back to living or behaving in ways which feel much truer for you.
Check this one out for yourself. Reflect back on all the times in your life where you have made resolutions or changes in the past.
When you have done things for others or because you believed (or perceived) someone else wanted you to change – or you thought this group or that team or society would accept you more – you’ll probably find that:
If you did make those changes, the idealised ‘magical’ approval you imagined receiving from others either didn’t materialise or if it did, it really didn’t make you feel happy. It only served to appease others (so, not making them happy either) and alienated you further from your authentic self.
Perhaps you’re either continuing to live (inauthentically) with those changes, having buried some of your true desires or you frequently try to ‘break-out’ in all sorts of quirky ways in your life as your heart searches for authentic ways of living. Take a quick scan of all your annoying ‘habits’ as that might give you some clues!
You didn’t get past the 9th January before you binned that resolution off, subjecting yourself to criticism, while light-heartedly laughing with others that you’re just generally bad at keeping to New Year Resolutions.
Lasting change comes when it’s really what we want. Yes, we might have to work at it, but if we want it for sound ecological reasons, we don’t mind that. When we think we should change for a myriad of reasons, other than because we want to, it never really works.
We all find subtle – and not so subtle ways – to sabotage our resolutions and intentions when they’re not feeling true for us. Which probably means that they’re not really resolutions, they’re more like solutions. Solutions to the problems we think we have, rather than aspirations which inspire us, whether or not they inspire anyone else at all.
Make The Call of Courage
It can often take courage to be true to our own wants, needs and desires and to make resolutions which feel good to us – especially if we’re worried that others won’t approve, support us or maybe when what we want excludes the involvement of other people.
However, what is the cost to ourselves, our loved ones or even to society as a whole if we choose to live an inauthentic or mediocre life?
Everyone we connect with feels it. And the same is true in reverse. When we live and breathe our own, joyful life, everyone feels that too and they often want (and find) the same for themselves.
So, even if your only resolution this year is making “a firm decision to have no resolutions”, I’d say you’re well on your way to living a more of your authentic life in 2020! (OK, perhaps if you’ve asked yourself those questions above, on the back of deciding not to change anything!)
Written by Sarah Thayer
Sarah Thayer is a Transformational Coach and developing Writer who works with individuals and organisations helping them to slow down, transform past patterns and to live more authentically in life, in business, and in all their relationships, including the most important relationship – with themselves. Prior to establishing http://www.slowcoachsarah.co.uk Sarah began a career in Human Resource Management, before responding to ‘a calling’ to qualify as a counsellor, going on to support adults and young people in changing their lives and improving their mental health. Her experience spans both Secondary and Further Education Sectors, working with EAPs, the NHS as well as with SMEs and her own Private Practice.
You can contact Sarah now to arrange a FREE, no-obligation, initial coaching conversation about how you can change your life for the better in 2020.
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