Interracial Relationships: Not Taboo, But Still Not Widely Accepted.
“You can be my lover, ‘cause love looks better in colour.” – Lizzo.
I think what Lizzo is trying to convey in the lyrics is that she believes that any type of romantic relationship should be embraced, particularly interracial ones! Yet interracial love isn't often celebrated in the media as something that is well... normal - and it really is, as romantic relationships are what most people want
Interracial couples account for a wide range of diverse ethnic backgrounds, but for the sake of this piece I will be focusing on my experience as a black woman. Although interracial relationships are great and, let’s face it, natural, interracial dating experiences are usually tied inextricably with racism. This is because, as Dr Reenee Singh outlines in an article in the HuffPost, “even though things have progressed since the 70’s and the changing demographics sees 1 in 10 couples in the UK identifies as intercultural, these couples still experience a substantial amount of racism.”
I, for one, am for any type of romantic relationship that enables one to experience love in all its wondrous forms. I am currently in an interracial relationship myself and have been in mainly mixed-raced relationships for most of my adult dating experiences. My partner is mixed-raced, half-Chinese, half-White. In itself that is not been a problem, although in the small city of Bristol, it is not a partnership you see too often. My partner is loving and gentle although it has been challenging at times for him to understand my experiences as a black woman (although his awareness has been growing) and has not encountered much if any racism himself, (or so he says); he has seemingly not been too effected by any curiosity we have encountered as a couple. he has seemingly not been too effected by any curiosity we have encountered as a couple. In the early stages I usually got from strangers who directed their comments more towards me; “Aww, you both look lovely, you will have cute babies”. And I sometimes challenged these comments by questioning why they would say that. Now, I get people are being nice, however I have never gotten this when I have dated other people regardless of race, so it begs the question of why this becomes the case when my partner is half Asian. On one side it is complimentary, yet I wondered if there is more to this? Is it really a form of unconscious bias at best?
Unconscious bias is defined as social stereotypes about certain groups of people that individuals from outside their own conscious awareness. Unconscious bias is difficult to explain as it is deep rooted beliefs that we all hold that we are not always aware of. A positive example of unconscious bias is treating someone more favourably because they are attractive, sometimes referred to as “the halo effect”. However, a negative instance of subconscious bias might be serving a white person before a black person in a restaurant, even though the black person had been there first.
Interactions with my some of my partner’s friends have been interesting to say the least; while no one has had a direct issue with our relationship, there have been borderline microagressions (defined by Dr Derald Win Sue as “brief and common place, daily, verbal, behavioural and environmental indignities, whether intentional or unintentional that communicate hostile, derogatory or negative racial slights, and insults towards people of colour.”
Being the only black person in the party of 12 has been tough as I have had to stand up for myself and have been in a position where I have had to educate others that actually singing along to the N word isn’t something you do as a white person. As well as having to explain that posting a picture in a group holiday chat of a black servant serving a white couple is not funny! Such indignities can be likened to gas lighting behaviour. You know, when someone tells you that they are not racist, yet does racist things, or says “you’re overreacting, it’s just a joke,”. Is it a joke? Gas lighting is defined as "a form of manipulation that aims to sow doubt in the mind of the “victim” by which they question their own reality”. It is a way of maintaining power and control. The term Gaslight, come from the movie Gaslight (1944) the movie portrays a man who manipulates his wife to the point where she believes that she is losing her mind.
My mind goes to Harry and Meghan who have had to contend with out-and-out racism. Meghan has been hounded by the press as bossy and uppity – with the latter a word black people have been called for “not knowing their place.” Danny Barker (radio presenter) even went as far as tweeting a caption picture post of chimpanzee holding hands with a couple – with the caption “Royal baby leaves hospital” – when Baby Archie was born. It’s no wonder that they left the UK for Canada if this is the lengths that some people go to in order to abuse their family.
The Huff Post also wrote an article in February 2020, titled “Does Britain Still Have An Issue With Interracial Relationships?” They spoke with five couples of varying ethnic and cultural backgrounds and, although it appeared that is was not such a taboo issue, they either experienced direct or indirect racism from one degree or another. This reminds me of the term “intersectionality” coined by Kimberle Crenshaw, which outlines how people who are both women and people of colour (POC) are marginalised by discourses that are shaped to respond to one identity or the other rather than both. I imagine therefore, if you are woman who is of colour and in an interracial relationship you could experience racism and sexism (this is also known as misogynoir, if you are black) from being judged by others outside that relationship, whereas if you were in a same race relationship, you may as a woman, just experience sexism. Complex innit? And we all just want love!
I do hope that the UK and the wider world will become more accepting of people dating outside of their race; that it is not something which will remain taboo or provoke funny looks and challenging conversations. I would suggest diverse friendships, however that it is not always the answer. I think recognising ourselves in the collective human experience would be a start and then concepts such as interracial relationships will not be any issue.
References
Moss, Rachel (2020) ‘Does Britain Still have an issue with interracial relationships?’ HuffPost Online
Sue,W.D, 2010. Microagressions in Everyday Life – Race, Gender and Sexual Orinetation. 1st ed. United States of America:John Wiley and Sons Inc, Hoboken, New Jersey
Sarkis, S.A(2017) 11 Warning Signs of Gaslighting(Psychology Today) <https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/11-warning-signs-gaslighting>
Coleman. L., A (2019) What’s Intersectionality? Let these scholars explain the theory and it’s history(Time Magazine online) <https://time.com/5560575/intersectionality-theory/
Written by Rebecca Olayinka
Rebecca is from London and has lived in Bristol for 14 years. Rebecca attended UWE and now works as Senior Practitioner (Social Worker) in Bristol. Rebecca loves poetry and is currently working on her first manuscript.