Learning Not to Fear the Grim – Changing our Mindset and Narrative on Death
In our lives we are capable of experiencing sixteen types of grief. These types of grief can show up in a whole range of experiences of loss, not just where death is concerned, and more than one type can be experienced at the same time.
Our culture here in the UK seems to have a very narrow minded narrative when it comes to grief. Death, more often than not, equates to extreme sorrow and tragedy. We speak of death in hushed tones and prefer to ignore the ever present topic, only acknowledging it when it arises. We are a culture who seems to fear our own immortality and the raw emotions that come along with it.
We all too often forget that we are all souls having a human experience. Death is a common denominator; we all come to experience it and at many times the world over, we have all been united by it. Opening up conversation about death, loss, and how we experience grief could be an awakening for us; an incredible revolution.
There are many who are starting to question and shed constraints put upon them around death's social 'norms'; those who are approaching the subject with a sense of curiosity, a wondering of how death and loss can look differently - perhaps even more positively.
In this article, I will guide you through different cultures and different outlooks of grief as The Grief Witch; a specialist of grief, loss, and soulcraft. In my work I help empower people on their grief and healing journeys; because healers do not heal, we guide others to uncover and reclaim their own power and begin to heal themselves. This is an invitation to potentially start reframing how you too come to see death and loss.
How the UK handles grief and why our narrative needs to be challenged
Our culture in the UK is that death, grief, and the emotions that come with it are private. We are a country that does not consciously have an awareness of the grief that people around us carry each day.
We are conditioned all our lives to see grief and depression as negative experiences. The connotations, usually associated with the dark and demonic, often amplify the feelings of shame and embarrassment that I mentioned earlier; ‘The Grim’, ‘The Black Dog’, ‘being in hell’, and even the term ‘rock bottom’ presenting a feeling of inadequacy, almost like a plaque or a weirdness. The result is thatbwe often find ourselves pushing it away, not wanting to associate with it.
In my work as The Grief Witch, I have seen so many people feel some emotions that you wouldn’t normally equate to grief; shame and embarrassment being two that are most common; especially when it comes to pet loss grief. We often shut down these topics, keeping them a taboo, which in turn affects the state of our mental health and wellbeing.
Here in the UK, collectively we are known to be the “stiff upper lip” nation and that can be seen in the way we handle subjects around grief and depression - or perhaps in the way we specifically do NOT handle grief and depression. In a report released in 2023 by Sapien Labs, the UK was the second worst out of seventy-one countries for mental wellbeing. Depression is one of the most prevalent mental health disorders here also, with 1 in 6 adults affected and 1 in 4 people experiencing a mental health issue each year in England alone.
This is a very stark contrast to other cultures.
Learning from Death & Grief in other cultures
Perhaps we can learn something from other cultures around us?
Mexico for example, has the beautiful celebration of ‘Dia de Muertos’ (Day of the Dead) a brightly coloured and raucous day dedicated to celebrating passed loved ones, with dancing, dressing up, and parades.
According to the National Library of Medicine, who did a study with middle aged Korean people back in 2017, a ‘good death' was when it can be said you lived a beautiful life, with no regrets and had time to reflect, whereas a 'bad death' was defined as dying before your own parents.
In Iran, they have ‘Azadari’ a collective grieving ritual of family, friends, and acquaintances of the deceased in the days after death where conversation about death is encouraged and stories are shared.
In Bali, death is seen as a time of celebration because it is believed to be the soul’s entry to reincarnation.
In Eastern Asia, white is worn when mourning to symbolise purity and rebirth. In Buddhist cultures, sorrow and grief are received with a mindset of gratitude for what has been given, even the gift of suffering. Buddhism says that; ‘We learn to swim in the stream of universal sorrow. And in that stream, we may even find joy’.
The uniting factor of these examples is that other cultures are not afraid to speak openly about death, amalgamating stories and conversation to help each other through a period of change in their lives. They do not see death or loss as an ending or something to be afraid of, they see it as a celebration of life, welcoming change, being grateful for what was and rejoicing for those that have passed as they make their way to the next stage or realm of their journey. It shows us that the UK operates on a lower vibrational frequency, and that perhaps we, as a country, are still emotionally immature. There is huge potential for growth if we could begin to change our perceptions.
Changing the narrative of grief & depression
In 1998, while relocating an unmarked grave to make way for construction in Korea, a letter was found from 1586 written by a widowed woman to her deceased husband. The letter was roughly translated and the beginning of the letters reads; “You used to say to me, “Let’s live together until our hair turns white and die on the same day”. So how could you go ahead and leave me behind?...”
Death has always invoked sorrow - it has always affected us and even across cultures, time, and change, the feeling of loss has always been harrowing.
This doesn't mean we can't start to re-evaluate how we see it.
Is it too much of a Utopian idea to think that we can find joy in our grief? Can we become empowered in feelings of depression?
This is something I am continually curious about in my work and something that I find fascinating the deeper I explore it.
With discernment in mind, I ask you this; is it possible to think of grief and depression as opportunities for growth?
I do not want to invalidate the heaviness or seriousness of grief and depression; quite the opposite, I want to alleviate it. I want to help people see that there is empowerment in our most dire times, and that as uncomfortable and painful as it can be, the feelings can be met with acceptance and curiosity, not judgement.
If we were to open up this mindset for the collective, could this mean big changes to mental wellbeing worldwide?
How might our healthcare systems look if there was better support and more acceptance in our communities for grief and depression?
What would it feel like to be reminded that grief doesn’t discriminate and that strength can look like a heroic cry, sharing openly in brave spaces, acknowledging the emotions and allowing them to be there instead of finding a way to numb or distract ourselves?
I believe it’s possible to find empowerment and learn to not fear the rawness of life. If we lovingly approach ourselves in a way that means, even when we understand we are struggling, we can find acceptance within that fact and meet ourselves in that place, we can become more aware of our needs. We can become secure in a knowledge that life will change, as it does for everyone, but we can also feel safe knowing that we can lead ourselves with compassion and gratitude. We can meet ourself and heal ourselves.
Nature is our biggest resource for life lessons and we only have to look at her cycle to see that our foundations of growth are built in the darkest days. In winter, nature does all the work underground, in the darkness, to prepare for the rebirth of spring. One thing to remember is that death can be peaceful, it is as nature intended - a wave returning to the ocean, the leaves letting go each autumn and being gently blown in a breeze. We can de-sensationalise death by understanding the harmony of it.
Grief and depression are inevitable in our lives because it is intertwined with love, and I hope that soon, society can start to love itself and each other fully, so that we can be in balance with nature and grow into our seasons. Life is always about equilibrium and we cannot have darkness without light, or life without loss. They are not opposites, but partners, after all.
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Written by Rochelle Hanslow
Rochelle Hanslow is a Scottish, neurodivergent, and chronically ill writer, poet & grief specialist. She has written for magazines online and in print for the likes of Happiful, Edition Dog, Mashable, Edition Dog Professional, and Conscious Being. She is known as ‘The Grief Witch’ in her work and also hosts ‘The Grief Grimoire Podcast’, the podcast that honours the grieving journey.