Living with Anorexia
Tw: Eating Disorders
Like many little girls I thought by the time I was 35 I would be married with children, living in my own home and have a job I loved but in reality, I have none of these things. I would be lying if I said I was fine with this because in honesty I find myself 35 and empty. I was diagnosed with an eating disorder and depression at the age of 17 and some might say that I use my mental health illnesses as an excuse, but I believe they have been the barrier preventing me from obtaining these things.
I still had dreams and aspirations but due to long intensive periods of deep dark depression and a long history of being in and out of hospital for my eating disorder I haven’t had the opportunities to achieve any of these things I longed for. As a little girl I dreamt of being a dancer, visualising myself up on the stage but instead I’m still sleeping in the bed I spelt in at 12 years old, no longer dreaming of the life I thought I would have but instead grieving for the life I don’t.
It definitely wasn’t meant to be this way, I was supposed to grow up wiser, happier but somewhere a long the line I tripped up. I tripped and stumbled into a black hole which I have spent what feels like a lifetime stuck down. I’ve been calling out, but no one can hear my screams. Each day I am fighting, fighting the most terrifying fight of all, fighting with my own mind, my own shadow is the scariest thing that exists in my world.
I was always a sensitive child, but I don’t think anyone would have foreseen the path that I would take. Once I got started on the path of anorexia at the age of 16 it become impossible to find my way back. I was in it deep, lost, scared and alone. The thing I could never have known at the time was that anorexia can only go one way, I seemed to have missed the sign which read ‘This way to hell’.
Most people have heard of eating disorders but unless you have suffered or have a loved one who has its unlikely you will understand the true damage that they often cause. They are like a tornado spinning uncontrollably through one’s life, destroying everything they touch. There isn’t a single part of my life which hasn’t been impacted by it in some way.
At first anorexia felt like a superpower, gifting me the ability to numb my pain, to fill the huge whole in my heart and the ability to become invisible. By the time I was in it deep, these superpowers stopped and instead it showed its true colours, exposing itself to be the evil bully that it is, but by this point it was to late. To late because I had lost so much more than just a bit of weight. This is the thing that people don’t realise about anorexia and other eating disorders, they are about so much more than food, (whether this be binging or restriction) and much more than just losing weight or a fear of gaining it.
The more my life become about controlling my food and over exercising the smaller my world became. I had dropped out of university, lost my job, lost friends, and pushed everyone important in my life away. I was alone and with only my eating disorder for company I become even more reliant on it to just make it to the end of the day. It sounds strange but at times in my life anorexia was actually keeping me alive because without it I had nothing to live for and no sense of purpose.
I have had anorexia and depression for 20 years and as time has gone by the things I wanted to have in my life, like a job, home and romantic relationship have become further out of my reach which is so scary and makes it harder for me to step into recovery. Now I’m in my mid 30’s society doesn’t grant me the same permission to experiment and make mistakes and there seems to be so many more risks involved in leaving my illness behind. Your teens and 20’s are all about experimenting and self-exploration, but were sold the idea that by the time you reach 30 you should have your life all planned out and know who you are. I find myself always comparing my life to that of other people my age, people I went to school with for example, who have taken the normal route to their 30s. They have jobs, romantic relationships and are no longer living in their family home, this can lead to even more intensive feelings of grief for the things I don’t have in my life.
March 1-7th is eating disorder awareness week and the reason why I am sharing my story is because I want to raise awareness that eating disorders are evil, and if anyone reading this are struggle or if you know someone who is than I really encourage you to reach out for help for yourself or loved one. The sooner one gets help for their eating disorder the higher the chance of making a full recovery. I share my truth because if I can educate or deter someone from taking the route I have or encourage someone to turn back around than maybe I can help save someone from missing out on the experiences I have. Don’t miss out on the opportunities to make memories and cherished relationships.
If you are struggling please speak to someone you trust, there really is no shame in asking for help and there will always be someone who will want to help you I promise you that.
You can find out more about eating disorder awareness week and get more information about eating disorders on the Beat website, Beat | The UK's Eating Disorder Charity (beateatingdisorders.org.uk).
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Written by Clare Wood
Clare lives in Bristol a city which she is proud to be able to call home. She loves interior design, flowers and is addicted to podcasts.