Losing A Friend In Your 20's
I suppose it is to be expected that the older you get the more the dynamics of your friendship group change. People very rarely keep in touch with the friends they had when they were 18 or 19 when they are 30. But nobody tells you what it’s like when you’re only in your mid-20’s and you’re already losing touch with friends who you thought you’d have another few decades with.
Your late teenage years are when you’ve finally gotten some independence, whether that be at university, an apprenticeship or a job. Your social life has taken off and the people you spend every Saturday night with know more about your life than your sibling. Your hometown friends are who you share your life with; only they know what you’re talking about when you tell them a friend of yours slipped down the stairs at Thekla, only they know how you feel when you tell them your family had a cancer scare, because they’ve been there through it all with you. They’ve been through a lot with you and it’s incredibly difficult to go from having someone who has gone through so much with you to them not being in your life at all.
Moving on from your teens, you fall in to your early-20’s, this is a strange era. I have friends who are engaged, those who still live at home, friends that tell me how wild their Tuesday night was and friends who are progressing in their career already. I know many of us must feel like this is a strange in-between age where we are pressured to find what you want to do in life but with no idea where to begin – I feel exactly the same way. I just always assumed I’d have a certain group of people around me whenever life does get too much but as things change so do people and you begin to lose touch with those you never thought you would.
This adjustment isn’t easy, especially when the friends you no longer speak to is not because of an argument or a fall-out, it’s just a simple transition to no longer being in each other’s lives. That’s why it’s so difficult to believe that you’ve truly lost them as a friend because you don’t dislike each other, there’s no hate there, it’s simply because you no longer have the time for each other or one of you no longer puts the effort in. Sometimes you wonder how you ever could have been as close as you were if neither of you have the time to even send a text.
I sometimes describe the pain as something like heartbreak, despite not being romantically involved, there is a sadness to it, a longing feeling that surrounds you when you think back on the happy memories you shared. It, also, doesn’t help that Snapchat, Instagram and Facebook constantly notify you of your archived photos from a year or two before – these memories just keep on appearing.
As friends go, others appear. Whether it be while you’re travelling, at university or when beginning a new job, you meet a number of new people, bonds form and your group of friends transforms once again. This is never a bad thing, making friends and meeting new people is a part of life and you should always surround yourself with those who make you feel comfortable and where you can be yourself.
I have always been a sociable person and I enjoy meeting different people, however I sometimes can’t help but find myself feeling nostalgic and a certain longing for the friends who I miss. At only 23 years’ old, I thought those friends from my teenage years might have stayed in my life for a little longer. The lack of communication over a long period of time has put a large stretch of distance between us and the guilt I feel at not making the effort is compounded with anxiety about whether they resent me for not reaching out sooner, if they’ve forgotten about me altogether or, worst of all, what if they don’t want me in their life at all?
This feeling of loss and neglect is one that no one wants to experience, despite studies showing that losing friends as you get older is a part of life (a 2016 study showed that men and women begin to lose friends at the age of 25), it doesn’t have to be this way.
I suppose in writing this article, I am hoping that people who feel the same way understand that they are not alone. That losing a friend sucks and it’s okay to feel lost without them, you have to adjust to all different things that come your way but it still takes time to accept it. However, if we are to lose some friends then we really should gain some as well. If there really is no way of breaching that gap between those you have lost then putting the effort in with new people, reaching out to others may be a way to move past those you no longer see or talk to and focus on making new friends who you trust. We will not be another statistic. In order for us to grow and change as people, we should always be open to making new friends – even if it does take a while.
Written by Issy Packer
Hi! I’m Issy, I’m 23 years old and I’m an English Literature graduate currently living in Bristol. I’m very passionate about a number of things including travelling, writing, reading, film, music and feminism.