My Journey With Alcohol
Tee-total no longer revolves around tea! Or coffee and soft drinks like Cola’s. As there are many alternatives to alcohol, is alcohol as important to us, with the rise of these low and alcohol-free drinks?
Let me start by asking the drinkers among you a question… why do you drink?
· To be social with friends, feel part of the party.
· To change how you feel (emotionally, spiritually, physically)
· The taste of the drink, the nice glass, the ‘ritual’ of it
· Out of habit and unsure of the alternatives
· Dependency, I can’t imagine life without alcohol
· Other
About 14 months ago, I ended a two-and-a-half-year period of not drinking. During that time, I tried various alcohol-free alternatives, some of which I still enjoy as an alternative to alcohol. Why did I stop drinking? And why did I start again?
When I was younger, my parents demystified alcohol, so it was never really anything taboo or secret. Initially I thought it tasted gross! My mom used to drink Barley Wine beer, now it is called Barley Malt, it is a strong beer, almost as strong as wine. So, having tasted that from her glass, it was enough to put any kid off the allure of alcohol! My parents did buy me Warnicks Advocaat every year from a young age, this I liked a lot. I still receive it from dad every Christmas to this date, aside from the couple of tee-total years when I asked not to receive it.
Over the course of her life, my mom became dependant on alcohol. She had been born disabled and this caused her both physical and emotional pain. Alcohol made her feel better, and her drinking built up gradually over the years, as a form of self-medicating. My mom would nag my dad about smoking and my dad would nag my mom about drinking. They both tried to stop, and both would return to their addictions. My mom could stop drinking for a few days or weeks, then it would start off as a ‘little something nice’, and every time, the dependency would kick in again.
Shortly after my dad retired, my mom developed a heart arrhythmia, and the doctors asked her to keep a drink diary. She confessed to me that she didn’t drink for 3 days as she didn’t want the doctor to tell her off. During the other four days she still managed to clock up over 120 units of alcohol, by this time her drink of choice was neat vodka. The doctors told mom that her drinking was the cause of the arrhythmia.
One day my dad found my mom collapsed on the sofa in their holiday caravan, she had suffered from a stroke (caused by the arrhythmia), she had experienced TIA’s before (mini stroke) but this was a big one. She lost her speech, right sided bodily movements, and had difficulty swallowing.
Over the next few months, mom did manage to recover from some of her initial symptoms, but issues remained with the movement of the right arm, speaking, and swallowing solids. (We later discovered she had also been left with vascular dementia).
During her stay at hospital, the doctors questioned us on mom’s drinking habits, and told us that they must give her medication to counteract stopping alcohol suddenly. This was when it hit home for us, despite her protestations, that mom was an alcoholic – she was dependant on alcohol. It’s easy to think of alcoholics staggering about wearing worn out clothes, drinking from a bottle in a brown paper bag, as portrayed in the movies.
However, most alcoholics appear as fully functional people with important jobs and responsibilities, people that look like you and me. Like my mom, a proud lady who took great care over her appearance. When my mom was discharged following her stroke, she was sober, and this lasted for roughly 17 weeks, I thought that she had finally cracked it. Then she fancied ‘a little something nice’, and the cycle started all over again.
Around six years after her initial stroke, my mom and dad both fell ill with the same bug. As my dad was moms care giver, he was unable to provide the care that he usually would. Both myself and my brother live 4 hours away, in different directions. My dad eventually called the non-emergency medical line, 111, who arranged an ambulance for my mom. When the paramedics saw my dad, they took them both in. My husband and I travelled to them as soon as we heard.
Mom was admitted to hospital, dad was treated and discharged. My husband works from home, so stayed with my dad for 12 days until he was better. My mom was admitted to a care home following her discharge from hospital, she died just over 6 months later. My mom had always been the life and soul of the party, full of fun, jokes, hilarious anecdotes, and had a red-hot temper! It was that temper that made our relationship difficult at times. Sometimes I felt so disconnected, other times we would be so close we would each call at the same time and reach each other’s answer machine.
Six months after my mom’s death, I decided to stop drinking. Every time I held a glass, I would look at it and think ‘this stuff killed my mom’. I was fearful of developing a reliance on alcohol, my maternal grandfather also had a dependency on alcohol when he was alive – I was really concerned about any hereditary issues.
I gave up drinking in the April, but the month before had hardly touched more than half a glass of wine. During this dry period, when I fancied a drink – I questioned what it was that I wanted from alcohol in that moment? To be social with friends? To change my state or how I felt? The taste of something nice? Or simply just fancying a cold beer on a hot day.
I experimented with several alcohol-free alternatives, with a great deal of success. I was amazed how many options were available in supermarkets, a few local rural pubs had a small selection, but I hear that their availability is much more in the cities. If I was having a social event with friends (can you remember those glorious days!?) I would have sparking water or various mixers and ask for them to be served in a wine glass; if I wanted to change my state, i.e. cheer myself up or relax after a hard day, I would go for a walk, the gym or meditate, watch TV, call a friend etc. For a taste of something nice or a palate change, I had lemon sorbet, or mint tea, or a mixer in a nice glass. When it comes to summer, the appeal of a cold refreshing beer is tough to match, but there are now decent low alcohol alternatives. They taste even better when you have not drank in over a year.
Some of the drinks I have had have been a total revelation, especially Heineken 0%, No’secco alcohol free Prosecco, and some alcohol-free ciders. I quite like the alcohol-free gin, but it is not worth the cost. I find alcohol-free red wine unpalatable. Over the two and a half years that I was not drinking, I went to a few 12 step groups to learn more about addiction, in my heart I took my late mother to each one. I tried several different types of group and found them supportive and helpful. In one group, someone said to me, ‘the easiest way to find out if you are addicted to something, is to give it up for at least year’. So, I made that commitment to myself early on.
Those alcohol-free years taught me a lot about myself and my motives around alcohol. I was surprised just how often I just wanted something to refresh my palate. Although I do drink alcohol now, I regularly choose alcohol free options, and I always have water available.
Things I have learned:
· Previously, if I were drinking something and was not really enjoying it, I would still drink it, I hate waste. However, now I will tip it away, unless someone else I am with likes it.
· I can enjoy most alcohol-free alternatives, except red wine. In fact, red wine was the first drink I had after my period of being tee-total. I would probably still be a non-drinker if there was a decent low alcohol alternative to red wine!
· For the first year of not drinking, I drank no alcohol at all, not even low-alcohol or alcohol-free drinks. During this first year, I dreamt a LOT about drinking, this is totally normal.
· Often when I thought I fancied a drink, most of the time, I just wanted something refreshing to the palette in a pretty glass. I use wine glasses a lot now, they rarely contain wine.
· The cost of alcohol is not just the cost of the drink, it also has knock on cost, namely time and energy the next day. After having a long period of not drinking, I notice the after effects of alcohol a lot more. A little lay in bed, a slower start to the day, the lack of motivation to clear away at the end of a dinner, and then waking up to it. All these moments add up.
I think carefully now before I drink, do I really want it right now, or am I looking for something else? If so, what is that something else? How will I feel tomorrow if I drink today? What effect will it have on my plans and goals? Chances are that alcohol is not the answer.
If you have been considering cutting back on your alcohol intake, I would encourage you in this, although it can be challenging, it is also rewarding. Personally, I found environmental triggers difficult at first, being sat there, watching a movie and the character pour themselves a nice drink. It’s tempting. In those moments I would feel like ‘I want a treat too, why can’t I have something nice like that’, the answer of course is that I can, and there is a wide choice of ‘treats’ that do not include alcohol. I have a choice to select something that is more nourishing and self-soothing than alcohol. If you are worried about your alcohol consumption or dependency, there are several support groups available, many of which still meet online during the pandemic. There are also some welcoming, supportive, and private, social media groups.
No one starts out to become an addict, most of us feel like we need a bit of support from time to time, a bit of a treat, something nice to relax us. For around 20% of people, the feeling they get from the substance works so well they consume it more and more, until one day it consumes them. Like it did my mom.
There is another way, and there are other things we can drink, many of them great alternatives to alcohol. We are no longer limited to soft drinks, water, tea, and coffee. With a little imagination, life can be just as enjoyable without, or with less alcohol.
Is alcohol as important to us now with the rise of alcohol-free drinks? For me, I can quite happily sit with a posh glass and a dry tonic water. It all depends on why you are drinking in the first place. What are you hoping the alcohol will do for you? How else can you meet that need?
I stopped drinking because of a fear of dependency. I allowed myself to drink again because I am lucky, and grateful, that I am not currently part of that 20%. Do I have control over alcohol? I am in the middle of dry January as I write this, so right now I can say yes. It is important to note, that every time we take a drink, we hand over a little control to alcohol. A little willpower here, a little less inhibited there, one day the glass may not want to give control back. Alcoholic dependency can ‘just develop’ one day, and I don’t have the hubris to believe that I will always be able to enjoy alcohol freely. But for today, I have a choice, and so do you.
Written in loving memory of my mother Jean, who only ever wanted to be known as ‘mom’, and paid the highest price.
Written by Helen Heggadon
Hi my name is Helen Heggadon, I am Age 49 (and ¾, too close to the big 5 0), I live in Devon with my husband.
I work as a Customer Care Advisor in a call centre for a large telecom company and have just started diving into the world of writing articles. I am a member of Toastmasters International (public speaking group) in my spare time, where I have participated in club and area contests, and helped run a workshop on public speaking to the Tilney Group.
When I was younger, I wrote poetry, more of a means of communication than anything else, I have never had any proper training for poetry, or any other kind of writing, aside from what you get in high school.