The Impact of Becoming A Parent
Are people having children without realising what it will mean for their life? Did you feel unprepared for the impact parenting had on your life?
The plan was that my (now ex) husband and I would start a family when he finished his studies and secured a decent job. I reckoned I’d be about thirty-six by then. But all too often, things don’t go to plan. I blame my niece, who was born when I was twenty-six. Her christening was a beautiful affair; at the reception, her mum took off her long white gown and put her in a gorgeous red and white polka dot dress. Her hair was in ribbons, her cheeks were rosy, and I said to myself, ‘I want one of those!’
Two months later, I fell pregnant.
When it came to raising a child, I had a passably good idea about the nuts and bolts of it all: I’d grown up in a large extended family, had witnessed the arrival of younger cousins and been around the babies and toddlers of family friends. I’d changed nappies on numerous occasions and, one year, I was put in charge of my seven-year-old cousin and gave her grief when she refused to eat all the food that was on her plate. I felt I was competent.
When I was expecting my own child, I didn’t think much beyond the early years – the cute phase when they’re babies, the sleepless nights and their first words. Few people, I’m sure, consider the prospect of having a moody teenager on their hands or wonder how their twenty-something year olds will get on the housing ladder. Instead, we’re caught up in the excitement of ante-natal classes, birth plans and teething rings.
Parental preparation is like marriage preparation, which often doesn’t go much beyond the wedding day. And like brides and grooms-to-be, few take the time to reflect seriously on what it takes to be an effective mum or dad. Practically, I was more than equal to the task of raising a child. Keeping it alive wouldn’t be a problem, but when it came to supporting a mini me in a more existential way, I didn’t have a clue. Despite being a relatively self-aware person, I gave no thought to how I would encourage and support my daughter with the kind of self-reflection that had been my bread and butter since I was eighteen.
It was something my ex said about my (in his eyes at least) inadequate parenting that set me on a path that revealed to me just how challenging parenting is and how incredibly superficial parenting classes still are. I won’t bore you with the gory details, but because of his comments, I spent evenings reflecting on how I’d been parented, considering the qualities my parents possessed that supported my mental, physical, and emotional development, and resolving to focus on bringing up a child who knew – without a shadow of a doubt – that she was a person of worth who was loved unconditionally. I promised that I would never cause her to feel stupid or bad, and I figured out how to give her the tools she would need to navigate the world she was living in. Each new age and stage of her life meant a new way of relating to her and a new set of lessons I would have to impart to her. I endeavoured to speak to her in ways that built her up.
At all times, I endeavoured to keep my own stuff out of any issues, and I quickly learned that if I wanted to do this properly, I’d have to constantly work through my own issues. Children are such great triggers, I mean teachers. They bring to the surface long-buried hurts, and if we can face them and work through them, we can give our kids a better experience of life.
I’ve done a decent job: life’s not without its challenges, but I’m confident that my daughter has enough self-love and the courage to tell herself the truth when honest self-talk is required.
We are currently facing a mental ill-health epidemic of significant proportions, and I believe it is because parents did not equip themselves with the tools needed to support their children’s emotional and psychological needs. Parents of all persuasions, classes and creeds have no idea how to build their children’s self-esteem and confidence. Too many believe that, as long as the child is fed, watered, and sent to school, everything will be okay.
Children aren’t being truly listened to when their feelings start to overwhelm them. Too many parents are invested in playing ‘let’s pretend’ instead of having honest conversations with their children, because they’ve never had an honest conversation with themselves in their entire lives. As parents, we’re always seeking the next distraction – nights out, shopping for the latest fashion items, planning the next summer holiday, anything to avoid having to sit and be with who we are, our pain and disappointments. We’re afraid to dive deep into our selves, and if we can’t do it for ourselves, how on earth are we going to facilitate these conversations with our children?
The answer to this explosion in adolescent (and pre-adolescent) anxiety lies with parents and carers. And the problem is only going to get worse as we put devices into the tiny hands of our offspring and outsource their development to Meta and Minecraft. If we want to make the lives of our children better, more satisfying, healthier, it is imperative that we start with an up close and personal examination of our own.
If you’re reading this and you have children that you know could be emotionally healthier than they currently are, now would be the perfect time to start doing the work on yourself.
Written by Laurie O’Garro
When the country’s not in semi-lockdown, Laurie works for the Metropolitan Police and pursues a craft called ‘string art’. Her daughter is currently in her final year of university, studying online in London. Laurie also writes poetry and flash fiction.
www.instagram.com/thecatchuptalks
