The Pandemic Gave Me Time: Pausing A Burn-Out
Prior to the lockdown I felt like I had been running on ice for months. Since finishing University, I had felt like I had been moving frantically in a desperate attempt to stay balanced, but I couldn’t find a way to step forwards in the direction I wanted to go in.
The supposed abyss of post-graduation life had never phased me in the way it understandably seemed to for many of my peers. This is because, A) I knew I would feel no nostalgia about walking through glass stained streets, on my way back from yet another late-night library session to my poorly soundproofed room with indescribable stains. B) Whilst I did not know exactly what I wanted to do I knew that I had worked ridiculously hard (although I know we all think this), that I had sacrificed, that I am adaptive and that ultimately, there were many career paths I could see myself taking. I did not feel scared about the unknown because I felt prepared. Before I had even graduated, I accepted that university was a temporary chapter in my life that would come to an end and I was ok with that because I was excited for my dues to be paid. I miss my friends (dearly), the lock on my bedroom door, cheap drinks and heated seminar discussions (nerd alert), but that was that.
However, in the months that followed my graduation, I began to truly appreciate the high price that I had paid for my lifestyle at university and I am not talking about the £50,000 worth of debt. Both during and post university life, I had long ignored growing and severe ails that had marred me for months and even years at a time at the expense of trying to complete my work and remain productive, even when my body was begging me to do otherwise. Ultimately my ill health got the better of me and I graduated 6 months later than my peers with the intent to ‘take a break’ when it was all over.
I made a modest attempt at ‘self-care’ in the months finishing my dissertation to address my health, but it didn’t last more than a couple of weeks and I soon started a job in retail pulling shifts 6 days a week at the height of consumer season, which obviously only aggravated my conditions. How else was I supposed to afford that ‘self-care’? Having developed debilitating chronic back pain and acute anxiety throughout university, I would often finish shifts hobbling home and extremely disappointed that I wasn’t, in the very least, hobbling back from something more fulfilling.
It’s not an uncommon story at all but society tells us if we work hard our efforts will be rewarded. When the milestones didn’t materialise despite my volunteering ‘here’ or working ‘there’, in an attempt to get ‘that’ internship/job, it prolonged the burnout and it was as if I had never left university.
So for me, when the lockdown was announced on the 23rd of March, I took what I see now as my first deep breath in a while. It only took a global pandemic for me to realise that my ability to ignore the blaringly obvious, to ‘persevere’ in favour of being ‘productive’, is not an admirable or healthy quality to hold onto. I can’t tell if it’s the anxiety or my catholic upbringing, but I am not morally superior in my ability to endure. Being constantly productive was my way of feeling like I could gain control over forces above me, but there’s nothing to gain when you’re trying to battle both against yourself and the uncontrollable.
In the early days of the lockdown, daily schedules and 2-week ab challenges inundated my social media. Anxiety resurfaced as I battled with how to stay productive and try to maintain value for myself and future employers through self-improvement projects. If you can’t find a job you might as well try and use this time to relearn GCSE Maths or get washboard abs, right? I also found it hard to remain grateful. As twisted as it sounds, whilst friends were getting furloughed, I felt stupid I hadn’t a job to even lose in the first place and at 22 years of age I was still fighting with my younger brother over the last bit of cereal. With the country shut down indefinitely, how can I feel like I am moving forwards now?
But as time progressed and I was forced to stay still and actually listen to those who loved me, I began to realise that I had come further than I thought I had these past few months. I realised I am not a ‘hustler’ by nature, I love lie ins, long walks and I hate rushing my coffee with a passion. Whilst fear about the future still prods at me, my boyfriend reminds me that not three months before I was in so much pain, I could not do basic chores without feeling faint. Since the lockdown however, I started walking long distances again and eventually those walks had turned into runs. It’s been an opportunity to refocus my goals to match my needs not my wants. Self-care looks less like distracting my anxiety with gimmicks like new clothes or trying to be successful in everything that I do and more about taking the time to responding to my instincts. Very ‘Eat-Pray-Love’ of me, I know.
During a weekly skype call with my friends, towels wrapped around heads, teas in hand, they note how surprisingly positive I sounded and jokingly look forward to seeing how long it lasts. So do I. Prior to the lockdown I was so wrapped up in my personal struggle that I had forgotten to live the life I told myself I was working towards. The lockdown has given me the opportunity to reconnect with friends that I had otherwise been too awkward to properly connect with, since they had all moved onto shiny new jobs, apartments and Masters. I am finally able to be hopeful despite the stand still and I am able to be there for them and myself in a way I truly felt I could not before, and I hope to continue this mentality when we leave this place in time.
Whilst the nation endures both a PPE and flour shortage in outrage, I am finally able to put my fears and turmoil into perspective, something I had long lost. I am very grateful and privileged to be able to take advantage of this time for myself. It has also been really interesting to see how others have used this time for them and it often also centres on questions on self-reflection and about the future, reminding me that I am not alone in this anxiety.
That doesn’t mean we should be beating ourselves up for not using this time to not finally finish that personal project, to learn Chinese or to get snatched for the summer that may or may not come. However, if you honestly want to pick up the guitar you haven’t touched in years, start a podcast, or if kneading dough brings you peace, then do that, or don’t! For those who can, it’s about using this time to do things that are truly fulfilling for you and I’m not entirely convinced that the answer lies in another Instagram challenge. If it helps anyone, it has been two months now and whilst I’ve started to learn how to run and I’ve gotten back into writing, I still haven’t organised my sock drawer. Seems silly but for me, I think I have learned how to refocus the idea of being productive on what is best for my wellbeing and not my CV and I am feeling infinitely better for it.
Written by Clara Martinelli
Hi, I’m Clara, I’m a recent graduate in International Relations and Politics currently doing volunteer work in London and looking to make my corner of the world a better place one step at a time. When I’m taking a break from being existential you can find me on the sofa watching police dramas and eating stupid amounts of pasta.