The Points-Based System: A Modest Proposal
*Phrases highlighted in bold have been directly uplifted from the GOV.UK website describing the UK points-based immigration policy; passages from Jonathan Swift’s A Modest Proposal (1729) have also been adapted*
I think it is agreed by all parties that the prodigious number of smokers in the smoking area is, in the present deplorable state of the kingdom, a very great additional grievance. Therefore, whoever could find out a fair, cheap and easy method of making smokers sound and useful members of the commonwealth, would deserve so well of the public, as to have his statue set up for a preserver of the nation.
This policy statement sets out how we will fulfil our commitment to the British public and take back control of our borders – mainly those to the nightclub smoking area, the cornerstone of our British culture.
For too long, distorted by night-club free movement rights, the smoking area has been failing to meet the needs of the British people.
We will not introduce a general or temporary entry system. We need to shift the focus of our smoking areas away from a reliance on cheap cigarettes and poor chat and instead concentrate on investment in technology and automation. Smokers will need to adjust. We are ending free movement into house parties, cafes and clubs. We will introduce a firm and fair point-based system that will attract the high-status members of the public who will contribute to our social spaces.
For too long our smoking areas have been distorted by smokers. By smoking, members of the public are wasting an opportunity to seem socially and morally superior. They should refuse. We intend to prioritise the non-smokers in this area. Therefore, those smokers who still wish to use the smoking area will need to adhere to the points-based system in place.
Smokers who have filters will be priority; these resources will be obtained by the owner of the nightclub for fair distribution. If you need to request additional information, you need to do so within two months of applying to smoke in the smoking area.
In order to enter the covered section of the smoking area, you must be a smoker of straights. Preferably Marlboros. Those who can only afford to roll do not have the financial means of those who we want in this area.
You are only allowed entry if you insist that you only smoke when you’re drunk. Everyone needs to know this. You have to be really fierce and not stop talking about it.
Special skills such as saying: ‘we love to see it’ or ‘fair play’ obtusely over the conversation are preferable but not essential.
If your partner is in the smoking area already and you wish to join, you will be given a green cup on entry.
In the interest of not wasting resources, all tobacco will be recycled. We will allow and encourage those who are skilled at picking up ash from the floor and creating new cigarettes from the stubby remains to apply for entry.
We cannot guarantee standing space or heaters for the smokers; these will be reserved for the non-smokers.
All of the people who wish to enter our club must have an offer from an approved sponsor. This sponsor must have visited the smoking area for at least five years previous to the applicant’s request for entry.
As of 2021 a badge-based system will be trialled. We think the introduction of labels will be an ideal way of separating those who contribute to the social space and those who would be better placed elsewhere. In previous trials we have not come across any issues in the segregating of people: in fact, separation is equality. The people should be left to regulate their own affairs.
We encourage interaction in the smoking area. In effect, users of this area will be able to ‘trade’ characteristics for cigarettes, demonstrating to fellow smokers that they are worthy of sharing the outdoor space.
I cannot think of one objection that will possibly be raised against this proposal, unless it should be argued that the number of people will be thereby much lessened in the smoking area. This I freely own, and it was indeed one principal design in offering it to the world.
Indeed, we will grasp this unique opportunity to make the smoking area as non-smoking as possible, and inclusive of those who fulfil these requirements.
The Government sincerely professes that they have no other motive than the public good of the country, by advancing trade, relieving the poor, and giving some pleasure to the rich. The Government, as would be expected, has its own smoking rooms and so is exempt; these social spaces are in the Houses of Parliament in which the points-based system is null.
Written by Esther Bancroft
A recent graduate of Bristol university, Esther has returned to the pen to write a little bit about a little bit of everything. When not staring at a screen trying to be creative, she likes to buy books without reading them and paint pictures of the sea - which is her healthy obsession.