The Postgraduate Uni Experience – Am I F-ing this up? Guilt, FOMO and saying NO
In July I got to put on a fancy dress, a hat and gown, and do the whole graduating thing. It felt great to have my undergraduate degree done and dusted, but I’d already secured a place on a Masters Writing for Young People course and so it kind of all felt a bit redundant.
There was a break of about 2 months between graduation and starting my postgrad, and so I was pretty much straight back in the system. But even in those two months something had changed. I had changed. Honestly, I was kind of done with Uni. Not in the sense that I didn’t want the learning experience - if that was the case I wouldn’t have stayed on - it was more like I was done with the intensity of the social side of uni. I was kind of exhausted.
Don’t get me wrong, I was never a big going out person, but I lived with my friends and went out drinking at least once a month. There was always someone around and someone to meet up with. There was always the pressure to be there; to not miss out. I mostly liked that during my undergrad. I liked that I was pushed into new experiences and met so many great people. But I quickly realised that in my postgrad, my priorities had changed.
I choose to go part time, meaning four out of five days of the working week I was working other jobs outside of university. Some were just to keep myself going financially, some were possible career paths I really wanted to explore. The one day of the week I was in University was the day I had dedicated to university. I would try to get ahead with projects and reading lists and assignments. By the time my seminar fished at 5, I knew I had an hour bus ride back home to look forward to, plus cooking that dinner and completing that paperwork, and so I found myself turning down every “fancy going for a drink?” and “we’re just popping to the pub if you want to join.”
I couldn’t make any of the ‘networking events’ or the ‘extra curriculars’ thanks to my work schedules, and I couldn’t bring myself to go for that drink on a Wednesday night knowing I’d have to be up at 6am again the next morning. The fear of missing out crashed over me, and then after some thought, I realised, actually, it wasn’t that I cared about. What I cared about was what people thought of me. I didn’t want them to think I was being rude or that I didn’t want to hang out. I felt guilty for being the person who always said “sorry, can’t tonight.” I felt like all of my classmates would get friendly and close, and I would be the one person in a class of seven students who people didn’t know or like.
The thing about doing a postgrad is that most people who study them have responsibilities outside of uni that most undergraduates don’t. Postgraduate students tend to be a little more mixed in age, meaning there are plenty of people with partners and children and side jobs. Some even with full time jobs. It’s also a very different experience depending on if you’re studying full time or part time. When full time, you’ve kind of carved out the time to spend on campus already. Since I was studying part time, most of my time was carved out for other things. The part I had carved out for university was enough, but it was a very specific period of time.
I found myself really questioning if I was f-ing the whole experience up. Was I missing out on opportunities because I’d chosen to do things this way? Was I working too much? It’s not like I could afford not to. I sent one of my classmates a slightly embarrassing Facebook message, assuring her that I wasn’t trying to avoid hanging out with everyone, just that I had a lot of work. She was very nice; told me not to be silly and that everyone got along really well in class. It seemed that they didn’t meet up as much as I’d thought, and no one had really thought anything of it.
I then moved on to question if not going to the ‘networking’ events was going to damage my career. There were so many book launches and talks and extra lectures I was being told were a great opportunity to meet alumni and ask questions. But I couldn’t go. Not if they weren’t on my Uni day. Again, having looked into it and asked around, it didn’t sound like these events were really about networking, and while they sounded nice and friendly places to be, no one was getting a book deal by being there.
I think sometimes we feel that FOMO even when we don’t actually want what it is we’re missing. There’s something about the way society functions at the moment, about being told you should be somewhere, that makes you feel as though it must be true. I think in these cases FOMO becomes guilt, and that’s an even harder feeling to shake.
I’ve tried to remember that I signed up for the postgrad because I wanted to make a career out of writing, not because I needed to make new friends. That sounds really harsh, and its not like I’m going into Uni and snubbing everyone. My classmates are great, and I do consider them all friends, but I also know that I don’t have the time or the energy to feel responsible for going to every gathering offered to me. And I’ve learnt that they don’t expect that from me. I doubt the University does either. I show up to classes, I read the books and participate in discussions, I go to as many of the extras as I deem possible. I write and I write, and I write. What more can they ask of me?
What more can they ask of you, right?
If you’re in a similar position and are feeling guilt or FOMO or any other sort of feeling along those lines, just remember to check in with yourself. Am I doing my best? If you can answer yourself honestly with a yes, then you really don’t have anything to worry about. It’s cheesy, but it’s true. You’re a grown up now; whether 20 or 65. You don’t have to feel obligated to give more than you deem appropriate. You’re not f-ing it up. You are living it in the way that works best for you.
Written by Leigh-Ann Hewer
I’m Welsh but currently reside in Bath, England with my boyfriend my cat. I have a BA Honours Degree in Creative Writing and love anything and everything bookish. I’m currently working in ESL Teaching and PR and studying a Masters Degree in Writing for Children.