My Surrogacy Story: 'It Was The Most Natural Thing in the World to Hold Her In My Arms'
When my husband and I first talked about starting a family, we never thought that we’d have any problems. Most couples trying for a baby assume it’s going to be easy which is why, when they do have problems, it hits them hard.
We got pregnant quite easily. Sadly, the first pregnancy ended with a devastating missed miscarriage, which required medical intervention. The following two pregnancies happened just as easily, but ended in early, natural miscarriages. Medical staff advised us that we had been ‘unlucky’, a small word better suited to getting a flat tyre when it’s raining, or spilling coffee on yourself before an important meeting.
We had so many different tests, but no reason was found for the miscarriages. We were advised to try medical intervention, so started IUI and later, IVF.
After a couple of years of unsuccessful treatment, we sought help from a consultant in London. Yet more tests, this time with my blood being sent off to a lab in the US. We eventually discovered that I had an immune issue which caused my body to reject each and every pregnancy, regardless of whether it was from my own eggs (which we had also discovered were of poor quality) or those of a donor.
Years of scans, blood tests, injections, inseminations, medical procedures, tablets, pessaries, hopes and wishes, all for nothing. We grieved for the loss of those babies, our hopes and dreams. I had also had to come to terms with the fact that I would not have a biological child of my own.
We went through some very dark times. I felt bitter about other women who got pregnant so easily, felt sick at the sight of scan pictures gaily posted on what seemed like an hourly basis on Facebook, and tried my best to avoid baby showers.
When we had exhausted all our possibilities, and my husband had pretty much decided it was ‘over’, I read about the possibility of surrogacy through a chance Google search. We did our research, talked it over and decided to look into it.
Surrogacy is not, by any means, an easy option. Whether you go to the US via an agency and pay tens of thousands of dollars, or hope to find an unbelievably generous woman in the UK, it is hard. UK surrogacy is based on altruism and organisations are not allowed to ‘match’ people wanting a child with surrogates.
We joined an organisation for people hoping to have a child through surrogacy (intended parents) and surrogates. The organisation arranges social events where you can meet people, chat and form friendships. And that’s what happened. Yes, really. In 2013, we met an awesome woman, C, who was already helping another couple to become parents. And when she had helped them by carrying their daughter, she offered to help us. We had become good friends, and bonded over our love of food, particularly curries.
We did what is known as ‘straight surrogacy’, which is when the surrogate uses her own eggs. We did home inseminations each month - an awkward time followed by a cup of tea and a natter afterwards, like nothing had happened. After several months, we were pregnant. I was anxious about how I would feel when we got a positive result, but when it actually happened, I felt remarkably relaxed. I never doubted that C would make us parents, she was just so determined. When we told our friends about the pregnancy, we overwhelmed by the responses we got from people.
Luckily, we lived relatively close to C, so were able to attend pretty much all the midwife appointments and scans. We met with the head of midwifery at the hospital to discuss the fact that it was going to be a surrogacy birth. This meant that staff would be aware that there would be three of us in the labour suite, and that C was not to be referred to as ‘mummy’. Thankfully the hospital had a good surrogacy policy, and it all went smoothly.
In March 2017, on St Patrick’s Day, our daughter was born. My husband saw her arriving into the world, and I cut the umbilical cord. We had skin to skin contact with our little girl, while C looked on proudly. Any doubts and concerns I had about whether I would bond with our baby were gone. It was the most natural thing in the world to hold her in my arms. The staff were amazing, looking after C as well as making sure we were cared for. And when C had had enough of hospital, she went home several hours after having given birth. She popped back later to see us, having had a nap and a shower. Unbelievable!
We’re still in regular touch with C and her family. We chat on Facebook, and try to meet up every few weeks, often for a curry. Every so often, we have a ‘mega meet up’, with all the families she has helped getting together - it’s an amazing group.
We have been honest with people about our surrogacy journey. And when our daughter is old enough to understand, we will be honest with her too. She will know how she came to be born, and how wanted she was. She will also know that, through C, she has an amazing extended ‘family’. Since having our daughter, C has had a little boy for a third couple, and is now helping a fourth couple. All these families, linked together through one amazing woman.
Written by Helen
Helen lives in Warrington, Cheshire with her husband, Sean, and their daughter. She is a keen amateur photographer, and loves crafts. She is currently obsessed with acrylic paint pouring and wishes she had the space and time to do it. She would also love a bigger garden for a bee hive, and perhaps some chickens.
Maybe some goats. And a donkey or two.
This piece has been illustrated by a guest artist, Henar. You can find more of her incredible work on her Instagram.