Wedding Traditions: I Do or Do I?
Since I was a little girl, I’ve always dreamed of a big, white wedding. I couldn’t wait to pick the perfect dress, venue, flowers, shoes...I couldn’t wait to walk down the aisle and feel like a princess. But since getting engaged myself recently, I have been questioning the whole world of weddings, traditions and why we still have them.
The Engagement
I got engaged to the man of my dreams, to my best friend and lover, last September. A man who kept the engagement a complete secret for two years, designed my ring from scratch and surprised me with the most dreamy weekend in the country. When I think about it now, it all really started with the ring. My engagement ring is not the most traditional; rose gold band and ethically sourced, sustainable, lab-grown diamond. I’ve always wanted something different. I didn’t want the classic silver band and I thought that gold engagement rings were a tad outdated. Plus, I really didn’t want to wear something on my finger for life and constantly wonder how the diamond was sourced, hence why I wanted an ethically sourced, lab-grown diamond.
So yay, we got engaged and I was over the moon, seriously my face hurt from smiling so much for weeks! I bought all the wedding magazines, I was on Pinterest daily and I couldn’t wait to start planning my fairytale wedding.
Then when I really began to get into the whole affair, I started to question and doubt whether I wanted to have a wedding at all. Nevertheless, I still wanted to marry the love of my life, but wasn’t sure whether a traditional wedding was an appropriate way to celebrate our love and commitment to one another. I realised that many if not all wedding traditions are prettily wrapped up in outdated, historical views, such as purity, reproduction, superstation and obviously the patriarchy. It also almost exclusively only represents cisgender, straight, white people.
After flicking through dozens of wedding magazines, I started to sit with lots of questions like, why do we have weddings in the first place? What do all of the traditions mean and why do we still follow them? Especially when so many are they completely outdated?
The White Dress
Centuries ago, women did not wear big, white dresses on their special day, due to the practicality of it, especially in the western societies. Women would choose a dress that they already owned or a dress that they could wear again and they were almost never white. Now tell that to the modern day bride and she might bite your head off. “What do you mean I have to wear a dress I already own to my wedding?!”
The colour white, usually represented purity and chastity; it meant that a woman had never been married before and that she was a virgin. That alone is incredibly old-fashioned and honestly the whole virginity thing and “saving yourself” for your husband to be, makes me feel a little sick. Hello patriarchy!
But, the white dress tradition really began with Queen Victoria’s wedding to Prince Albert in 1840. She wanted to show off the expensive lace that was especially made for her wedding and the best way to do that was to wear a white dress. This translated into the colour white equating wealth and therefore, not long after that, many wealthier brides adopted this tradition and then the trend spread across all social levels. It was indented as a ‘tradition’ in the 20th century.
And about the veil?
The veil originates from brides wearing them in ancient Rome to protect them from evil spirits. And the garter? Traditionally tossed as “proof” that the couple have consummated their marriage...and worse, the groom has to stick his head up the bride’s dress to remove it with his teeth in front of everyone. I mean, I consider myself pretty sexually liberated, but I am not sure that I want my family and, specifically, my husband’s family to see that.
So there you have it, 182 years later we are still wearing white wedding gowns without questioning why.
However, I want to add that many cultures continue to wear different colour dresses. In China and India, brides wear red as a symbol of good luck. Nigerian brides wear brightly coloured and immensely accessorised dresses and so on...
Who is to say that it has to be a dress at all? It can be a suit or a jumpsuit, whatever you feel comfortable in, whatever makes you feel beautiful, sexy, powerful and badass, THAT is what you should wear on your wedding day. Create your own traditions. Ask yourself, why do I feel that the wedding dress has to be white? Do I even want to wear a dress? Does it matter to me or someone else? And if you do want to wear a big white dress, go for it, as long as it’s YOUR decision!
Giving the Bride Away
The father ‘giving the bride away’ came from the historical idea that you went from your father’s ownership to your husband’s. Now, it’s seen more as the father giving his blessing.
This tradition always made me feel uncomfortable. A woman is not a property that can be given away to another human being. The father or the mother or the family don’t own her, they are not allowing her to get married, they are not giving her away to another man so that he can take care of her and she can sit at home like a delicate flower, knitting and popping babies out. I will walk myself down the aisle, because I am my own person.
Bridesmaids and Groomsmen
The first ever bridesmaid appeared in the bible, each wife brought a female servant to the ceremony; they were literally the brides’ ‘maids’.
The groomsmen, on the other hand, revolved around abducting the bride from her family. This bizarre and rather scary tradition started as early as Biblical times and unfortunately still continues today in many parts of the world. In other traditions, groomsmen acted as the bride’s knights and they rescued her from the disproving family to reunite her with the man that she loves, so they could get married despite the family’s feelings towards the union. It is believed that the best man’s role originated in the 16th century. He was the one to kidnap the bride and to stand next to her during the ceremony to make sure she didn’t run away.
The tradition of bridesmaids wearing the same design and colour dresses evolved in ancient Rome. The bridal party acted as a diversion to protect the bride and the groom from evil spirits, in addition to jealous ex’s and anybody else who could potentially ruin the ceremony.
Nowadays, the focal point of the wedding is to make the bride stand out; surrounding her with her closest friends and loved ones (the bridesmaids), dresses matching to the theme of the overall wedding. Groomsmen to follow suit.
Many of these “traditions” have shifted and we no longer have bridesmaids and groomsmen to protect the about to be newlyweds from evil, but if the ritual of having bridesmaids and groomsmen in the first place never came about, would we even think to having a bridal party? Do we need to have bridesmaids and groomsmen? To legally get married in the UK, you only need two witnesses. Perhaps it’s something to think about.
Hen Do’s and Stag Do’s
Back in the day hen and stag do’s were a form of ceremony or a ritual to mark the transition from being single to being married. Cycle changes such as birth, marriage and death were always considered very significant, yet dangerous and difficult periods of time. As a result, these customs were created to help people navigate these challenging times. There were so many different superstitions surrounding weddings and marriage...for example getting married in May was considered bad luck, therefore no one tied the knot in May or being a bridesmaid three times meant you will be single forever. Crazy!
The stag party can be traced back to ancient Greece. It was in Sparta that the night before the wedding was celebrated by the men with a huge feast and lots of wine. The term stag, referencing a male deer, represents the leader of the pack; a virile and strong animal in the prime of their lives.
The hen and stag do’s became the customary pre-wedding tradition in the 1960s. The term ‘hen party’ was first heard in America in the late 19th century, but back then, hen parties were the main events of the week for the middle and upper class women, who would meet in each other’s homes to play games and have afternoon tea.
This made it to the UK in the early 20th century. In the 1960’s UK, there was a ‘marriage bar’ for women, which meant that there was a restriction on employing married women. There was an expectation that as soon as a woman was married she would give up work to become a housewife and a mother. But, with the invention of successful birth control, there was a sexual revolution, meaning women finally had their first sip of freedom.
By the 1980's, hen and stag’s became a one night at the pub with your friends thing and by the 1990’s the parties started losing their relevance. It was no longer considered ‘the last night of freedom’, as by this time many couples were living together before marriage.
Of course, due to commercialisation, both hen and stag do’s have had a huge and successful resurgence in recent years. Companies realised that it’s a great money-making scheme, which saw the boom in fancy dress costumes, limousines, penis shaped everything and, how can we forget, strippers. In fact, with the recent uptake in stag and hen do’s abroad, the average marital celebration costs £507. Maybe you should ask your mates to start saving now.
Maybe we re-write what hen do’s and stag do’s actually mean. Instead of it being these expensive, binge drinking, stripper filled weekends, we get together to celebrate the amazing women (and/or men) in our lives; to celebrate our most precious friendships, in turn celebrating the couple’s union and their deep love for each other. Hen do’s and stag do’s shouldn’t be an expensive obligation, but a colourful celebration of friendships and love.
Written by Amelia Karr
Amelia (she/her), 29, is a passionate, ambitious person who always has an opinion and isn’t afraid to speak up and step out of the lane. She is an intuitive, trauma-conscious yoga and pilates teacher, mindfulness meditation coach, feminist, activist, writer, chronic illness and mental health advocate.
Her main focus as a teacher/coach is to guide people how to reconnect with themselves, their bodies and how to live more intentionally and mindfully. Her aim is to remove expectation and perfectionism away from body movement by creating a space, where people can learn to slow down on and off the mat and enjoy movement as a way of celebrating what their bodies and minds are capable of; all whilst tapping into how to be the most authentic and powerful selves. She is someone who is very open about her own chronic illness and mental health journey and this is why she strongly advocates and raises awareness around these issues, in addition to feminism, climate change, current world events and LGBTQ+.
