Wedding Traditions: I Do or Do I? (Part 2)
Ok, speeches
Yet another patriarchal tradition. Usually women are seen and not heard at their own wedding. They are the ones who take hours to get ready, but after the vows, it’s the men who get to talk; the groom, the best man, the father of the bride. They all get to make speeches, while the bride sits there quietly like a good little girl, looking pretty. I absolutely say no to this stupid tradition. I want to hear the bride speak, her mother or sister, her best friends! Give women the mic back boys!
Side note, did you know that it’s even tradition to put men before women on a wedding invitation? Heck no patriarchy, I shall put all female names on the invitations first.
Vows
Back in the day, vows were there to help couples express how they tend to steer their lives together, what they mean to give to this marriage and how they relate to one another. They promised to love and to hold until death do us part. People would meet, get engaged, get married and then move in to live together, thus needing to demonstrate how they are going to contribute to this marriage.
Now, many couples live together for many years before they decide that they want to get married and at that point you should really know the intentions of the person you are going to marry and spend the rest of your life with. Many couples take the time to talk about all of these things before the big day, as they have already began to build their lives together, prior to the wedding.
Many of the old, traditional vows are also religious. You are making a commitment, promises to each other, but to God as well. And as someone who is not religious in any way, I think couples should make their own vows. Tell the person you’re marrying in your own way how much they mean to you, how much you love them. Vows must be personal. I’ve been to weddings before where family members and friends read out poems and passages from books that mean a lot to the couple and I thought that was truly lovely.
Wedding Rings
The first wedding rings can be traced back to the ancient Egyptians. They exchanged ‘rings of love’ made from braided reeds and hemp. They saw the ring, a circle, as a powerful symbol; the band with no end, represented eternal life and love. They placed the rings on the now known ‘ring finger’ of the left hand as they believed that there was a ‘vein of love’ that ran from this finger directly to the heart.
Wedding bands continued to evolve through the ages and had many different meanings. Today, it’s a symbol of commitment to one another. Couples also have a lot more choice and freedom on what wedding rings they would like to wear. Get creative, choose something that you love, something that symbolises your love.
I like the idea of exchanging a little token of love as a promise to each other and if you don’t want it to be rings, it could be that you choose a different type of jewellery or no bling at all and it’s something else entirely.
Wedding Cake
It’s believed that the first ‘wedding cake’ dates back to ancient Greece and Rome, where a cake of barley or wheat was broken over the bride’s head, in the belief it would bring the couple good fortune in their marriage.
In the 16th and 17th centuries, a ‘bride’s pie’, was served at weddings, which dates back to 1685, but it was filled with oysters, lamb testicles and some other horrid stuff. Over time this evolved into a fruit cake, which was known as the ‘groom’s cake’. The larger the cake, the better social standing. White icing also became more popular – symbolising purity and virginity, much like the wedding dress. It was also an indicator of wealth and social importance in the Victorian times.
What about the cutting of the cake? The cake cutting represents the first activity done as a couple, although historically the bride did the cutting alone to symbolise the loss of her virginity. Another cake tradition is the act of the bride and the groom feeding each other. This signifies a commitment to provide for one another and it’s a show of love and affection. As long as my new husband doesn’t think it’s funny to squash the cake against my face, I’m all good. I love cake.
Last and perhaps my favourite cake tradition - saving the top tier of the cake to eat on the first wedding anniversary. A cute way to celebrate and reflect on the first year together as a married couple.
First Dance
The tradition of the first dance goes back to the 17th century Europe. This was when formal balls, just like in Bridgerton, were very popular and the guest of honour would open up the first dance. In this case, it’s the married couple.
Going way back, when the groom/groomsmen would steal the bride, the first dance was a chance for the groom to show off his new wife to his friends before the celebrations could begin.
At the moment, Ed Sheeran’s ‘Thinking Out Loud’ and ‘Perfect’, along with John Legend’s ‘All of Me’ are the top choices for newlywed couple’s first dance, but of course that will soon change as the times and traditions enter a new phase.
I love to dance and I am a musical person, so I love the idea of a first dance. Dancing for the first time as a married couple to the song you both love, a song that means something or a song that represent you both. Although, I think it’s absolutely down to everyone to make their choices of how they would like to celebrate. I know many couples don’t have a special song, or they are not into music, so might be a strange thing to do or if you hate being in the centre of attention this is definitely not the one for you. Do what feels right for you! Dance or not to dance?
Taking Your Husband’s Name
For many people, someone’s name is a very potent symbol of their identity, lineage and culture. This is exactly why most men never even think about changing their name, nor should they, but nor should the women. No one should sacrifice their identity and merge with someone else’s. Two people coming together to spend the rest of their lives together doesn’t mean that they are one. They are still two individuals with dreams, fears, needs.
Back in the day of course, this was once again the doings of the patriarchy; women were objects, they were things men owned and therefore they took the husband’s name, no questions asked.
And can we just talk a little bit about how when a cisgender, straight couple gets married, the man remains a ‘Mr’, but a woman becomes a ‘Mrs’ and if the couple ever get a divorce, the man remains a ‘Mr’ and the woman becomes a ‘Ms’. Yet another way to keep tabs and control over women. It is like society must mark women's availability for marriage or to shame women when they get divorced, because apparently that is the only thing we are here to do on this earth. I vote we drop titles altogether, because frankly they are not inclusive of the LGBTQ+ communities and I think they are incredibly old-fashioned.
Honeymoon
Honeymoon’s first began in 19th century Britain. Newlyweds would travel to visit various relatives who had been unable to attend the wedding, which sounds dreadful and certainly not as relaxing as lying on the beach in the Maldives.
It wasn’t until the late 1800s that the modern concept of honeymooning became a thing. There are several theories of how honeymoons became, one being the whole kidnapping thing again. When will this end (rolls eyes)...the word honeymoon came from the Nordic word ‘hjunottsmanathr’ – a term when the bride got kidnapped and hidden away from her family. It’s so disturbing.
Second theory can be traced back to the 16th century, when Authors Richard Huloet and Samuel Johnson came up with the term, ‘hony mone’, meaning the short period of time after the wedding when the couple is happy. They believed after that, it was all downhill from there. Romance.
Lastly, wedding guests would give the newlyweds mead as a gift. Mead, an alcohol made from honey, was thought to help with fertility, so after the couple’s first night together, they would drink the mead together to celebrate. Fair enough.
What can I say? A honeymoon is my favourite part of the whole idea of having a wedding! Who doesn’t want to go on a romantic getaway, eat delicious food, drink cocktails, lie on the beach, and celebrate and enjoy each other’s company? I am saying YES to the honeymoon!
And what about the waste created by the wedding?
On average just one wedding can produce as much as 20kg of plastic waste! But it’s not just plastic which has a huge impact on the planet, food wastage is also a very common theme of many weddings. A study done by Sainsbury’s reveals figures on this:
On average, £488 is wasted on food at every wedding
15% of people would only eat one or two of their three courses
The same number, 15% of newlyweds would throw the remains of their cake away
37% of guests don’t eat edible wedding favours
To put that wastage into perspective, the average family will throw away roughly £700 in food in one year. A few hours at one wedding can account for 65% of a home’s wastage across the entire year!
UK weddings are also one of the top offenders when it comes to CO2 contributions. As many as 14.5 tonnes of the gas will be created during an average celebration. That is a huge figure, given annual carbon emission per capita in the UK is just 9.1 tonnes. With roughly 250,000 weddings taking place every year, that’s a net result of 3,625,000 tonnes of gas being emitted.
Wow, shocking! Of course, there are plenty of ways you can make your wedding eco-friendly, sustainable and zero-waste!
The Verdict
There are so many different wedding traditions to explore and I think it’s important to know the origins of each of these traditions, so when it comes to making the decisions of what to include you can be fully informed. Obviously, all of those traditions can be adapted and changed to suit you. But I can’t help but think why we are still carrying on with so many without raising any questions.
Many people who are already married have said to me, “as soon as you get engaged and begin to even think about having a wedding, it’s no longer about you, it’s no longer about celebrating the union of two people, of their love for each other, it becomes all about politics; about keeping everyone happy.” I loathe that more than anything. We people please our whole lives, this is the one time I would like to do what I want without any interruptions or opinions, without having to invite people who do not respect us as a couple, who do not support us, care about us or love us.
Weddings these days have become a little bit of a show, who is going to do it better. It shouldn’t be a competition. It should be a celebration of love with the absolute closest family and friends. I admit, I am a romantic and the notion of a wedding really appealed to me for many, many years; not because I wanted to have a big wedding to say look at me, but I have always been a believer in love, no matter what happened to me and no matter how many times I got hurt, I couldn’t wait to marry the love of my life and throw a wedding of OUR dreams. There should be zero pressure to have the perfect wedding, a traditional wedding or to have a wedding at all.
None of these outdated, old traditions are inclusive of the LGBTQ+ community and in fact of other cultures too. Maybe it’s time we rethink this and let go of some of these silly traditions that people created centuries ago and are based on religion, superstition and patriarchy. It’s time to step into a new decade, to create our own rules, our own traditions. Stop listening to the outside noise, what do you want? What resonates with you as a couple? Who cares if that is going to upset your mother-in-law or any other people for that matter...do whatever you like.
At the end of the day, your wedding day is all about you and your partner, don’t like the idea of a boring, dry fruitcake? Have your favourite cake flavour instead, your favourite food, music, flowers. Don’t want to invite certain family members, because you have zero connection to them, don’t invite them! Let me put it this way, would you buy that person a £150 dinner? If it’s a hell no… well you have your answer. Remember, you are the ones who will have to look back on your special day and you should really have no regrets on the day that you had.
I believe many brides, including myself, are afraid to step out of the lane and have the weddings that they truly desire. They are afraid of judgement and scrutiny, particularly from family members. We have been conditioned by cyclical, systems that this is what we should be doing, wearing; this is how the wedding should look like, this is what we need to have, these are the people we need to invite...and it’s hard to break free from years of patriarchal indoctrination. DO IT! It’s going to be so worth it!
And if you’re like me and you keep getting the feelings of FOMO (fear of missing out) if you are not having a traditional wedding, ask yourself do you want this or that, why do you feel like you are missing out? Is it because that is how you feel or is it because you have been conditioned to feel this way?
Good luck to anyone planning a wedding and navigating all of the traditions. Remember, it is YOUR DAY!
Written by Amelia Karr
Amelia (she/her), 29, is a passionate, ambitious person who always has an opinion and isn’t afraid to speak up and step out of the lane. She is an intuitive, trauma-conscious yoga and pilates teacher, mindfulness meditation coach, feminist, activist, writer, chronic illness and mental health advocate.
Her main focus as a teacher/coach is to guide people how to reconnect with themselves, their bodies and how to live more intentionally and mindfully. Her aim is to remove expectation and perfectionism away from body movement by creating a space, where people can learn to slow down on and off the mat and enjoy movement as a way of celebrating what their bodies and minds are capable of; all whilst tapping into how to be the most authentic and powerful selves. She is someone who is very open about her own chronic illness and mental health journey and this is why she strongly advocates and raises awareness around these issues, in addition to feminism, climate change, current world events and LGBTQ+.
