12 Days of Christmas: A Letter To My Grateful Soul
Christmas is coming, and it’s always a great moment to look at what you’re grateful for, but boy was 2020 one year where gratefulness was hard to find. I’m the person that usually sees everything that can go wrong before seeing all that can go right. There are pros and cons lists scattered around my flat, and it makes me great at organizing an event, or doing a strategy, because I’m prepared at all times, but not many people want to sit next to me when I go through this process.
I promise I’m an optimistic person, but I’m also one ridden with anxiety, and thinking of the solutions to all that can go wrong, actually calms me down and makes me someone you’d like to sit next to (at least sometimes). However, from maybe February onwards, I can’t say I have been my usual optimistic self, I’ve pretty much flown under the radar in fight or flight mode for most of the year. I get stressed, but this year triggered everything it could have possibly triggered and more, all in a short span of time, and it was hard to see a silver lining anywhere around.
So that is why I think it was important for me to get into thinking about all the good stuff that happened all year round, because there was so much goodness that popped out of adversity. Once you see the good, you can’t unsee it any longer, so let’s dive in.
So, let’s start at the beginning, shall we? We had a good Christmas last year, filled with lots of joy, I got to spend it at home with my parents and brother, surrounded by love and happiness. January is my brother’s birthday month, so I got to see where he studies and how cool Manchester is (again), along with seeing my parents visit for the first time. February is my birthday month, and I spent it surrounded by cheer, and dressed as a disco ball, because why not, but also working an inordinate amounts of hours, because it was fashion month.
And then came March. Jesus what possessed this month in 2020? It was stressful beyond relief, took out a huge toll on all of our mental health, and lockdown everywhere came along with it. I nipped on the last flight for the foreseeable future to Romania, to spend the lockdown I thought would be a few weeks long with my parents and brother. Mind you, I moved from home 7 years ago, and did not look back, the most I spent at home were a few weeks of summer and the Christmas break(even that one not in its entirety), and here I was facing the daunting moments of not knowing when I’ll see my boyfriend, when I’ll see my flat(I live in London, so it was an expensive thought) and when I’ll see my friends and all the beautiful places that made me fall in love with London in the first place.
I didn’t realize it at that moment, but looking back, it was a good decision, because it made me so much more grateful for the amazing people I have around me. It opened my eyes to what was actually hurting my mental health, to how to talk about it to other people. I have friends who have known me for years and years, and never had a clue that I wasn’t just their stressy friend who was always prepared, I was like that because it calmed my brain(I know, weird, right?).
I started a blog, that sadly wasn’t taken care of enough (but maybe to be added on my new year’s resolutions), but then I found The Everyday, and it really offered me another chance to write. I’m incredibly grateful to this magazine for getting my creative juices flowing, but also for challenging my ideas of what writing needs to be and how it needs to be done. Every month of lockdown brought a new host of challenges for every aspect of my life, but it also showed how people are brought together. How even the smallest solutions make a big difference and how people look on the brighter side when faced with months of things not working their way.
I rekindled friendships I thought I lost, I learned how to rest, and how to set better boundaries. I learned a lot about my capacity to succeed, and also learnt that if you don’t ask, you don’t get. It’s a learning curve, but I do view this pandemic as a positive in my life (if anyone can believe this), because it opened my eyes to what I disliked about the industry I work in, and how with every little person setting their boundaries better, we get a better working environment. It showcased I need to first believe in my ideas, to then voice them out loud and be kept accountable by friends who see what I can do better than I do.
I’m grateful for the amazing humans in my life without whom I would have never been inspired to dream bigger and fearlessly. I am incredibly grateful to my parents and my upbringing, to be able to spend 4 and a half months with them, never thought I’d do that in my adult life after moving countries. Grateful for the grit they taught me about, and the pride in coming from Romania, that was rekindled by all the hard stuff that this pandemic has brought, and that it keeps on bringing.
I’m eternally grateful to finding someone who loves me for who I am, and deals with my anxiety like a normal person, without whom I wouldn’t have survived unscathed and long distance across a continent. This year has proven harder than others, but oh so much better. Getting the chance to have some well-deserved time off opened my eyes to what I can do for myself, but also for others, and this is the thought I take with me in 2021.
Gratefulness is a big part of who I am, but I often forget to put it in perspective, and this is one of my learnings for the next year. Bring it on because we now all know there is so much more we can take and do than we thought before. We’re all more powerful than we thought we were, and no matter how hard it gets, we can get through it all surrounded by those who believe in us, and know when to offer a push if needed. It might be hard for a while, but never forget to ‘keep on swimming’, you’ll get there.
May 2021 be the best year yet to come!
Written by Andra Maier
Working in fashion teaches you a lot of things, but it leaves little space for creativity outside of work, because we are ‘always available’. Having a creative space is something important in my ‘switching off’ process, and writing comes easiest, especially in busy times. I love everything fashion and food related. If I am not found writing or scribbling, I am found reading the latest fiction releases, fan-girling over Harry Potter or some pretty shoes, and writing for my blog. Being able to express myself outside of work boundaries is freeing and incredible, and honing the creative spirit is one of the main resolutions I had for 2020.