A Brief Examination of the Importance of Female Friendship in the 21st Century: Stresses and Strains
“Among the largely unacknowledged truths of contemporary female life is that women’s foundational relationships are as likely to be with one another as they are with the romantic partners who, we’re told, are supposed to complete us” 1)
What some women find in their female friends, often absent in romantic partnerships:
Female friendships have been underpinning women’s lives since time immemorial. Historically when women married purely for economic reasons, it was often their female friends who would provide emotional and intellectual support, a deep understanding and solace, unavailable within the marriage.
Angie and Annie are a case in point, though a modern-day version. They met at work aged 24 and became friends at a point in their lives when their careers were developing, and they were establishing roots in a new city. They found in one another, a sense of shared and common purpose, interests, and values. They were one another’s confidante, enjoying new experiences and growing together. Both agreed that their friendship was ‘the real thing’ citing certain aspects that helped them feel mutually valued, understood, and supported: being there when it matters, being dependable and supportive, welcoming the other’s successes/not being threatened by them, being self-sufficient and not making demands on the other’s time. Twenty years on, they are enjoying careers, have partners and children and live on different continents. Their friendship remains rock-solid, offering consistent understanding and solace not found in other significant relationships.
Why female friendships can be so significant:
Given the importance of female friendship (chosen family) - and the joy and comfort it can bring, little airtime is given to it possibly because tight female friendships are almost assumed, and deemed ‘normal’ therefore unremarkable? Often when getting to know someone, we might enquire about the existence of a partner but not about the existence of close female friends.
The aim of this discussion is to explore the special connection that can exist between female friends, also examining what can happen when these friendships expire gradually or suddenly, as well as the strain put on them due to the pandemic.
So why are female friendships paramount in some women’s lives? Strong and healthy female friendships can be empowering, providing a mutually emotional support system, be it advice-giving, holding confidences or listening.
Whilst romantic partners might be considered their counterparts, there is something unique about the platonic female bond that some women have with each other. To quote Beyonce, singer, songwriter, actress :
“I love my husband, but it is nothing like a conversation with a woman that understands you. I grow so much from those conversations”2)
Has Covid-19 changed some female friendships irrevocably?
But, as experienced in many relationships (be they family, romantic or professional) the pandemic has tested friendships in recent months, having thrown up one of the most significant social issues faced by modern society: a social life managed remotely. At the height of the lockdowns, without technology such as Zoom, Facetime, WhatsApp etc, social lives would have been scant. However, for many, remote socialising offered no meaningful substitute. Connecting remotely can on occasion give the impression of a false closeness, that can lead to a lack of effort with in-person day-to-day relationships.
Above the pressure of keeping up with virtual friendships, the fractures created during the pandemic by disagreements over others’ lockdown behaviours and vaccinations creates a perfect breeding ground for tension. For some, it might feel like pulling a thread in a carpet, and watching a gaping hole appear.
We know that the pandemic has undoubtedly transformed social interactions: many have been physically cut-off from those important people in their lives and for some this has changed the way they see their friends. Friendships per se are often subject to various external forces that either strengthen or eat away at them and the pandemic has undoubtedly thrown up challenges for friendships, and been a catalyst, say for those friendships that may have naturally faded. But what happens when friendships perish overnight with no ostensible reason?
When it all falls apart at the seams:
In this next part, we will look at some of the common complications that can arise within female friendships, particularly following their sudden and unexpected demise . The ‘dumped’, is often left wondering why it happened, whether they might have anticipated it and whether they had a role in the demise. Whilst looking at possible reasons can be painful, it can be helpful to consider the ‘dumper’s’ position.
Firstly though, it’s important to differentiate between ‘friend-dumping’ and natural drifting apart. When people drift apart, it’s usually gradual: for example, contact reduces over time, occurring naturally- what bonded the friendship originally, such as work, proximity, early parenthood, is no more. It is two-way implicit agreement for which both take responsibility. Being cut off however, is very different.
Friendships can enjoy a natural ebb and flow with occasional disagreements occurring. Those aware of what healthy relationships look like, won’t let a disagreement affect the friendship irrevocably, rather they allow for time to heal.
Besides (un)intentionally hurting someone, there are myriad reasons for ‘friend-dumping’, the reasons often having nothing to do with the ‘dumped’: Some examples of this might be:
Scorekeeping: those initiating the cut-off may subconsciously adopt a credit/withdrawal system: when all is well, credit, when not, withdrawal. This might be explained, by the ‘dumper’ playing by friendship ‘rules’ that the ‘dumped’ wasn’t aware of.
Emotional inaccessibility: the ‘dumper’ may struggle to handle conflict assertively and cannot reveal what’s bothering them about the ‘dumped’ and possibly never will. This might be due to fear of being vulnerable with another and this can manifest itself as passive-aggression or ‘ghosting’, leaving the ‘dumped’ wondering what happened.
Users: for myriad historical reasons, some struggle to form healthy relationships and see all relations in terms of what the other can do for them/what use they have? Once that’s accomplished, their friend becomes superfluous. It can be tough for the ‘dumped’ that the ‘dumper’ didn’t regard the friendship in the same way as they did.
Control: there are those who feel they should be the one calling the shots in their friendships –how their friends should be, where they go and with whom-essentially deciding how all aspects of the friendship are navigated.
Self-Protection: sometimes the reasons aren’t as shadowy as the ones above. At times, people initiate the cut-off because they feel some sort of negativity about the friendship. And have been for a while, the other person in the relationship being completely unaware. Rather than speak about it, some might just feel more comfortable fleeing, particularly if they are conflict-avoidant. This fight-or-flight response, by removing themselves from the friendship, seems less threatening.
It is worth noting that for some, friendship break-ups hurt more than romantic ones. In romantic relationships, there’s often a breaking-up ‘procedure’, which can eventually lead to a sense of closure. But there no such model for ended friendships, so it can feel more confusing. Likewise, there is an expectation that not all romantic relationships last forever-should friendships be viewed similarly?
Also, many romantic relationships have clearly defined stages: dating, co-habiting, marriage/civil partnership. However, that’s not the case in friendships. Because it is harder to define expectations in platonic relationships, friends might not be on the same wavelength, which can contribute to a break-up, making it more difficult to process.
After a romantic break-up, the two parties tend to discuss its parameters: will they be friends, cut ties or be polite if they meet in a social/professional context. Again, such negotiation is almost unheard of in friendship break-ups.
For many, prolonged heartbreak is almost a given after a romantic breakup. But since friendships and friendship break-ups are given little airtime and can be more unexpected, the hurt can come as a shock and the pain, tangible.
Unfortunately, coping with the fallout of a broken friendship is not within the scope of this piece, but suffice it to say, that such heartbreak does need airing and acknowledging as an important part of female life in modern society
And so, to end…
The powerful words of London-based Australian author, Kate Leaver provide an apposite way to conclude our examination.
“Sure, friendship can be brittle and complex and fallible, and so can we, but I have spoken to so many women who cherish their girlfriends in the most powerful way. Through staggering grief, depression, loss, cancer, trauma, domestic violence, emotional abuse, career failure, infertility, loneliness and death, women consistently find ways to hold one another’s hands and just get through” 3)
References:
1) Rebecca Traister, What Women Find in Friends That They May Not Get From Love, New York Times 27/2/16
Written by Jennifer Pitt
Jennifer is a counsellor/psychotherapist accredited by the British Association of Counselling & Psychotherapy (BACP). She has been in practice for nearly 20 years and much of her clinical work in that time has been with female clients aged anywhere between 11 and 111! Many of them have brought to therapy, at one time or another, the enormous and very special role that their female friendships play in their lives, and the profound grief that can ensue when a friendship withers.
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