Sex Toys: Reframing the View and Enjoyability of Sex for People Who Find Sex Painful
A recent NHS survey discovered that 1 in 13 cis women experience painful sex, yet even though it is so common, many people still feel unable to open up about it, or struggle to find support when they do. For years the act of penetrative sex has been the dominate narrative of sexual discovery, but what, if like me, you can’t have sexual intercourse due to pain? You invest in a sex toy.
First things first, what causes painful penetrative sex?
Painful sex is nothing to be ashamed of, it is never your fault and there is nothing you have done to cause this. There are many reasons for painful sex, from vaginal dryness, vaginal infections, vaginismus, endometriosis, pelvic inflammatory disease, interstitial cystitis, pelvic floor dysfunction or vulvodynia to name a few. If you experience painful sex consult with your GP or local sexual health clinic, if your concerns are dismissed or you feel like they aren’t taking you seriously (eg. tell you to drink a glass of wine to loosen up), then seek a second opinion. There are plenty of things you can do to help with painful sex from relaxation exercises, pelvic floor physiotherapy to psychosexual therapy. There is help out there and you are not alone in this.
The importance of lubricant
One of the main causes of painful sex is vaginal dryness and this is where lubricant comes in. It acts as a buffer, helping ease pain caused by friction, no matter how wet you get, you can always get wetter, so it’s best to invest in a good lubricant that works for you. My favourite brand is Yes Organics, it’s a natural water-based lubricant that is designed for sensitive vaginas and is available on NHS prescription through your GP.
Stimulation, stimulation, stimulation
The clitoris is the primary source of most womxn’s sexual pleasure. It isn’t simply what we see on the outside, with three quarters of the clitoris not being visible. Studies have ranged it in sizes from 1.5 to 5.5mm but this doubles in size when aroused. Our clitoris is home to over 8,000 nerve endings, which is double the nerve endings you find in the penis. It also never ages, so whether a clitoris is 35 or 85, it will still look the same. And what’s most amazing about it, is that it is the only organ in humans that has no function other than to give us pleasure – that’s pretty powerful!
Now that we know how important the clitoris is, it’s time to show it some attention and that’s where sex toys come in. If you struggle with clitoral stimulation or experiencing orgasms, there are sex toys to help you, with many of them being designed with this in mind. Wands, bullets, vibes, they are all created for one thing – the clitoris.
Sex toys to help with painful sex
There are now sex toys available that have been made for people who find sex painful. For those struggling with painful intercourse The Oh Nut is a revolutionary tool that can help control penetration. This silicone donut sits on the penis or dildo and acts as a thrust buffer. Designed by Emily Sauer, who herself struggled with painful sex for over a decade, it is made from stretchy silicone and can be adjusted to suit your needs. Another firm favourite is the Eva II from Dame. This wearable vibrator is designed to be placed inside your vulva to sit over your clitoris, it has little arms that tuck under your labia securing it in place, meaning you can enjoy handsfree stimulation, it can be used with partners, but also is a great vibe that you can experiment with solo.
My experience with sex toys & sexual pain
For a long time, I struggled to process finding sex painful. I felt broken. I equated my ability to be able to have penetrative sex with my femininity. I didn’t feel like I was a real womxn, whatever that is. I couldn’t see myself in a sexual way, I wanted to be like my friends, I longed to be able to explore my sexuality, without worrying about how. When I speak with others going through this now on the other side, I know I wasn’t alone in feeling that way, that many people who experience painful sex feel like it’s something they have done wrong, or that there is something wrong with them – nothing could be further from the truth and this is where sex toys can challenge and reframe that mindset.
For myself this journey of quite literal self-love is not only important, but essential. After so many years of failing to see myself as a sexual being, because I couldn’t have penetration, being able to explore the sexual badass within, without the fear of pain, has been an important step on discovering what makes me, me. Being able to re-frame my thinking about my vulva, from one of burning pain and anger to one of orgasms and letting go, it’s been refreshingly empowering challenging my body’s default ‘sore as shit’ setting, to one of ‘holy shit.’ There’s power in my clitoris and not being able to have penetrative sex, can’t take that away from me.
No one should feel they cannot be sexual if they feel pain during piv (penis in vagina) sex; no should feel like they cannot embrace their sexuality in a way that feels good for them. We need to see sex toys as an active player, that can help put a focus on clitoral stimulation, on orgasms and exploring self-pleasure at our own pace.
Written by Sarah Rose
Sarah Rose is a freelance writer from Belfast who writes about all things pelvic pain. She uses her Instagram platform mypelvicpain to share her journey with endometriosis and raise awareness around this condition and its impact on her life. Sarah’s sole aim is to help others and ensure that no one ever has to suffer in silence again.