Sobriety Without Accolades

Dry January just ended, and many people choose to completely ignore it in favour of a very wet one! I don't bloody blame you, life is challenging enough right now so yes, enjoy your tipples, why not. But for some it may have been a good opportunity to kick the habit. A starting point to make healthy changes. This last year has been really difficult for everybody, but definitely more for some. I suspect many have slipped into old habits or fallen completely and don’t feel good about it. This is a new start, potentially!

Several people I know proudly share their AA chips, and quite right too. A year, 3, 5, 25! I applaud their efforts for it is an effort and for some a really difficult one, daily, hourly. It hasn’t been that way for me and I sometimes feel slightly fraudulent about that. I simply had one blackout too many, one forgotten night that left a lot of questions with no answers, definitely too many poor choices and uncomfortable outcomes and far too many frankly existential hangovers to count!

I decided on New Years Day in 2004 to stop drinking for a bit, it wasn’t my first time taking a break but this one, somehow, inexplicably, seems to have lasted all this time and I feel there’s no going back now. Maybe when I’m 80 I’ll take up gin again and smoke a fat doobie, who knows, but for now, this “for a bit” thing suits me much better.

After looking into it I note that you get a chip for 24 hours, then every month after that, a bronze one when you make a year, then annually after that, I think. That tells me how truly hard it is for people with real addiction. And do you have to start right at the bottom again if you fall off the wagon? I imagine so. For me, this prize and pressure system would have made me annoyed and likely fail. I just know AA isn’t for me. I understand myself well enough to know I’m a bloody minded bugger and would likely go and get a double vodka after a meeting for the want of rinsing my brain of all that self pitying bollocks...but I stress, this is just my experience.

I know it’s a controversial statement to make but I just know how I’m wired, I accept that my bitter experiences with other people have left me cynical and bruised. My mum nearly married an alcoholic when I was around 11 and I saw ALL his manipulative and messy ways; emotional blackmail, lying, drunk driving (with me in the ruddy car), angry shouting, extreme apologising (after the drunk driving and hitting the gate post twice), manic laughing, pathetic crying, massive overcompensating, total underachieving and drunken embarrassing behaviours. I believe AA might have done him the world of good! Mum nearly gave it all up for him, our home and security and the way we lived, but thankfully her lightbulb moment came before all that.

As you can plainly see, the evils of spirit are a terrible thing, beer’s ok though!

I know it works for people, despite the general stats and failure rate being high. That’s a massive part of the process. I used to think it was because AA was faulty, but I realised that it’s because addiction is pernicious and extremely difficult to break. Addicts boomerang between states for a long time before they get on the right path for them. It’s why I feel quite sure I’m not an alcoholic. It was too easy for me, really it was.

I’ve known alcoholics of many types, I’m pretty sure we all do. Many high functioning adults have addiction issues and hide it well. Again, that’s part of it. Our novel idea of it is a fairly old fashioned and convenient image I think, Dickensian almost. The down and out, smelly old torn clothes, drinking something foul on the stoops of slums. Or it’s the men who sing crude songs too loudly and grope and sneer and fight, the women who catfight and fishwife their way through the day. In Hogarth’s well known depictions of life on the hard streets, Gin Lane, in support of the Gin Act of 1751, was an attempt to show the horrors of the evil beverage. Conversely Beer Lane tried to show the benefits of beer as an alternative.

But beer isn’t ok, not for me anyway. I can’t seem to do moderation, not all the time. I only seemed to do excess when it came to the drinking. It wasn’t really about the substance, it was the nerves. Booze is like a magic wand, it helps you overcome your social anxiety, your worries, yourself! At least it makes you feel like it does. Inhibitions are a useful tool against stupidity, lose them and the gateway is wide open, and I walked through it brazenly. With a beer in hand, a shot to follow, some vodka and tonics too, another shot, more beer...I’d waltz into a realm of late night drinking holes and dodgy liaisons. In my ever sorry for myself quest for acceptance and love I would drunkenly flirt. I’d scan the room and see who I fancied that I might have a chance with, fix on them like a missile, not let go until I hit the target or got blown to pieces in the effort. Not pretty. I’d stay out very late, usually alone at this point, too drunk for friends, trying not to puke up the beer I was still knocking back. Feeling like the night was a failure if I didn’t at least get a snog! Pathetic isn’t it. That’s how it felt, I knew it, but I couldn't stop myself. Kept throwing myself at ‘em until they were too drunk to fight me off!

And the blackouts, they happened occasionally, sometimes little glitches, leaving you with a sort of snapshot version of your night with half remembered wonky timelines. Other times whole chunks are missing. Coming to in strange places with people you don’t know. Sometimes dodgy people at that. I was lucky I got out. Really lucky.

That New Years Eve into 2004 was ok until after the turn of midnight, I hit pumpkin realms pretty quickly. I was in a place I didn’t go to very much so it was a bit unfamiliar, an old hotel with a bar. Had a sort of house party/clubhouse vibe. Very cliquey. I knew I was really pissed but I don’t remember a single thing between about 1am and 3pm the next day when I woke up in my bed feeling really odd. There was a sort of ominous absence of something, or maybe someone. I still remember how the room felt. It wasn’t the usual sort of hangover, I felt a different kind of sick, I was sick, I’m hardly ever sick! I didn’t know if someone had been there with me, helped me, or if I’d wobbled home alone on my bike. I’d made it in one piece thank goodness. Sort of. This was the jolt I needed to snap me out of it. It scared me. Really scared me. So I made the decision that day to knock it on the head for a while.

At first it was weird, a bit difficult, but something had altered in my head so it wasn’t that difficult. I didn’t alter my lifestyle much, still pubbing and partying and hanging out with my boozer mates, staying up all night after going out, talking nonsense til dawn, being silly, giddy, messy. One memorable New Years Even after a lot of shenanigans out on the town I ended up with one of my best friends and his mate, they were tripping on mushrooms and we had the most funny, brilliant, memorable night. I still think of it fondly now and we all still laugh about it. I realised quite clearly that night that it wasn’t the booze that made me socially wild and free, it was me. I had a sort of epiphany, some nights just click! I didn’t need the magic potion to set me free, I was the magic potion.

I very, very rarely miss it, just occasionally, usually at 3am with a group of friends when things start to get weird and I’m not really part of the ride. But again, I realise that isn’t always about the drunkenness, it’s about the magic; some nights you get it, some you don’t.

Many people ask why I don't drink, usually very politely and out of curiosity. My answer is something along the lines of; “because I was drinking too much and being a bit of a wanker; maudlin and randy is the very worst combination!” This usually raises a laugh and so halts the awkwardness that might be building.

Some people don’t seem to get it and say mad things like, “Go on, go on, have a shot, it’s only one, it’s your birthday, what harm can it do?” which I find easy to bat away, but for anyone who is travelling a day to day path of anguish and suffering, that could be extremely dangerous and it’s really bloody rude! Some people don’t need much green lighting, you need to be careful with them, take care not to be the reason they slip.

And when they say ”are you an alcoholic then?” my answer to that is always in defence of those who are really struggling, and in an effort to shut them up; “That’s a very impertinent and personal question, think about what you’re asking for a moment.” I hope they might understand how invasive that is for some people. Perhaps my ultimate straightness makes them feel uncomfortable, watched, judged; some tell me so, others get very defensive. I think it says much more about them than it does about me.

Jeremy Paxman asked David Bowie when discussing his sobriety in an interview; “what not even a glass of wine?” with his usual sneer. You’d be amazed how many people do that! I’ve noticed over time though that more people are willing to accept it the first time, without query or complaint, just as a simple fact. I feel like drinking is going out of fashion a bit and acceptance of non drinking seems to be part of the landscape now.

So it isn’t one day at a time for me, I hardly give it much thought, I go through tiny phases of querying it but always come to the same conclusion. Why only drink a bit, it’s not like it tastes that nice and I don’t want to get obliterated any more. However, I did have an accidental glug of a gin and tonic a little while back and it was SO delicious and refreshing!!! I thought about that mouthful for ages. It didn’t trigger a needful desire in me to drink again that I couldn’t control. It was just a wistful memory. I had a lovely alcohol free gin and tonic at a friends garden party and it was just as nice, truly, it was just about the flavour, the sensation, the kick of juniper, the hit of quinine, the clink of ice against the pretty glass, the grown up feeling of holding something other than a Ribena in my hand!

I don’t get chips or awards, and that’s ok. I don’t need them. I do have very open discussions with people about it though and it’s always interesting how many are aiming towards quitting. They ask me how I do it sometimes and honestly? I don’t really know. We each have to find our own way, carve our own path, make our own choices and hope to achieve those goals. I think a little bit of it though is making a decision, for whatever reason, and allowing the change to be the thing that helps. What spurs me on is how I feel. Happier, more stable, in control, capable, GOOD!

I’ve been known to reward myself with chocolate, does that count?