Splitting the Rent: Navigating Finances, Gender Roles, and Relationship Dynamics
Money. We love it, we hate it and we’re not so hot at talking about it. In this day and age, should discussing money still be something draped in red tape? I think not! I went on a mission to talk to my social circles about the topic of money; the main question to them being, ‘How do you split your finances with your partner?’ The responses garnered opened up discussion points around gender roles, girlboss feminism, and toxic masculinity.
Firstly, ‘what’s a girlboss?’ I hear you cry. Well…
“In a positive light, girlboss was often used as an empowering term to praise women who succeeded in the face of misogyny in industries usually dominated by men. As a negative term, girlboss is typically used to describe a woman who views herself as a heroic figure while engaging in the same ruthless and abusive tactics used by powerful businessmen.”
What was once an inspirational and empowering movement, became a cringey pitstop in the feminism timeline. But, have some of the values from the once hopeful era of the girlboss stuck around? Let’s see…
Historically, marriage has more often than not been centred around money and status, which can make talking about finances with your other half feel a little bit…iffy. “Traditionally, in heterosexual marriages, the man worked outside the house, gave a portion of whatever he made to his wife, and his wife made do with whatever she was given. The husband had authority, and the wife figured out her zone of independence within his control.” The UK has come far since then, with several waves of feminism, equality laws now in place, and roughly 72.1% of women in the UK in work, all of which have naturally affected a woman's place in society and her relationship with money. For some women, the entire responsibility of household chores still falls into their laps - they go off to work to earn a living and come home to another long list of jobs. Fast forward to 2014 and we have CEO Sophia Amoruso releasing a bestselling autobiography, titled #Girlboss, which triggered a new trendy sub-genre of feminism and unfortunately immortalised the word for all women to come.
Recently, I did some “adulting” and moved in with my boyfriend. The assumption upon moving in was that we were splitting bills 50/50; I don't need a man to pay my bills and all that! However, my boyfriend earns twice as much as I do, and I quickly realised that money was incredibly tight for me. So, a conversation was had - how would we both feel about me paying a little bit less? In my head, it made sense. He earns more than I do, and shouldn’t it be split equal to how much we earn…? But why did I feel so guilty about it? Was it making me feel less independent? Less of a ‘girlboss’?
I talked to my partner. How would he feel if our finances were flipped? “There's probably an element of me wanting to be ‘the provider’, which I know is a male stereotype. However, it wouldn't bother me if you made more money than me.” He went on to discuss where his opinion on finance does stray a little, “When it comes to house bills, I don't think gender should come into it. Either split things 50/50 or agree on something you’re both comfortable with. Interestingly, and hypocritically, I don't feel the same when it comes to "splitting the bill" - e.g. if you're out for dinner. I still have that feeling of wanting to be able to pay the entire bill myself, because I'm the man...” Another of my male interviewees, Neville, has a similar opinion, “I mostly pay for dates and dinners, and I enjoy doing that as I feel like I’m treating my wife to something nice.” When discussing the topic of masculinity with him, he told me that he doesn’t feel aligned with the typical view of masculinity, but just doesn’t want to let his family down. “Disappointment is a bigger factor for me than any masculine identity.”
My discussions showed me that a lot of men wouldn’t care if their girlfriends earn more than them. In fact, most didn’t think gender roles were a presence in their relationships at all, nor a factor in their financial decisions. One person I talked to about this topic, Peter, is in that exact situation. His girlfriend earns more than him, so suggested splitting the rent based on percentages of their salaries, which he agreed to. When asked how the stereotypes of masculinity and femininity are played into - or not - in his relationship, he said, “I think given that my girlfriend earns more money than me and pays more rent and bills than me, the stereotypical role of a man being the provider is flipped on its head. ” When discussing how he would feel if he was out of work for a while and had to lean on his girlfriend for support, he said, “I would feel a bit embarrassed, but that I was being looked after. With someone absorbing your costs is a big thing – and I would be fighting to get into any job I could to ensure I was contributing again sooner rather than later.” That led to a new question though…Was the embarrassment caused by his gender or just by a normal human need to be able to support oneself? “It’s more to do with needing to rely on someone than the gender of the person supporting me. It would make me feel less adult. Being able to support yourself has always been instilled in me by my parents.”
An interviewee named Ricardo turned down his partners offer to pay the majority share of the rent, despite her earning more. He says, “Gender isn't a consideration. I think if you feel like you want to pay more because it makes you feel more comfortable with your perception of gender roles, go for it - but I don't think it's fair to expect your partner to pay more due to their gender. It only really makes sense to me if one of you is earning a significant amount more than the other.” Ricardo went on to talk about the preconceived notion of masculinity as ‘toxic’. “I think I'm so used to reading the word masculinity next to toxic - or as a sarcastic criticism of someone’s actions that the immediate feeling I get from it is negative. On the flip side, I think femininity is usually spoken about in a positive context, it makes me think of women-only wellness groups, or the phrase 'safe space' - both are problematic. I'm personally not often thinking about gender unless someone brings it up in conversation.”
In this article from Bradley Jarryd, Bradley discusses masculinity and finance in a way that some would classify as out-dated, dare I say toxic? Regardless of how I feel about his opinions, there are clear stats presented in his article that chart a strong connection between masculinity, self-worth and financial status. I can’t help but think this needs conversation?
The pressure to step up and contribute is increasingly prevalent also in women. Another interviewee, Marcelline, said, “When I was out of work and my husband was paying for everything, I felt ashamed and a burden. I tried not to spend any money at all.” This is understandable considering the fairly modern expectation for women to contribute just as much to finances as men (despite still earning less than their male counterparts). She also made an interesting point on how motherhood affects earnings and gender roles within her relationship. “Our roles were more defined by the fact I’m a mother and wasn’t able to get a big earning job when my kids were young. I guess this makes us both play into the gender stereotype!” When asked about the term ‘girlboss’, her answer was very eye-opening. “Sometimes I feel pressure to be more like that - it feels like the cool thing to do right now! And sometimes I do feel like people look down on me because I’m lucky to have a husband as a big earner, and because I’m not ‘keeping’ myself. The only time I’ve felt strong and independent is when I came into the position of a mother.”
So, splitting the rent; to do or not to do? In the fight for equality, there really is but one answer. A 50/50 split seems to be the fairest way to go about it, when achievable for both, but every couple is different. Perhaps gender no longer rules over the distribution of household expenses, but income does? Despite everyone just trying to make a living to support themselves, the topic of money still feels loaded in shame and awkwardness. How can we change this? It’s funny what you can find out from just initiating a few conversations. Just talk to people! You truly don’t know how someone feels about a topic until you ask them. I had some assumptions going into this piece and I came out knowing not to assume anything next time.
Written by Shan Victoria
