Trying To Get Our Heads Around Family Estrangement
Recent Christmas and New Year festivities saw families gather, swap gifts, and “make merry” - something widely expected by social norms. But for those, who are estranged from their family, the picture can be a very different one. And inevitably, the feeling of being socially “abnormal” can be particularly triggering.
It is thought that in the UK, family estrangement is more prevalent than research might suggest, affecting anything from one in five families, with some researchers believing that this might be the tip of the iceberg with many, feeling ashamed of their situation. Consequently, some don’t share this with others for fear of being stigmatised. This can sadly prevent many estranged adults from seeking support.
In my work, both as a bereavement counselling service manager, and psychotherapist in private practice, I am hearing about more and more family conflict, where for many, an irreparable gulf has appeared between the client and other family members. Interestingly though, many clients do not identify this as estrangement until it is actually named as such in the therapy room.
At times, reflecting on a freshly delivered therapy session, I might retreat into my own experiences of the complicated and toxic relationship with my late mother, where the explicit or implicit threat of parent-to-child estrangement was, until her death, always hanging over me. And in “there but for the grace of God go I” moments, I might feel a surge of gratitude to those important people in my life who were available to try to help me unpick this.
At best, family dynamics can be complicated. Sadly, though in many families, their norm sees conflict, dysfunctionality, and unhappiness. Beneath this, can be an historical and tacit process that can have direct and indirect repercussions for all family members. This can also have implications for relationships beyond the family unit.
In my professional experience thus far, the most common occurrence of estrangement tends to be parents, adult children, and siblings – less frequently, others, such as grandparents, nephews, nieces, aunts, uncles, and cousins.
I am often struck by the secrecy around family estrangement with the majority feeling that there is no one in their lives who can properly advocate for them.
Unsurprisingly, each estranged family member tends to have their own perspective on the root causes of the estrangement which, in turn, can influence the challenges they meet, and what they make of the experience.
The Family Estrangement Onion - peeling the layers
What causes estrangement in a family can be complicated, baffling and bewildering and, as mentioned earlier, each family member will have their own narrative. Some reasons that I have encountered in my work include abuse, neglect, unacknowledged trauma, impossible expectations, divorce, unaddressed mental health issues, and loss.
Drilling further down, I think about some of the unhelpful attitudes and practices that have been cited in the therapy room, as clients try to make sense of their predicament. To name a few:
Hypocrisy: one family member may implement “rules” without they themselves abiding by them. For example, demanding others fulfil a caring duty that they are not themselves prepared to undertake.
Prejudice: a family member may be viewed by others in a poor light despite that member desperately trying to gain approval. Sadly, another member or members may try to influence how other family members view them, particularly if their views, beliefs, or lifestyle may not line up with the others’.
Gaslighting behaviours: gaslighting is viewed as a form of psychological abuse in which the abuser attempts to sow a seed of doubt and confusion in the other by distorting reality and forcing them to question their own judgment, instinct, and insight.
Disparate world views: those families where there are clashes in values (political, social, and cultural) can cause estrangement particularly if there are existing difficulties rooted in the family system. Brexit is a good example of this and was the tip of the iceberg and the final straw for many people I have encountered professionally.
And for many, their family’s love becomes conditional and is based on the family member doing something or being someone that is fundamentally not them. This calls into question a family’s narrative of how its members “should” be.
The Ripple Effect
Estrangement typically impacts each member of a family differently depending, for example, on the reasons for, and the nature of, the estrangement and who instigated it.
Loosely-speaking, there are at least three different types of challenges that can be simultaneously layered and interdependent, both influencing and magnifying the other.
Social challenges – these might include the pressure to explain the situation to non-estranged members of the family and others, and trying to navigate events that could involve the estranged members.
Psychological challenges - these might include shame, grief, isolation, loneliness, stress, depression, and anger.
Relational challenges - these might include chronic struggles with intimacy, poor choices in personal relationships (romantic and platonic), and issues around conflict.
However, in some circumstances, for example where there has been abuse, severe neglect and violence, escaping the inherent toxicity, estrangement can bring huge relief.
All too often, I encounter estrangement between parents and a young person, which might have financial and other implications, say when applying for a student loan or needing a guarantor. Another common issue is when helping elderly parents with arrangements for their care might fall on one sibling, if the other one is estranged and wants no involvement.
To many of those I have worked with in a therapeutic setting, rejection seems to be fundamental to their estrangement - this could be rejection of a family member’s lifestyle, world view, or beliefs.
And to compound the issue, the rejection may not be just from experiences with estranged family members. It might also be from the outside world, where a poor understanding of family dynamics that triggered the estrangement, may result in either dismissiveness or criticism of those who have been unable to resolve the complexities. Further dismissal of feelings can be seen as yet another rejection and can provoke a sense of isolation and shame.
Many view the principle of family life through their own experiences and in many cases may not be able to take onboard or fathom why others do not enjoy a similar type of family relationship. So the idea of estrangement when we are told that “family above all” tends to conflict with society’s narrative.
Dealing with the pain & trying to heal
The importance of support for estranged family members is a given, though getting the appropriate and effective support can be hard, and many present initially for therapy, with an ostensibly “more acceptable” issue.
The type of support required will vary, and whilst addressing the causes and fallout of estrangement is key; central to this, is working on the relationship with themselves.
And interestingly, in my work, clients often report that what they find the most helpful, and healing, is that acknowledgment and validation of their feelings and experiences and the myriad ways that they have affected them. For example, looking at the ripple effect on other areas of their lives and on others in their lives, such as extended family members and family friends – it can be tricky to navigate this, particularly for those who have become unintentionally involved.
Trying to process the reasons for the estrangement tend to include some difficult experiences both in isolation and as part of a bigger picture that might go back several generations.
But sometimes, following years of no contact, a family illness, a bereavement, or another key event may “force” some sort of reconnection and reconciliation, though in many cases, eventually, the historical dysfunctional dynamics reappear, and the estrangement reoccurs.
Ultimately, as we have seen, estrangement is widespread and to quote Amy Dickenson (former US newspaper columnist, and social commentator):
“Ask 10 people about their family relationships and at least five of them will report an estrangement).”1
And having someone in their lives, whether it a professional, a friend or a loved one, who can hear, judgement-free about another’s distress and isolation caused by estrangement, can only have a positive impact on the estranged.
References:
1) https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/ask-amy-fear-of-scorn-of-society-belongs-in-a-novel/2014/10/24/7c40b2de-5b8e-11e4-8264-deed989ae9a2_story.html
Written by Jennifer Pitt
Jennifer Pitt has been a counsellor/psychotherapist accredited by the British Association of Counselling & Psychotherapy (BACP), for nearly two decades. Alongside this, she has been managing a bereavement counselling charity where sadly, many clients present for therapy, having lost someone from whom they were estranged.
