Confessions of A Self-Confessed Bristol Party Girl
"My girl wants to party all the time, party all the time, party all the time…." This song was my life's soundtrack in the decade that was my 20's. I partied. All. The… time and I loved it until I didn't.
At this time, a long persistent habit of mine was being seen by passers-by, stumbling out of the club doors at my favourite Bristol based nightclub, arms linked with my girlfriends' in the early hours of Sunday morning when many are in a world of dreams. I dreamt of my next party!
I wasn't always drunk, but I was never alone. I was always with my girlfriends, the ones who loved to party too!
It took me a long time to realise that we didn't have anything else in common apart from partying. I was always trying to deepen our friendships; however, this never led to much success… and the in-group girl dramas took up so much energy during the week. I didn't always know if the friendships were worth it.
That was until we got onto the dancefloor, and I heard the inevitable bassline drop from the sound system in a packed club on a Saturday night, and I was back in my happy place again. We sang along to the familiar lyrics at the top of our lungs, bonded in the familiar clubhouse unity. Sambuca shots flowing, dancing on broken glass and literally shaking our booties… to Beyonce's hits like we were famous.
Dancing was my escape. I figured if I could dance the night away, I would make it through next week, next month and even next year!
Some people go to church to pray; some go to the mosque; Me? I went to party! Partying was "my church". You could say I was forever "living on a prayer," a prayer that only dancing could answer. Yet, it never did, come rain or shine, sleet or snow, I was going out, and as long as I was dancing, I didn't care!
Yet I was always searching for something, something on that all too familiar dancefloor, yet it always eluded me. It was like I was chasing a shadow; the shadow was just me. My favourite MJ song that I always requested the DJ to play; "Don't stop till you get enough".
It was so true for me; partying was my drug, and I indeed could not get enough.
I reminisce that I even blew off chances to go on holiday as I would "miss partying too much," yet partying was my only desire. It was a distraction, my moment of bliss that I could not recreate in my everyday life.
I managed all through my uni days, going out weekdays as well as Fridays and Saturdays with a mere £20 to my name and a bottle of vodka in my purse, which I mixed with the club bought lime and soda.
I was lucky enough to be always bought drinks by some guy I was inevitably chatting to or dating at the time, so I never overspent and usually could either afford a taxi back or was walked home.
I met many men on my night out excursions. Some of whom I saw again. However, it did not usually progress much from dinner or drinks. I was always my happiest dancing and really that is the only reason I went. Chatting to a guy was a bonus but not my primary concern.
Usually, I would end up bumping into them awkwardly at the same clubs the following weekend. I partied at the same places (usually the clubs at the top of park street) so much so that the bouncers started to recognise me, and I got to know their names!
I was addicted to partying and the party lifestyle, and everyone who knew me at the time, knew I loved a party.
I spent hours on a Saturday afternoon looking for the perfect outfit. My friends would regularly complain that I was late to meet up to start drinking and dancing. I loved getting dressed up in my cute outfits, earrings, makeup, and my high heels whilst listening to music, thinking of the possibilities of the night that lay ahead. The possibilities which were always –
Have a great time,
Dance until my feet can't take no more!
Some of my friends usually wanted to "pull," but that was never my aim. I met many guys, but it was not easy to establish a deep connection on a night out. I was also told by a few that I was a "party animal" and that I was seen as "too fun loving" and that scared them!
Even at the start of my last relationship, my ex told me that he was "worried about how much partying I did and that I would always want to go out".
The irony was that he used to party with me most of the time when we started going out, so I never really understood why men had such a problem with it? I never hurt anyone or broke any laws.
I wonder now, was this toxic masculinity at play?
One rule for me and another for them? Since the men who were saying this to me were in the clubs too! Hypocrite much?
I graduated to festivals and raves in my early 30's. The main place being Motion, where you needed a double vodka and red bull to keep your stamina and various other party favours to keep you dancing until 4-5am! These were usually themed nights like drum and bass or hip-hop ones which were the best.
There, I got to dress down, still with makeup, glitter adorned all over my face, short dresses or hotpants but trading in high heels for pink DM's.
I now went out with guy friends, so you didn't have the drama and we always ended up chatting to some friendly people in the garden outside. Then going back to random house parties and not usually getting home until 9am or even later.
Yet, I still used partying as a distraction from my sucky life, as a way of dancing through my problems and had gotten into many sticky and at times, crazy situations because of it. There was no problem too big that I couldn't dance my way out of that was until I ultimately found one. I was going through a difficult period with my sister, where I had stopped speaking to her.
For the first time, I couldn't dance my way out of it as on the dance floor, it was always there like an alien was sitting on my face!
I realised that dancing couldn't solve all my problems. I also realised that since dancing was all I cared about; I had turned into a person that I didn't even recognise…. something had to change, and there needed to be more balance in my life. I needed a break from the self-confessed party girl I was. It also didn't help that all my favourite places were also closing or being taking over, so I was "losing my religion," aka dancing.
As partying will always be a part of me, I don't feel sad without it or look back in regret. It had its time now I'm having mine. I don't miss; the cheap smell of men's aftershave, the guys who won't leave me and my friends alone even when expressed that we have no interest in them.
The hangovers! They were a nightmare and usually wiped me out for the next day; there was usually always lots of alcohol induced vomiting, sometimes coming out of both ends… nice, innit? The price I paid for having a "great time".
I wonder if a partygoers anonymous would have helped me manage my addiction to it sooner.
You live and you learn, I suppose…
The difference now is partying is no longer an addiction. Don't get me wrong, I am still a party girl (in spirit, at least now due to covid), yet it is not my only identity or an endless void I need to fill. It is something I can choose when I want it.
Written by Rebecca Olayinka
Rebecca is from London and has lived in Bristol for 14 years. Rebecca attended UWE and now works as Senior Practitioner (Social Worker) in Bristol. Rebecca loves poetry and is currently working on her first manuscript.
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